Because I Said So!

I often wonder if I inherited a melancholy gene, or perhaps it is my lineage as 50% Irish that lends me that sense of continually turning things over in my mind. As I think about it, melancholy isn't really the word I'm looking for since it implies sadness and that is not my natural state of mind.

There was a time when the bits of memory, some of them painful, would live in my body, and a memory would surface when a sensory cue would come along - usually something unexpected like a smell or a few notes of a song, and transport me to another time and place in my life. Many memories were a slow accumulation of granules and things with sharp edges. Things I was continually trying to avoid bumping into. Things my physical body actually learned to encapsulate and bend and weave around so that tissue actually conformed itself into different shapes. As a Physiotherapist by training, I will tell you unequivocally that this has been my personal and professional experience for 15+ years, as extraordinary as it sounds - but exploration of that notion belongs elsewhere for the moment.

Over time these bits of personal memory have become more like pearls. Their rough edges smoothed out and polished to a soft sheen. There smoothness having less to do with repeated handling and more to do with simply allowing them to find their place and integrate into my life's experience.

I'm not sure what word I would chose to describe my desire and deep pleasure at being willing and able to dive deep under the surface of my life. In this world below the surface I see patterns repeating. Some with great beauty and intricacy and some others....well, they are more like the fun house mazes I remember at the fair!

There is something magical to me about this other dimension. It seems that its in this space that I learn all kinds of things about myself. In fact, I don't take myself too seriously here because it is as though I am a patient parent when I observe the events of my life from this perspective. I watch my fumbles and foibles, my "serious" events, along with those random weird things that happen in life with compassion and amusement. I see the bigger picture. The me that watches "me" just feels so much larger than all of the stuff that gets played out on the surface. If I listen closely, I give myself great advice!

I remember a conversation a while back where someone asked me why I thought everything must "mean" something more. I really didn't have an answer at the time, just a sense of "rightness" (and I was probably more than a little self-righteous too!). I didn't worry too much about it but it was one of those nagging questions that become like a pearl and over the past few days I think I may have discovered the "why".

Why? Because I said so! I get to assign meaning in my life and that is what makes life fun and instructive and interesting for me. Its my decision to make - how amazingly marvelous!

I think everything "means" something because that is what gives my life meaning. A bit convoluted but let me try to explain. I am not content with the status quo. I am a life long student who is quickly running out of teachers and mentor's "out there" that interest me (not to discount the many people who inspire me). The older I get the more "unteachable" I become! That is if I think of teaching as a follow the leader, follow the rules type of experience - I will not relinquish my autonomy on this front. Lately, I've become very aware that by looking beyond the veil of my ordinary life, there are a myriad of lessons just waiting - if I tutor myself.

This is leadership in my life. I am responsible for driving my own evolution and I don't presume that it is this way for everyone. I do not, however, believe that I am universally unique. I'm sure there are other folks who do the same and still others who are, like I was not too long ago, on the path to realizing that you can be your own best mentor and teacher. You are likely much more wise and together than you ever realized if you stop and listen. If you were to trust that those things with ragged edges are on their way to becoming pearls that slip easily into your experience and don't need to be pulled away from.

I don't want to imply that I have a problem with anyone who chooses not to dig deep in their lives or sift for meaning the way I do. I am a miner ( I prefer that to gold-digger!). I enjoy bringing bits of treasure to the surface. I love finding a nugget of wisdom that looks like an ordinary rock, one we trip over and pay no attention to other that to mumble "stupid rock". I find great joy in polishing that rock and finding something of value hidden in plain sight. Its not by accident that when I sat down to reinvent my blog, my inner voice very quickly tossed out the title "Mother Lode" - as if it had been waiting to be asked all along. I'm glad that I listened!