Moving Beyond Collusion

Its 3:30 am and Baby S is having a lively conversation from the comfort of his baby swing. I suppose this is pay back for the previous day's abundance of naps. Oh well at least he is happy and I figured I'd just go with the flow while the swing works its magic!

There is this conversation that I'd like to have with you but I'm not sure if it would scare you too much or perhaps make you decide to not have a family. I'm not sure you're up for it so I'll wait until you have joined the club and maybe then we can talk about it.

Pretty darn presumptuous of me, huh?! Look at all the assumptions about what you can "handle" or not. Notice how self important it is of me to think that I could ever influence your choices around family! Not to mention how much of an unspoken clique is embedded here and how "special" it is to gain entry. Irritated? Annoyed?

Well, isn't this what we seem to do to women who have yet to have children? I think this is a deeply embedded form of collusion among women and I'm not even sure why it exists. Several times this week I've found myself in conversations with women who I barely know about the intimate details of their birth process. No sign of gory stories or one-up-man-ship here, just the facts about what it was like, how they recovered, etc. For many of these women, the experience happened more than 5 or 6 years ago and yet there is still a need to tell the story of it again and again, as if in the retelling they can make more sense of it or discover that their experience wasn't unique.

A freind commented this week about the euphemistic style of prenatal classes. She felt completely unprepared for the birth of her first child even after investing in all kinds of preparatory work. I knew just what she meant.

I know that for the birth of my first child, I was beyond terrifed during the process. None of it was what I thought it would be. I desparately wanted to escape my body - it was so much more powerful than I bargained for and each contraction reminded me that I was not in the driver's seat so much as a long for the ride as my body's intelligence took over the birth process. I didn't know that I would have repeated and painful pelvic exams in the midst of contractions that would leave me spiraling out of control and feeling violated and vulnerable - unleashing old memories stored in my body.

For weeks, and maybe even months afterward, I was deeply shaken by the experience. I would have flashbacks that would leave me tearful and trembling. I judged myself harshly since other women seemed to be coping just fine and in fact went on to have other children - so what was wrong with me?! I wouldn't have labelled myself as suffering from post-partum depression and yet I wonder how many women have had that label attached as a by product of their attempts to come to terms with their experience.

I made lots of discoveries about myself in the intervening years. Most significantly, I learned how to make peace with the innate power in my body. It is more than just a platform for my head! So many memories and emotions are stored there. It is an essential vehicle for all my physical experiences. Our bodies are intelligent and supportive of all the processes that guarantee thriving life - they are NOT the enemy. Breathing is the key to access this information, to allow the body to do its job as it integrates and metabolizes energy and information stemming from our experiences, both past and present. Discovering all of this has given me a completely different perspective on my experiences with child birth. Baby S'es arrival was a very different and positive experience as a result.

If I had any sense of the magnificience of my body and its power, I might have had a very different experience for the birth of my first child. If I had learned earlier that I could trust the powerful nature of my physical self and stop trying to control and lock myself down out, perhaps my fear would have been lessened. Knowing that by simply breathing I could easily and quickly move through the experience by living in the moment would have made a difference.

By colluding with each other, we are not offering women about to embark on the birth process the knowledge and information they need. Giving birth does not have to be an initiation process in this sense. Rather than shroud it in secrecy and euphemism, why not have frank conversations? Why not be open and honest about what to expect and how best to move forward BEFORE a woman gives birth?

Now I appreciate that this is another case of the map is not the territory. We can read and watch birth stories and have all kinds of conversations but it will never be the same as living the experience. And still, I believe that the apparent need women have to share their birth stories over and over again with other mothers points to a need to somehow make sense of it all. These are stories with an edge - quite often more than simple remincing. Is it that we are trying to reconcile that power of our bodies with the images of weakness and softness that we have bought into? Is it the other memories that surface? Does it have to do with the pressure to get "back to normal" after such a life altering experience? There are a myriad of possibilities but I notice that women aren't talking about that! Maybe we don't have the language -yet.

I suppose my final thought is that the presumption that women who have yet to give birth aren't up for honest conversations .... is a Mother Lode of crap! Maybe its time to stop colluding and to start getting honest and supportive of each other, embracing our magnificence and celebrating our resilience.