Change Is Good?!

Today Medium R has been enjoying a new toy plane that was given to Baby S. As he joyfully flew around the room, swooping and adding sound effects, he announced that "I think I'll stay little forever. Its really fun!" This from the child who weighed himself several times a day, willing the scale read out to be 50 pounds and celebrating madly once hit hit his goal a few weeks back. This from the boy who is constantly checking for "wiggly" teeth in the hopes of achieving the gap tooth smile many of his friends are currently sporting. Sigh - I want him to stay little forever too - but you can't stop progress!

Change is everywhere. The leaves are turning as the temperature dives. Baby S is growing at an astonishing rate. This morning, after 3 attempts to stuff him into clothes that I thought were the right size, I gave up and went digging through boxes of stuff I thought I wouldn't be needing until winter. Last night when we gave the boys their bath, I noticed the silver in Big R's hair which sent me in a frenzied search through my own locks - whew! no grey interlopers to report!!

Since outside change seems to be capturing my attention these days, I took a moment over my morning coffee to take stock of the other, inner changes, that have been capturing my attention over the past few weeks. The one that caught me by surprise was finding myself in the midst of introducing myself as a writer. I resisted the urge to qualify it with stay-at-home-Mom or Physiotherapist on maternity leave - nope - I tested it and it stood alone. It felt right and I didn't collapse into a bunch of jibbering justifications - now that was new!

Having the girls over for lunch yesterday, I noticed just how far I have moved out of the world of business and career. As they discussed new business deals, challenging clients and future goals, I sipped my spritzer and felt oddly out of place. I was an observer of that world but not really party to it anymore. There was a moment of mourning that ended as quickly as it had begun when Baby S gave us a million dollar smile. I love the thrill of the chase and the scent of a business deal as much as my friends, but it really isn't what I'm looking for right now. In fact, I'm oddly content for the first time in a long time. Maybe its my estrogen marinated brain - or maybe, just maybe, I'm at peace with who I am.

The other big change has been somewhat anti-climactic. After finally coming to grips with my loss of income and admitting to myself - and to Big R, that my resentment at the load I carry at home was beginning to grow - I negotiated a "salary" for myself. It was the easiest negotiation ever! Maybe I should ask for a raise - or start a union for mothers:) Hmm - imagine the piles of laundry, the slimy refrigerator crisper drawers, the dinners made from cheese whiz, jello powder and capers as the cupboards grew bare - all this if Moms went on strike!! Ahhh, but I digress..

So now I have my own back account -separate from our joint accounts and a regular paycheque again. No more feeling like my hand is in the cookie jar when I want an indulgence and a regular reminder that what I do around here is not only appreciated, but adds value too. I think we all won on this one! And most amazing of all, Big R jumped right on board with his full support, leaving me with my mouth wide open as I was about to dive into my long explanation and justification. It only took me a sentence and a half to realize that the conversation had moved on! I guess there will be no cheese whiz on the menu this week! This is one of those times when "its not really about what it is about" applies - this has very little to do with cash and a whole lot to do with claiming my value, both for myself and then to another - and having it recognized was icing on the cake.

So after taking stock this morning, I realize that staying "little forever" is about never forgetting how to laugh and play in the face of change. Somethings in this life are inevitable but it doesn't mean we stop having fun!

Honestly....

Yesterday my husband and I were exchanging jokes by email and he sent me an e-bay auction description written by a flustered mom who was selling some Pokeman cards her brood of kids had snuck into her grocery cart. It was funny! Her description of the events leading up to the auction and her life in general had me in stitches. And she has become an overnight internet sensation. People are asking her if she is a writer, when will her book come out, etc.

This is one of those times when I'm laughing on the outside and wincing on the inside. I suppose I might as well confess - I'm jealous of this woman that I don't even know! Its not pretty and it makes me sound petty - but its the honest truth. It seems that she has effortlessly created a buzz and struck a chord in her writing. I want that!

Then, while wallowing in self-pity, I received an email from a friend who tossed out a line about heading up north for a few days to complete a re-write of her book. Aughhh! I should just turn off my computer since I can't seem to play nice!! Its not that I don't celebrate their successes - its just that these are reminders of what I long for in my life.

As a result of my private green-eyed monster rearing its head, I had a restless night, tossing and turning, breasts aching and leaking (wouldn't you know that Baby S decides to sleep for longer stretches when I've got myself in a twist- it would be nice if my body got advanced notice!) My restlessness was compounded by a thunderstorm, my manic 45 pound dog seeking comfort by plopping his quivering behind on top of my head and my husband - blissfully snoring through it all. If I could have pried the dog off my head, I might have given hubby a jab, partly to end the snoring, and since I'm being honest here -partly to vent my frustrations. We always hurt the ones we love :) He really should thank the dog for saving him from the bitchy woman on the other side of the bed!

So where does this lead me? If I were Catholic, I guess I'd head to confession and get it over with but since my guilt is of the "recovering" Baptist variety, I have internalized it only to become unfit to live with. So here I am, confessing my angst to anyone willing to read - and breathing, well, more like snorting! And most cathartic of all, laughing at myself.

How ridiculous to think that there is only room for one writer out there! Imagine how limited our reading material would be. What would Chapters and Amazon do? And you know, this is exactly where my thinking is headed if I let it unravel itself to the end. Living in the poverty of my mind, I have somehow concluded that there is simply not enough success to go round.

The gift in it all is that I've gotten pretty clear and honest with myself about what I want. I want to write - AND be read. It has forced me to confess my ambition to myself and whoever has dropped in here to read. Making ambition public knowledge is another big albatross for me. Nice girls don't ask for what they want - they wait for an invitation. (I suppose nice girls don't consider jabbing their snoring husbands either - sigh....another illusion shattered).

Well, there it is folks, take it or leave it - I am

• no longer a practicing Baptist and I can still create a vortex of guilt when the right button gets pushed!
• capable of jealousy and stealth attacks on an innocently sleeping husband
• a writer with ambition to reach to more and more people

PS: Here is the link to the words of that wonderfully witty Mom who listed her kids Pokeman cards on E-Bay. She deserves to have this read and appreciated!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675

Ten Minutes

I have ten minutes ...ten minutes to myself before this day takes off like a horse out of the starting gate. Ten minutes while all the boys are washing the car. In ten minutes I can:

• pour myself a coffee
• notice the wind rusltling the maple leaves that are now edged in brown and red after enduring such a hot summer
• be still long enough for the dog to lie on my foot
• have a quick chat with my 6 year old as he flies through the room on his way to a new task
• respond to a crying baby

Guess in my world ten minutes gets compressed into 5:) No wonder I feel like time flies!!!

Constant Craving

I feel like I have nothing to say today.....so why am I here? I can't seem to pass by my laptop without wanting to hear the click of keys. I suppose there is more to it, I can hear myself with ease when I begin to type. If I listen closely, there is a voice running underneath the drone of my list of chores for today and the grocery list getting compiled in my head. Its that voice that I'm longing to listen to right now.

I should be sleeping. I was awake most of the night with Baby S who is now resting happily. Medium R is safely on the bus and heading off into the day. This is the perfect opportunity to either make myself a proper meal or to slip back into my still warm bed for a few minutes. The fact that I haven't even taken a step in that direction tells me that today I need to find that voice inside me. I need to tune in more than I need to eat or sleep.

Why the compulsion to write and connect to myself I wonder and as soon as the thought appears on the screen I look to my right and see a book I bought yesterday. Oh , now I get it! I picked up a book at Chapters yesterday called "Between Interruptions - 30 Women Tell the Truth About Motherhood". Thirty prominent Canadian women have written about their experiences of motherhood, career and relationships with breath taking honesty. Since scanning a few of the essays, I recognize aspects of myself. I recall the identity crisis after my first child as the pre-baby me waged war with the post-baby me - we all lost AND something new emerged instead - an identity I had never dreamed of and that has been honed by the double whammy of Baby S'es arrival and my decision to step off the career path I started on.

I think its time for women to start having different conversations about their choices around motherhood, career and how these identity shifts play out in our lives. These are conversations that aren't always welcome in wider society. Our spouses, families and workplaces may not embrace our choices or support our journey. Why wait until after children arrive to begin these conversations? How much might we teach other women poised on the edge of motherhood if these conversations find their way into the open? Feminism and Women's Lib gave us more choice than ever before and at the same time, it has silenced us by implying that some conversations and choices are less acceptable - what could we have to complain about or wrestle with? We should just be grateful that we weren't living the lives our mother's did - we have options.

Yes, we have options but we also have belief systems acquired from our mothers and our grandmothers that we are trying to reconcile with our current reality. Women are divided in their choices to stay at home or return to the workplace and rather than support each other, many have become invested in being "right" when it comes to their particular choice. Once again, defining ourselves through our children or our career is the same identity crisis all over again. How many of us can truly describe ourselves without those roles as a back drop. Who are we when those aspects are removed?

These are the conversations I crave. This is the passion that has awakened in me - to bring these conversations into the public domain and get women talking with each other, creating opportunities to celebrate, to connect and to transform. This is what is far more compelling than a cozy bed or leisurely breakfast. This is the undercurrent surging beneath the stream of daily life. This is what I invite you and the women in your life to step into. I hope you will join me in the conversation.

Debunked!

A moment of silence today as I honor the departure of one of my favourite bloggers - "Crouching Mommy Hidden Laundry". She has decided to go back to her "real life" and leave the blogosphere. I'll miss her wit and candor. However, I'm puzzled. Reading between the lines I can see that she held her blog identity as separate from her own. In fact, reading the comments left by her fellow bloggers on her final entry, I noticed how many claimed blogging as a form of escapism.

While writing and blogging can feel like indulgences for me because I love it so much, it never occurred to me to hide here or invent an alternate personality to do it. I write and blog to make sense of my life - not to avoid it. I write to figure out who I am not to pretend otherwise. In fact, I'm often left feeling pretty darn naked at the end of some entries and it takes a serious deep breath to screw up my courage before I hit the publish button.

Its one thing to write where only strangers will see it and quite another when you know that friends and family are there to. I doubt that I'm alone in my hesitation to be seen by those close to me. It may seem like a contradiction, but when you stop and think about it, we are most vulnerable in those relationships. I don't care if a total stranger writes me off as a crack pot or feels that I am lacking in talent. I do find myself caring what those close to me think. However, having said that, those external reference points certainly don't have the clout that they used to.

There was a time when I would never dare to have a different opinion - never mind committing to writing it down! - for fear of criticism or being made fun of. It kept me silent for a very long time. Silence is lonely and it has a tendency to erode your health - physically, emotionally and spiritually. Its as though you lock up the vital part of yourself, barely feeding it enough crumbs to stay alive. As it weakens, it gets easier and easier to ignore the banging on the bars of self imprisonment and yet as it fades, so do you. I know because I've done it. I also know resuscitation isn't as challenging as you might think. It begins with telling yourself the truth about things -even if you choose not to tell another living soul - just stop lying to yourself about things.

It so happens that I have decided to take it one step further - I tell myself the truth about things and choose to write them down too. Somehow taking these private conversations into a public domain has a magical effect for me. It is both terrifying and transformative at the same time. Its like showing up on stage in your undies! Before the curtain rises, I have no idea if it there is any audience or a full house. Perhaps there is an exhibitionist inside me because lately I find myself longing for a wider audience and the possibility of readers who would welcome as book as well as a blog. Once again, I am reminded that to pander to an audience would likely ruin the magical alchemy of writing.

I write for me - and anyone else who happens to find some resonance is welcome to the party. I don't presume to have any answers for anyone else. Writing seems to be part of a bread crumb trail that helps me chart where I have been so that I can keep moving forward. No doubt, the path is often circular and labyrinth-like as I wander back over familiar territory but the bread crumbs of syllables are there to help re-orient me again. Faithfully, one step after the other, word after word, I move forward.

I noticed that just like I don't have to be anyone but myself, writing doesn't require a whole bunch of ritual and romance. It gets squeezed into the nooks and crannies of my life these days. Often I'll start a blog entry only to pick up the threads over several days until it feels complete. I used to be afraid that I would lose a thought if I didn't immediately capture it. Now I'm noticing that I seem to be able to pick it up where I left off, as though I had hit pause on the stream of conversation that runs inside me. Sometimes when I re-read things, I notice that their trajectory has changed subtly over the course of writing them. Clearly life experience is tempering that continuous flow of internal dialogue but hasn't taken me far from my original intent.

My desperation to capture words on the page was born from a belief that they would disappear forever and that the opportunity and promise of discovery within them would be gone too. What a potent metaphor for how I have lived. Living with a sense of scarcity about everything from time to exciting opportunities and feeling torn between my intentions and the "flavor of the week". Another myth debunked! There is always more - more time, more opportunities, just more! As a result, I'm finding it much easier to live with all my priorities intact. I don't have an alter ego to sustain, writing doesn't need to be romanced as it fits into the little spaces in my day. The flow of words gathering depth and meaning as I go along are independent of time. They keep nudging me forward.

I'm sad to have lost a fellow blogger to what I believe to be some of the myths of writing life. I'm even more sad that she has likely succombed to what I believe to be the bigger illusion that who we are on the page is just one of the many masks we wear when we are too afraid to stand naked and vulnerable and fully alive on the page - AND more importantly, in our lives. All the best to Crouching Mommy Hidden Laundry. I hope you find what you are searching for and can fully unleash the things your readers loved most about you into your "real" life!

Moving Beyond Collusion

Its 3:30 am and Baby S is having a lively conversation from the comfort of his baby swing. I suppose this is pay back for the previous day's abundance of naps. Oh well at least he is happy and I figured I'd just go with the flow while the swing works its magic!

There is this conversation that I'd like to have with you but I'm not sure if it would scare you too much or perhaps make you decide to not have a family. I'm not sure you're up for it so I'll wait until you have joined the club and maybe then we can talk about it.

Pretty darn presumptuous of me, huh?! Look at all the assumptions about what you can "handle" or not. Notice how self important it is of me to think that I could ever influence your choices around family! Not to mention how much of an unspoken clique is embedded here and how "special" it is to gain entry. Irritated? Annoyed?

Well, isn't this what we seem to do to women who have yet to have children? I think this is a deeply embedded form of collusion among women and I'm not even sure why it exists. Several times this week I've found myself in conversations with women who I barely know about the intimate details of their birth process. No sign of gory stories or one-up-man-ship here, just the facts about what it was like, how they recovered, etc. For many of these women, the experience happened more than 5 or 6 years ago and yet there is still a need to tell the story of it again and again, as if in the retelling they can make more sense of it or discover that their experience wasn't unique.

A freind commented this week about the euphemistic style of prenatal classes. She felt completely unprepared for the birth of her first child even after investing in all kinds of preparatory work. I knew just what she meant.

I know that for the birth of my first child, I was beyond terrifed during the process. None of it was what I thought it would be. I desparately wanted to escape my body - it was so much more powerful than I bargained for and each contraction reminded me that I was not in the driver's seat so much as a long for the ride as my body's intelligence took over the birth process. I didn't know that I would have repeated and painful pelvic exams in the midst of contractions that would leave me spiraling out of control and feeling violated and vulnerable - unleashing old memories stored in my body.

For weeks, and maybe even months afterward, I was deeply shaken by the experience. I would have flashbacks that would leave me tearful and trembling. I judged myself harshly since other women seemed to be coping just fine and in fact went on to have other children - so what was wrong with me?! I wouldn't have labelled myself as suffering from post-partum depression and yet I wonder how many women have had that label attached as a by product of their attempts to come to terms with their experience.

I made lots of discoveries about myself in the intervening years. Most significantly, I learned how to make peace with the innate power in my body. It is more than just a platform for my head! So many memories and emotions are stored there. It is an essential vehicle for all my physical experiences. Our bodies are intelligent and supportive of all the processes that guarantee thriving life - they are NOT the enemy. Breathing is the key to access this information, to allow the body to do its job as it integrates and metabolizes energy and information stemming from our experiences, both past and present. Discovering all of this has given me a completely different perspective on my experiences with child birth. Baby S'es arrival was a very different and positive experience as a result.

If I had any sense of the magnificience of my body and its power, I might have had a very different experience for the birth of my first child. If I had learned earlier that I could trust the powerful nature of my physical self and stop trying to control and lock myself down out, perhaps my fear would have been lessened. Knowing that by simply breathing I could easily and quickly move through the experience by living in the moment would have made a difference.

By colluding with each other, we are not offering women about to embark on the birth process the knowledge and information they need. Giving birth does not have to be an initiation process in this sense. Rather than shroud it in secrecy and euphemism, why not have frank conversations? Why not be open and honest about what to expect and how best to move forward BEFORE a woman gives birth?

Now I appreciate that this is another case of the map is not the territory. We can read and watch birth stories and have all kinds of conversations but it will never be the same as living the experience. And still, I believe that the apparent need women have to share their birth stories over and over again with other mothers points to a need to somehow make sense of it all. These are stories with an edge - quite often more than simple remincing. Is it that we are trying to reconcile that power of our bodies with the images of weakness and softness that we have bought into? Is it the other memories that surface? Does it have to do with the pressure to get "back to normal" after such a life altering experience? There are a myriad of possibilities but I notice that women aren't talking about that! Maybe we don't have the language -yet.

I suppose my final thought is that the presumption that women who have yet to give birth aren't up for honest conversations .... is a Mother Lode of crap! Maybe its time to stop colluding and to start getting honest and supportive of each other, embracing our magnificence and celebrating our resilience.

Mother Lode

After some thought and consideration, I've decided to rename and reinvent my blog. That's the beauty of the Internet today! With just a few clicks, voila! - there I am, reinvented in a way that more closely reflects who I have become. I noticed how resistant I was to adopting a new blog identity and appearance and yet every time I logged on, I would feel a niggle that this venue didn't seem to represent me very well anymore. It really made me think of the many other places and identities that I continue to inhabit that really aren't a good fit anymore. I also realized just how quickly and easily change can come about once I embrace it.

This week I made a profound realization that was like falling asleep on a bus and waking up after arriving at a destination. I have arrived at a place in my life where my old profession, my past business life and my burning desire to be a writer have all been eclipsed by my priority to be a mother to Baby S and Medium R. I used to believe that being a stay at home Mom would never offer me the stimulation and intensity that I craved. Instead, I'm discovering how all the pieces of me fit into this new framework. Becoming clear and then getting honest with myself has really helped me to re-engineer my self-perception in a way that feels much more in alignment with who I am right now. Just like this blog, that person keeps changing and evolving too!

I've edited out a few more things, old and redundant links that don't fit - in both my blog and my identity. In the process, I've discovered more space for the things that matter most. I will certainly continue to write. Its too big a part of me to ever go away! I'm taking time to notice the riches within the life I currently lead and that's what I'm choosing to focus on. My life is rarely glamorous or calm. Some days getting dressed and getting the dishwasher emptied is a huge accomplishment! Its a far cry from my former life as a professional and a business owner and yet it feels right - at least for now. Who knows what lies ahead!

I hope I won't scare away those who are not yet parents or who have made a choice to not have children or who are struggling to conceive. I have lived through all those stages myself and although children and motherhood are the inspiration for what I write these days, it always comes back to mining for meaning in my life and my own quest to grow and evolve as a person. It just so happens that my life experiences are my creative catalysts! And as always, I write for me and to make sense of my life - if that resonates with others from time to time then that just makes it sweeter! Like with any other big change, there will be those who will move on and others who will decide to join in. I need to remember to stay true to me rather than trying to hold on to the pieces that are ready to fall away. A fabulous life lesson I seem to create over and over again for myself.

So welcome to Mother Lode! A place where I plan to mine the abundant riches that life has to offer me - especially when they are diamonds in the rough!!

Quantum Creativity....TM!

I found a few moments to read the other day, never mind that it was in a few stolen moments while sitting in the "john" :) What I had with me was a little Deepak Chopra book called "Creating Affluence". ( Oh gosh, it just occurred to me that with a bit of rejigging that could read as Creating Flatulence! Yes, dear reader, I'm tired and feeling a bit punchy today!!) Anyway, as coincidence would have it (and there are NO coincidences!) I was thunderstruck by a passage in the introduction that I have read many times before. Today the words were leaping off the page and new connections where whirring away in my brain.

The concepts of quantum physics have captivated me since high school and then found new meaning as I made my journey through WEL-Systems(R) and then they once again reorganized themselves as I read Chopra's thoughts about energy and information over again. As he wrote about the notion that all things are made up of energy and information, the subatomic stuff of our universe, he also noted that so are our thoughts. What then makes our thoughts recognizable is the fact that we then structure them linguistically.

Once again, this dovetailed beautifully with what I know from WEL-Systems, however, this was the twist for me - I don't need to continue to struggle to think stuff up to keep my writing moving forward. All I need to do is to allow myself to tap into the flow of what is already present and available. What I have been doing is putting myself in the middle as a filter. In the process, I've been slowing down that energy and information, squeezing it into linguistically structured thought, assessing it and then writing it. For you WEL-Systems Alumni out there, this is akin to a therapy model approach to creativity.

What if.... and this one is ripe with possibility, what if I were to find a way to side step my intellect when I write? To create autopoietically by simply allowing myself to relax deeply into my body, allowing myself and my cells to be receptive (this I imagine to be like throwing out a fishing line into a vast and endless stream) and "hooking" the pre-thought stream or allowing my hand to write (or type as the case may be)? In this way, although linguistically structured, my intellect isn't engaged in the creation until the time comes to edit and then it becomes involved in the decision making process.

Sound familiar? I'm sure it does to many. In WEL-Systems, I came to understand this model as a process called Quantum TLC(TM) and how it relates to creating health and wellness. I know that when painting, I have had marvelous experiences of moving straight from being receptive to creating without eliciting my intellect's input until the final product is there in front of me.

I've investigated some writing resources that refer to "channeling" and still others that teach all kinds of ways to wear down the intellect, silence the inner censorship to get to this place. Not only did none of this speak to me in a language that I found either appealing or familiar, they all come from a therapy model concept that implies that one must work long and hard to obtain that level of inspired creativity. I just don't buy that model of the world anymore but I didn't have an existing framework for writing that fit so I have been feeling very frustrated and out of alignment - until now.

I realize that writing in this way will test the most firmly planted set of beliefs stemming from all those years of education that drilled in the "rules" of grammar, sentence structure and organization. I imagine my psyche etched with big red check marks ....or "X"s . Perhaps that is why it has been so difficult to write organically or to coin my own phrase, to set in motion "Quantum Creativity" (mmmm....I think I'll trademark that one). There are lots of rules to bypass within me. My good little girl persona and the rule abiding Francis (See earlier entry "She's Come Undone" for explanations!) must be exiled or occupied in order to allow uninterrupted flow from pre-thought to fingertips.

I'll be playing with this concept, resisting the urge to mold and shape what already exists in the quantum field, electing instead to let it find its way into my writing the same way it moves within me in other aspects of my life. I'll keep you posted!

The Men in My Life

I'm smitten! Head over heels in love!! Here is his bio...

Tall, dark and handsome. Navy blue eyes with eyelashes women envy. Well rounded - some might even say "pudgy". Good listener. Enjoys long walks in the park, cuddling, gazing into another's eyes. Appreciates music - everything from Mozart to Sean Kingston's unique blend of hip hop/reggae. Can lose hours while staring at bold art pieces. Appreciates vintage milk (after all, my mom is 38!)

Yep, Baby S has captured my heart! He is now six weeks old and is growing steadily. Newborn clothes are long gone and he is rapidly expanding beyond his 3 month old wardrobe. I was vindicated earlier this week when I returned to my OB for a check up and the same man who continually met my pre-natal weigh in results with a raised eyebrow and a reminder of what "normal" gains should be, sat back in his chair and said, "29 pounds gone already! That's remarkable." Anyone considering liposuction should really contemplate giving birth and breast feeding a ravenous infant - they will suck the pounds right off! Only 10 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight, however, I've noted that nothing on my body is where I left it 11 months ago!

As my love affair continues, its hard not to notice the effect this is having on the other men in my life, namely Medium "R" and his dad, Big "R". Medium R is the one that tugs at my heart strings the most. He just began Grade 1 this week. Now that he has moved from the well known and protective confines of daycare into the larger world, I'm having a hard time knowing when to let go and when to hold on. I'm doing my best not to become a smother mother but then wonder at how abruptly life has changed for my first born.

He has gone from undivided attention to being pushed to new levels of independence. Now he has to wait to have his needs and whims met where before there was barely a pause. In his big new world of school, he is starting over with making friends and discovering all the little shifts in how the rules have changed for Grade 1.

This morning, while watching me struggling to get a sleepy baby settled for the walk to the bus stop, our neighbours volunteered their two daughters as escorts to the bus since they all ride together. I jumped at the solution without much pause, only to come inside and watch my son stroll down the side walk while I wondered if I had made the right choice, if I was abandoning him, if he was upset.

In fairness to myself, I did ask him and he was okay with it. So what's my problem?! I'm having a hard time getting used to his new found independence. As much as I want it for him, I miss the connection we once had. The door is open for me to find a new way of being in his life and I can only do that effectively if I stop feeling guilty that things aren't the same. Geez - who is the one who is afraid of change anyway!? I'm so proud I could burst and I'm so sad to have had this milestone creep up on us. I suppose that might just be the perpetual paradox of motherhood.

Now, about the Big R. We are a serious team to contend with when it comes to running the house, juggling a fussy baby and keeping an active 1st grader occupied. When it comes to our former team of 2 however, I notice that I have been reduced to a blathering idiot. My whole world revolves around the most mundane and repetitive schedule. I've become an expert on who has the best diaper prices this week and what the gossip is at the bus stop. I can report how many poopy diapers I changed or on how well Medium R handled his day. What I'm getting at is that if my conversational capacity bores me to death - how can I expect Big R to feign interest?Time is so short in those moments that there is no conversational foreplay leading to more interesting topics. It goes without saying, in this household at the moment, foreplay of any sort is a faint and distant memory - sigh :)

Its only been six weeks - a fact that I continually remind myself of. We are all adjusting and finding our way. The good news is that we are doing it together and talking about it as we go. So as love affairs go - I have a new infatuation, a passionate one in the midst of transition and a deep, steady, true one that has weathered lots of storms and will ride this one out too! Before I know it, I'll be waving goodbye to Baby S as he makes his way to the bus stop and I wonder if I will have learned anything about letting babies grow into adventurous boys. I'm not prepared to imagine Medium R becoming a young man - my heart is too tender for that one. We'll just cross that bridge when we come to it ... in 20 years or so!