Mommy Wars: Have We Lost Our Way?
You know a topic has reached ripeness when it becomes the subject of an Oprah show. This is clearly a topic that has reached its pinnacle and I can't resist the urge to weigh in.
Those of you who read my old blog may remember a topic called a "Woman's Worth" where I began to explore what I have now seen referred to in magazines as the "Mommy War". The arguments centre on the premise of to stay at home or not. What is alarming to me as a Mom who has now been on both sides of the fence, is how this topic with its tentacles of guilt, continues to divide women into two camps. In fact, you may even wish to consider this as three camps, as there is certainly a segment of co-workers without children who carry their own opinions about mothers at the office.
Divide and conquer might apply here. Where is the power and respect that women of past generations have struggled to attain? For those who have the luxury of choice, has this become a self -serving argument that alienates the scores of women who have no option other than to work in order to support their families? While its tempting to write this issue off as frivolous, I feel compelled to look underneath this rock and see what lies beneath. Its not really what it appears to be about, in my opinion.
Women are confusing their identity with the process of parenting. I believe that mothering or parenting, is a process, one which I wholeheartedly participate in, but I don't believe that it must define me as a person. I am so much more that simply a mother. I have dreams, ambitions, hopes, fears, aspirations - just like you do. I am a composite of all of my past experiences and future intentions. "Mother" is one aspect of who I am, or more accurately, what I do - and so is wife, daughter, sister, writer, life coach, Physiotherapist...and the list goes on. Who I am underneath all those labels is a being whose essence is spiritual, having a human experience that includes all of the above - and so much more!
Where we seem to get into trouble is when we begin to believe that we are defined by our experience of "Mother" - or "Not-Mother", as the case may be. It gets even stickier if we chose to further classify ourselves into "Stay At Home" or "Work Outside the Home". Locking ourselves into these tiny boxes leaves us very little room to maneuver.
There are numerous assumptions in each camp about the "rightness" of their positions. Cornered in little boxes that are sub-categories of who we really are leaves us wanting to fight back. Being right becomes very necessary when your identity, how you define yourself, hinges on the outcome of an argument like this one. No wonder this is a social war that is creating some very divided camps.
Those of you who read my old blog may remember a topic called a "Woman's Worth" where I began to explore what I have now seen referred to in magazines as the "Mommy War". The arguments centre on the premise of to stay at home or not. What is alarming to me as a Mom who has now been on both sides of the fence, is how this topic with its tentacles of guilt, continues to divide women into two camps. In fact, you may even wish to consider this as three camps, as there is certainly a segment of co-workers without children who carry their own opinions about mothers at the office.
Divide and conquer might apply here. Where is the power and respect that women of past generations have struggled to attain? For those who have the luxury of choice, has this become a self -serving argument that alienates the scores of women who have no option other than to work in order to support their families? While its tempting to write this issue off as frivolous, I feel compelled to look underneath this rock and see what lies beneath. Its not really what it appears to be about, in my opinion.
Women are confusing their identity with the process of parenting. I believe that mothering or parenting, is a process, one which I wholeheartedly participate in, but I don't believe that it must define me as a person. I am so much more that simply a mother. I have dreams, ambitions, hopes, fears, aspirations - just like you do. I am a composite of all of my past experiences and future intentions. "Mother" is one aspect of who I am, or more accurately, what I do - and so is wife, daughter, sister, writer, life coach, Physiotherapist...and the list goes on. Who I am underneath all those labels is a being whose essence is spiritual, having a human experience that includes all of the above - and so much more!
Where we seem to get into trouble is when we begin to believe that we are defined by our experience of "Mother" - or "Not-Mother", as the case may be. It gets even stickier if we chose to further classify ourselves into "Stay At Home" or "Work Outside the Home". Locking ourselves into these tiny boxes leaves us very little room to maneuver.
There are numerous assumptions in each camp about the "rightness" of their positions. Cornered in little boxes that are sub-categories of who we really are leaves us wanting to fight back. Being right becomes very necessary when your identity, how you define yourself, hinges on the outcome of an argument like this one. No wonder this is a social war that is creating some very divided camps.
To paraphrase what Einstein so aptly stated, "you can't solve a problem with the same thinking that created it". This is an argument that has no end in sight for as long as we continue to subscribe to a set of culturally conditioned beliefs about mothering. We are more than stereotypical roles. We are more than what has been modelled by generations that have gone before. Moving beyond this argument requires us to stop and really consider who it is possible for each of us to become. Only you can answer this question for yourself. And when you do, mothering finds its place in your life in a way that feels fulfilling and suspends judgement of yourself and other mothers.
Mothering becomes an extension of who it is you are becoming. There is tremendous room for all of you in the process of parenting your children. You enter the process with your own unique style, creativity and flexibility. It is infinitely easier to be fully present to your child when your energy isn't invested in a poorly fitting identity. It can distracting, like shoes that don't fit right - there is always something chafing.
I work with lots of women who find themselves hunting for answers about their life purpose. For some the quest begins after their children have outgrown the need for day to day parenting. They suddenly don't know what to talk to their spouse about. They throw themselves into re-decorating, moving or planning trips that they don't really feel like taking. They find themselves drawn to dramas. Seeking what- they aren't sure - but there is a need to funnel energy into something...anything to help re-define themselves and it never feels quite right - it chafes.
Some wake up in the middle of this blind groping and stop long enough, summon up the courage to look the question of "who am I" in the eye. What I know for sure is that when you can quiet yourself long enough to ask the question, a gate begins to swing open. And its not just mothers who experience this by the way, it is true of anyone who has seized on a career or any other label to define themselves. Sooner or later the gig is up and the label begins to crumble, leaving you naked and grasping if you haven't looked within to consider who you really are underneath it all.
How do I know this? Well, I lived it.
I discovered that after years of trying, I was pregnant with my first child at the same time as I felt I was reaching the height of my career as a business owner/Physiotherapist. Over the course of that pregnancy, over half of my staff turned over, I expanded two thriving clinics, renegotiated leases, maneuvered through legal snafus and oversaw a construction project plagued with budget over runs and municipal zoning wrangles. My son arrived in the middle of it all. As I nursed him, I would conduct conference calls over the speaker phone and run to the fax machine at the first opportunity. I was organized, energetic and had one foot in both worlds.
I suppose to many looking on, I had it all. I was "successful" and managing quite well. What was really true was that I couldn't find myself between the two competing roles. Each label seemed to come with its own mutually exclusive expectations and rules. In desperation, I realized that I was on the verge of completely losing myself and stumbled into a the office of a life coach - dazed, confused and exhausted. I began what felt like a long process of self-discovery that in reality was not all that long. I began the excavation process of finding out who I was underneath all the labels I carried- in fact, I was clinging to them having no clue who I might be beneath it all. I had lost sight of my "true north" and was wandering through life feeling completely lost.
I discovered that letting go off all my preconceived definitions of myself was far more liberating and not nearly as scary as I thought it might be. In fact, in discovering the wholeness of myself, the pieces that held meaning found their place in the composite of who I am - and the stuff I didn't want, became easy to let go of. In many cases, the letting go was magical in its ease and synchronicity. Suddenly there was lots of breathing room and I was able to contemplate who I could become. Dreams sprang to life, unbelievable opportunity and flow started to emerge. I came back to life and I was back on track!
It just so happened that I chose to sell my businesses and embark on a different career path but that does not mean everyone who begins to seek out their identity underneath all the social trappings will follow the same path. What I have discovered and enjoy sharing with others in my writing, workshops and coaching, is how to excavate who they are. Once you get in touch with your deepest self, making choices and moving through your life becomes so much easier. Its like finding true north on your own personal compass. As turned around as you might get from time to time, you can always rely on that inner landmark to re-orient yourself once you know what it looks like/feels like.
So how does all this fit in with Mommy Wars? Perhaps the "war" has less to do with anyone outside of ourselves and more to do with how we chafe in poorly fitting, culturally defined roles that leave us feeling like we have defend our turf instead of celebrating our uniqueness.
Mothering becomes an extension of who it is you are becoming. There is tremendous room for all of you in the process of parenting your children. You enter the process with your own unique style, creativity and flexibility. It is infinitely easier to be fully present to your child when your energy isn't invested in a poorly fitting identity. It can distracting, like shoes that don't fit right - there is always something chafing.
I work with lots of women who find themselves hunting for answers about their life purpose. For some the quest begins after their children have outgrown the need for day to day parenting. They suddenly don't know what to talk to their spouse about. They throw themselves into re-decorating, moving or planning trips that they don't really feel like taking. They find themselves drawn to dramas. Seeking what- they aren't sure - but there is a need to funnel energy into something...anything to help re-define themselves and it never feels quite right - it chafes.
Some wake up in the middle of this blind groping and stop long enough, summon up the courage to look the question of "who am I" in the eye. What I know for sure is that when you can quiet yourself long enough to ask the question, a gate begins to swing open. And its not just mothers who experience this by the way, it is true of anyone who has seized on a career or any other label to define themselves. Sooner or later the gig is up and the label begins to crumble, leaving you naked and grasping if you haven't looked within to consider who you really are underneath it all.
How do I know this? Well, I lived it.
I discovered that after years of trying, I was pregnant with my first child at the same time as I felt I was reaching the height of my career as a business owner/Physiotherapist. Over the course of that pregnancy, over half of my staff turned over, I expanded two thriving clinics, renegotiated leases, maneuvered through legal snafus and oversaw a construction project plagued with budget over runs and municipal zoning wrangles. My son arrived in the middle of it all. As I nursed him, I would conduct conference calls over the speaker phone and run to the fax machine at the first opportunity. I was organized, energetic and had one foot in both worlds.
I suppose to many looking on, I had it all. I was "successful" and managing quite well. What was really true was that I couldn't find myself between the two competing roles. Each label seemed to come with its own mutually exclusive expectations and rules. In desperation, I realized that I was on the verge of completely losing myself and stumbled into a the office of a life coach - dazed, confused and exhausted. I began what felt like a long process of self-discovery that in reality was not all that long. I began the excavation process of finding out who I was underneath all the labels I carried- in fact, I was clinging to them having no clue who I might be beneath it all. I had lost sight of my "true north" and was wandering through life feeling completely lost.
I discovered that letting go off all my preconceived definitions of myself was far more liberating and not nearly as scary as I thought it might be. In fact, in discovering the wholeness of myself, the pieces that held meaning found their place in the composite of who I am - and the stuff I didn't want, became easy to let go of. In many cases, the letting go was magical in its ease and synchronicity. Suddenly there was lots of breathing room and I was able to contemplate who I could become. Dreams sprang to life, unbelievable opportunity and flow started to emerge. I came back to life and I was back on track!
It just so happened that I chose to sell my businesses and embark on a different career path but that does not mean everyone who begins to seek out their identity underneath all the social trappings will follow the same path. What I have discovered and enjoy sharing with others in my writing, workshops and coaching, is how to excavate who they are. Once you get in touch with your deepest self, making choices and moving through your life becomes so much easier. Its like finding true north on your own personal compass. As turned around as you might get from time to time, you can always rely on that inner landmark to re-orient yourself once you know what it looks like/feels like.
So how does all this fit in with Mommy Wars? Perhaps the "war" has less to do with anyone outside of ourselves and more to do with how we chafe in poorly fitting, culturally defined roles that leave us feeling like we have defend our turf instead of celebrating our uniqueness.
Embracing our choice to define who we are beyond "Stay At Home Mom" and "Working Mom" allows us an incredible generosity of spirit and deep appreciation of the other women in our world, each of us spiritual beings having a human experience and bringing the fullness of who we are to the process of parenting our children. What greater gift could we bring to this process than to model for our children how to embrace our wholeness, follow our "true north" and celebrate how that makes us each unique?
