The Parent Trap - revised

After first posting this piece I felt like it was incomplete somehow. In fact, I was so restless that I spent a few hours in the middle of the night seeking clarity on the things that felt unfinished and unsaid. There is a lot to be explored in this topic and I feel as though I've just scratched the surface. I'm done with this post for now but I know the conversation will continue. To each of you who contacted me, many thanks! Your feedback keeps me going :)

This has been a stellar weekend so far. Its cool and rainy outside and inside, I am wrapped in the warmth of my family. Medium R officially turns 6 tomorrow. I remember the progression of this night 6 years ago but without the detail that I expected. The memories have already taken on a patina. The rough edges of a long labour have softened. The combination of terror and exhilaration at giving birth to my first child is now eclipsed my sense of amazement at who he is becoming. Baby S is not one to be outdone and he is quickly pushing his limits, seeming to have moved from newborn to active infant in the span of the fastest three months that I have lived!

Tonight I can ignore the fact that going to the grocery store was my 30 minutes of "alone" time AND that I enjoyed it! I can get over the my ignorance as to what movies have been block busters this season - heck! this YEAR! I can see beyond the sea of toys, hot wheels and dirty dishes that litter what used to be the most sophisticated room in my home. When I step on yet another painful bit of Lego camouflaged in the carpet - I can grin and bear it. What I'm getting at is that my life barely resembles what it used to. Its messy, loud and chaotic much of the time with very little time for my personal pursuits - and yet its great - because I chose it wholeheartedly.

Its at these times, when the smell of apple crisp wafts through every room and the boys, even the dog, are freshly bathed that my contentment knows no bounds. Its in these moments that I know that I made the right choices for me. What a relief!

I've been reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I could really identify with the author's struggle to come to terms with her life. Her eventual discovery that she did not want the "dream" of nice house, marriage and children reflects the struggle that many women have when it comes to deciding what is right for them. Waking up one day, she told herself the "truth" and left behind a marriage and lifestyle that was costing her health and happiness. Sometimes what is the right path is one that leads you away from what is expected by everyone else in your life.

There have been many times in my life when I really wondered if I was on the right track. Making decisions that had a lot of heart but were hard to support intellectually or even explain, I kept forging ahead and doing my best to have faith in myself. One thing that I was sure about was my desire to be a Mom. I just wasn't sure how it was going to fit into my life.

I remember someone once telling me that if I waited to have children until I was "ready" that I'd never get around to it. I think that what she meant was that it was okay to be imperfect as a parent. I felt half-baked at the time, having more questions than answers in my life. I knew I still had a lot of growing to do. I felt like I needed to be perfectly together -whatever that means, before having kids. Since then, I have realized that there really isn't any end point to my own growth. There was no secret "level" that I needed to get to in order to be ready. My kids have been a key to my emerging self. I'm growing along with them.

How else would I have discovered that my nearly 6 year old can drive better that I can? he can barely reach the pedals and has to peer through the steering wheel but he is clearly the better driver- at least when it comes to "Need For Speed" on the computer. After he whoops my ass he consoles me with , "Its okay Mommy, you only crashed 7 times. That's a LOT better than last time!" I also discovered that my inner drama queen lives on and will come out to joust from time to time. I am learning how to play again and I can't believe that I forgot. Yes,it is in these moments I'm really grateful that my kids have taken me on as their student.

In spite of my trepidation at becoming a parent, I always knew that I wanted to have children. I was absolutely crushed to discover that after all those years of trying NOT to get pregnant, when the time came to conceive it seemed as though I couldn't. I could and likely will write pages and pages on my journey through "infertility" - just not today.

Today I would rather talk about the Parent Trap. The societal belief system that presumes we should all want to bring children into the world. There are all kinds of reasons that people have children and many of them are quite misguided in my opinion. Having a child for a specific purpose other than honouring the miracle that they are, is irresponsible. Children do not save a marriage - they become another hostage in a hopeless situation. They are not pawns to live out your fantasies, to be used to live vicariously through. They are not chattel.

Far too many people have their ambivalence tip toward having children simply because by tacit agreement all women in their child bearing years "should" be settling down and having families. If they aren't then they suffer judgements about their ambition and priorities in life. I know that on more than one occasion as I struggled silently with infertility, people would take it upon themselves to politely upbraid me about my priorities in life. Perhaps I should be less ambitious in my career. Maybe I should work less and give up being a business woman. Little did they understand that my work and business were my outlets for much of my grief and longing. The list of "helpful" suggestions, was long and hurtful even if it was well intentioned. It gave me incredible insight into how you can be treated when you are perceived to be stepping out of the pack when it comes to having children.

I am blessed to know a number of fabulous women at a variety of ages who have made the conscious choice to not have children. Their fertility isn't the issue. No, they made a very clear choice in spite of the pressures that be. They were able to hold tight to the vision of who they are and who they could become - and a mother was not a part of that identity. I applaud them!

There is no substitute to being completely clear within yourself about who you are and who you want to become when it comes to crafting your life. That clarity and commitment to yourself will guide you through the quagmire of to be or not to be a parent and all the stuff that will inevitably arise no matter what your choice. If you are ambivalent and sitting on the fence, you should know that just like any other choice in life, there are consequences on both sides of the equation.

Your capacity to survive and thrive once you decide has a lot to do with how clear you are about yourself so that you own your choice. Don't sell yourself out based on public opinion. And please don't hedge your bets about whether you will be alone in old age - having children doesn't guarantee companionship and care taking into your golden years.

Not making a choice ... is still a choice! Sorry to point it out but I would be doing my job if I didn't tell it to you straight. Nothing wrong with that. Its okay to wait for clarity but don't fool yourself into thinking you can avoid a decision forever. Who wants to wake up one day and realize that their life is what it is by default?

If you are about to embark on the stage of life where the question of having children is becoming more insistent, avoiding the parent trap is only possible by knowing yourself first. You don't have to know yourself perfectly or even feel like you have mastered this thing called life. You simply have to allow yourself the opportunity to become still and quiet so that you can hear and feel what you want...what you really, really, really want. You already know the answer - I believe that. Just be honest with yourself. If you are questioning yourself, take a moment to decide is it your voice that you hear or is it the clamour of someone else's beliefs and opinions? Is it your Mom's desire to be a Grandmother? Is it your friends who are changing lifestyles based on the choices that they have made? Is it your partner's dream but not yours - or vice versa?

Don't unwittingly fall into the Parent Trap - becoming 'trapped' in beliefs that aren't a reflection of what you want. Parenting has a lot of tough, exhausting, challenging, heart breaking moments. It is also a wonderful beyond words - if it is what you choose. If its not what you want then I can only imagine that it would feel like a trap.