JUMP!

Today I started to write a book proposal. Well, at least I've gotten as far as opening a Word file and calling it "Book Proposal" That has to count for something -right? Staring at the blank screen, mesmerized by a blinking cursor, I started to really wonder what is it that seems so daunting here. I'm sweating and I feel teary all at the same time. Its not as if I ever have to show this document to anyone if I decide its crap. I can delete, revise -whatever. My problem seems to be a fear of commitment along with a healthy does of a fear of rejection - but aren't they really two different sides of the same coin?

If I don't commit then hey - what's to fear? It all worked out for the best, it will be what it will be- right? Wrong! Wishing and hoping are, in my opinion, much like white light and forgiveness, completely and utterly useless - at least on their own. The missing ingredient is some form of action. Without putting some momentum, some energy into it there is nothing to set it in motion. It doesn't have to be hard work or even take a long time, but it does require some breath of life for the universe to take it seriously.

If wishing and hoping were enough, I would have slaughtered literally thousands of hapless bankers, waitresses, motorists and counter help by now - never mind the people close to me! Thank goodness there is a time lag between thought and manifestation. Part of the lag also invites some action on our part. Yup, we've got to step into the void, which for me is the infinite blank space after the flashing cursor. Its the portal into something new and unknown.

I'm reluctant to refine my concept of audience. I'm trying to hold all the doors open. Geez- why do I think that I must not discriminate by focusing on a target audience! Terminal people pleasing? Delusions of grandeur? More like -one more strategy I'm running to hold myself back for fear of falling flat on my face.

I'm also afraid that if I commit to a structure of some sort, then the project will lose the organic feel that makes it fun for me. Somehow, commitment in this fashion makes writing a book all serious and adult-like. It becomes "work" and I'm just not willing to "work" in any kind of constrained fashion. So, this hurdle means that I've decided to redefine "work" and recognize my right to continuously change my mind in the creative process. After all, isn't that the essence of creativity?

This commitment issue has run deep in the past. I felt that if I started something, then no matter what - I had to finish it or die trying. No quitters here! When it came to my businesses, this credo nearly killed me, damaging my health, my spirit and nearly bankrupting me before I caught on that I could change my mind. I knew that lots of entrepreneurs simply set up businesses and then sell them and move on. I wasn't willing to extend myself the same privilege. I wasn't willing to re-evaluate my rules to see if they still fit who I had become. I now know that I love and thrive on the creative juice and adrenaline involved in start ups but have no interest in the long haul when it comes to businesses. (Thankfully the same doesn't hold true for my children and marriage!)

So many stall tactics! And these are just the obvious ones - I'm sure there a gazillion others that have escaped notice. But it all boils down to just taking the first step Looking forward instead of back. Jumping in instead if trying to figure it all out. I feel like I'm standing on a diving board trying to calculate my exact trajectory, speed and entry angle into the water. Jump already! Belly flop or swan dive - does it really matter? One stings more than the other but they both have their merits!

Its time to come to grips with potential rejection. I've been practicing self-rejection for long enough that the possibility of a publisher saying "no thanks" should be a simple hurdle to clear. Who knows, maybe I'll be accepted. Certainly I'll learn something valuable in the process, whatever the outcome. Discoveries that I will never make unless I give it a try.

1-2-3 JUMP!