Journeyman

I used to wonder if it was possible to become a new person overnight but now I know its true. In fact its happened several times over the past few years but I usually rush headlong into a new phase having never taken a moment to acknowledge that a change has occurred.

It seems like I have woken up sometime in the past few days as a different version of myself. It certainly has nothing to do with getting more sleep since that isn't on Baby S'es agenda these days! I think it has a lot to do with my recent public declarations. By choosing to reveal my intentions I have stepped out of an old layer of skin only to reveal a new one underneath. All this in spite of my litany of old beliefs and insecurities. Its as though by simply stepping across that threshold, the restrictions inside me began to fall away, like a snake shedding its old skin and revealing a renewed set of glossy scales that have been quietly growing below the surface. I have no idea what comes next - and it doesn't feel at all like a challenge to move forward again.

I've spent the past few days reading a bunch of stuff about writing. It just happens to be one of my favorite topics - and reading about it is also an ingenious strategy to avoid doing any writing of my own! Sifting through the words of the "experts" I quickly realized that I absolutely cannot tolerate any technical books. Isn't that what one pays editors for?

I also discovered that in those books where I found inspiration, there were no new crumbs of information to savour. I had already stumbled upon them for myself. This was both reassuring and frustrating. And evidence of yet another pattern I have of repeatedly looking to outside experts to validate my own thoughts and experiences. At least this time I stepped into the pattern knowingly. I was really curious to see what else could be added to the voices already available on subjects such as creativity, parenting and self-discovery. From my sense of frustration, I'm getting clear that my days of student and apprentice are over.

I suppose they have been finished for a while but I have been slow to relinquish the security that comes with apprenticeship, choosing instead to hover around the edges of my dreams and ambitions. Over the past 2 years I've jumped out of a few nests. The process was much like being born - natural, powerful and unstoppable. To stay any longer would have been to risk the toxic complications that accompanies pregnancies gone past their term. No - I emerged at the right times, in the same way that a butterfly emerges having under gone a major metamorphosis. What I didn't realize or easily relax into was the realization that sometimes we need time to let our wings dry. That time isn't wasted - its part of the process. I wasn't lazy or directionless - as I prone to thinking, I was perfectly on schedule.

Its time to fully rely on my internal guidance system when it comes to setting the course for my next adventure. I find it comforting to realize that by choosing not to be a student any longer, I don't have to stop learning - something that is more important to me than I realized. The new curriculum is up to me to create and abandon as I choose. There are no grades to indicate approval. There are no rules to contain the process. There is no timeline. There is just big, boundless space to wander around in.

I have become a Journeyman. I have a craft that I am willing to work at, hone and polish. No longer an apprentice - and not yet willing to claim mastery, I am declaring myself an independent artisan. And no, this is not simply about writing - its all about living!