Mad Hatter

The title of this entry has less to do with my childhood favorite, "Alice In Wonderland", than it does with the many roles I find myself playing out these days. My life is a lovely hodge podge of of interests, ideas and simple obligations that I often feel as though I am continually switching hats.

Before discussing the madness underlying all this, let me first reference a great newsletter I receive from Denise Linn. In the latest issue she wrote about the stuff of life, the basic obligations we each have in our day to day living, whether it be caring for the creatures on her farm, or caring for children or other basic stuff that keeps our daily lives running.

I have to agree with Denise Linn, in that its our attitude about how we approach the stuff in our lives that makes it a blessing or a burden. I'd even take it one step further, and point out that its our choice to continue living the way we do. If we can't find joy or satisfaction in it, then we need to ask ourselves if its really necessary and why we continue to have it in our lives.

Having said that, I suppose one form of madness is to continue doing and being in ways that are soul sucking while doing nothing to free ourselves from the cycle. There certainly are no fairy god-mothers or white knights with the capacity to free us from ourselves! Once again, its an inside job!!

My own particular madness has been to hold these hats that I wear as somehow separate and distinct. In trying to draw boundaries around them, I am stifling the flow in my life. I currently wear the "Mommy" hat most of the time (which comes with a lovely matching super hero cape). In addition to that I have a physiotherapist hat, a business partner hat, a life partner hat, a writer's hat (quite dusty these days!) and so on. What is crazy making for me, is attempting to schedule all these wardrobe changes in any given day. Its an impossible feat that inevitably finds me mismatched, confused and breathless.

No more! After having seeing the bizarre millinery confection that Sarah Jessica Parker wore on the Paris red carpet premiere of Sex In The City, I have decided to follow suit!! I'm going to pool all my hats into one and let it make its own unique statement. And just like SJP, I'm sure it will make tongues wag while I strut my stuff, feeling just fine in my own skin.

Bone Tired Blogging

Well, so much for the fanfare on my last entry! It seems that I wasn't back at all and, frankly, this time around, no promises!

I'm amazed at how my drive and desire to blog has evaporated lately. Its not as though my life isn't rife with material. I find myself 100% engaged in moment to moment living these days. A toddler can do that! My inner conversations continue and on occasion will rouse me from an exhausted sleep to reach conclusion for the day as my body completes its final unwinding.

Perhaps what I sense as acutely different this time is that my sense of scarcity when it comes to writing has simply evaporated. For the past couple of years it felt as essential as breathing. I felt panicked if I couldn't create the time to give over to the flow of words that seemed to log jam in my mind and body.

Now, the flow continues unabated and unobstructed, I might add. No log jams even though there is no paper trail to follow. I am in the flow of my life unfolding and that is sufficient - for now. In fact, in many ways it seems there is an incubation period happening once again in concert with this pregnancy.

Certainly I was reborn in many ways with Baby "S"es arrival and now I wonder who I will be when this next little person arrives on the scene. This time I have no sense of impending loss of mySelf. I feel like there is more of "me" set to emerge as well.

Writing will follow - but not with the strident discipline it required before. It seems that I have finally found myself completely in flow with my life- fully focused, fully engaged, often exhausted and always amazed by the wonder of what my children reflect back to me.

Am I living in Utopia? Hell no!! But I AM living with a sense of adventure and a great deal of humor. I find myself continually needing to pay attention to what I, as an individual need, and then to ensure that I follow through in providing it for myself. Again, I'd love to say this is a "martyr free zone" but I have my moments! However, there is only enough space for one tantrum at a time around here!! And my day will come .... just kidding.

Creativity comes in all kinds of packages. At the moment, it comes in the guise of finding ways to stay present to mySelf while consciously parenting two, soon to be three, energetic boys.

I'll check in again sometime soon .... thanks for dropping by!