Change Is Good?!

Today Medium R has been enjoying a new toy plane that was given to Baby S. As he joyfully flew around the room, swooping and adding sound effects, he announced that "I think I'll stay little forever. Its really fun!" This from the child who weighed himself several times a day, willing the scale read out to be 50 pounds and celebrating madly once hit hit his goal a few weeks back. This from the boy who is constantly checking for "wiggly" teeth in the hopes of achieving the gap tooth smile many of his friends are currently sporting. Sigh - I want him to stay little forever too - but you can't stop progress!

Change is everywhere. The leaves are turning as the temperature dives. Baby S is growing at an astonishing rate. This morning, after 3 attempts to stuff him into clothes that I thought were the right size, I gave up and went digging through boxes of stuff I thought I wouldn't be needing until winter. Last night when we gave the boys their bath, I noticed the silver in Big R's hair which sent me in a frenzied search through my own locks - whew! no grey interlopers to report!!

Since outside change seems to be capturing my attention these days, I took a moment over my morning coffee to take stock of the other, inner changes, that have been capturing my attention over the past few weeks. The one that caught me by surprise was finding myself in the midst of introducing myself as a writer. I resisted the urge to qualify it with stay-at-home-Mom or Physiotherapist on maternity leave - nope - I tested it and it stood alone. It felt right and I didn't collapse into a bunch of jibbering justifications - now that was new!

Having the girls over for lunch yesterday, I noticed just how far I have moved out of the world of business and career. As they discussed new business deals, challenging clients and future goals, I sipped my spritzer and felt oddly out of place. I was an observer of that world but not really party to it anymore. There was a moment of mourning that ended as quickly as it had begun when Baby S gave us a million dollar smile. I love the thrill of the chase and the scent of a business deal as much as my friends, but it really isn't what I'm looking for right now. In fact, I'm oddly content for the first time in a long time. Maybe its my estrogen marinated brain - or maybe, just maybe, I'm at peace with who I am.

The other big change has been somewhat anti-climactic. After finally coming to grips with my loss of income and admitting to myself - and to Big R, that my resentment at the load I carry at home was beginning to grow - I negotiated a "salary" for myself. It was the easiest negotiation ever! Maybe I should ask for a raise - or start a union for mothers:) Hmm - imagine the piles of laundry, the slimy refrigerator crisper drawers, the dinners made from cheese whiz, jello powder and capers as the cupboards grew bare - all this if Moms went on strike!! Ahhh, but I digress..

So now I have my own back account -separate from our joint accounts and a regular paycheque again. No more feeling like my hand is in the cookie jar when I want an indulgence and a regular reminder that what I do around here is not only appreciated, but adds value too. I think we all won on this one! And most amazing of all, Big R jumped right on board with his full support, leaving me with my mouth wide open as I was about to dive into my long explanation and justification. It only took me a sentence and a half to realize that the conversation had moved on! I guess there will be no cheese whiz on the menu this week! This is one of those times when "its not really about what it is about" applies - this has very little to do with cash and a whole lot to do with claiming my value, both for myself and then to another - and having it recognized was icing on the cake.

So after taking stock this morning, I realize that staying "little forever" is about never forgetting how to laugh and play in the face of change. Somethings in this life are inevitable but it doesn't mean we stop having fun!