Losing "It"

Where does time go? Friday already and I'm so glad to have found a few precious minutes to be here. This week has been filled with lots of activity. Baby S had his first needle this week and unlike his big brother, he was completely unforgiving of the doctor and decided that he would let the whole world know "damn! that hurt!!" He's no push-over! Medium R came home from school yesterday with a stomach ache that responded well to copious cuddles and a good does of cartoons.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this there was time for some wonderful conversations with great women. I can't believe how much I learn and grow every time there is an opportunity to connect with other people. I've been too much of a hermit lately!

It seems that my fascination with the topic of identity continues this week in the threads of the conversations I found myself in. So many of us have these repeated "identity crisis" and then wonder what the heck is wrong with us. Why are we, once again, trying to figure out who we are?! Didn't we solve this the last time around?

I think what we forget, or perhaps never considered, is that we are always in the process of growth. It just never ends. While one identity fits for a while, if we are paying any attention at all, we notice that sooner or later, it doesn't fit so well anymore. Now sometimes we'll attempt to suck our metaphorical tummies in, attempting to squeeze back into it, only to find ourselves uncomfortable (and gassy!) after a short while. Sometimes we're afraid that we are going to be out there, naked and vulnerable and we'll do anything to cover ourselves up - not wanting to be seen while we are in between incarnations.

Change is inevitable, like it or not. Here's the thing, the alternative to growth is ..... not just "not growth"....but a sure path to decline and, as dramatic as it sounds, death. We know that is how our cells behave. They are either in states of growth or protection, there is no in between, and a cell that stays in protection for too long - dies. And what are we but a big bag of cells?! I choose growth - as uncomfortable as that can be at times.

We don't grow backwards. What I mean is that we don't go back in time as we grow - we move forward. Kids, plants - they get bigger as time moves on. Why do we as adults, resist the change implicit in growth? We may not be keen about the physical signs of our maturing but we expect them. We have come up with a myriad of ways to maintain the status quo of our physical appearance desperately trying to turn back the clock. When it comes to spiritual and emotional growth, we seem intent on maintaining the status quo by trying to hold on to what was rather than being willing to discover what can be.

Its hard to step into the unknown. Its especially hard if you believe that the world is a scary and dangerous place. Its also very hard if you have defined yourself based on circumstances such as your children, your career, your financial status, marital status - you fill in the blank. Losing anyone of those things can send us into a tailspin of mythic proportions if that is who we believe we are.

One of my biggest identity crisis was going to University. Man, I couldn't wait to get there. I wanted to leave my small town life behind and enjoy some freedom. Moving from a town of 500 to Toronto, where one of my University classes could easily number close to that, I discovered that I had no clue who I was. I wasn't so and so's daughter/grand daughter/sister. I wasn't a member of this church or club or band. No one knew or cared about my past accomplishments.

All that mattered was the present moment and who I was there to become. I did not know until then, just how much I relied on all the external definitions of who I was. In fact, up until then, everyone but me got to determine who I was. I'm sure each of us has had such a watershed moment. A moment when it became clear to us that who we are is not necessarily who everyone has been telling us that we are. Unfortunately, my "moment" lasted about a year and involved medications being pushed by multiple doctors to treat "depression". I knew I wasn't depressed - I was just lost.

Since then, I've "found" myself repeatedly and realized that the "finding" is more like a wardrobe change because I've out grown some aspect of my life. The essence and fundamental me remains the same I am as I step into larger and larger garments. Garments of my choosing and my design.

I know its not always easy to face a challenge in life that threatens our stability and status quo and as I sat with a friend who is facing this type of destabilization in her life, I found it hard to put into words what has taken several days to percolate and find expression here. We joked about the line "Well, at least you have your health" when it comes to consoling someone in financial crisis. I suppose that advice holds some measure of comfort - if you are planning to sell a kidney!!

You see, the thing is, its much bigger than money or health - its about who we are once we see the trappings of our external life threatened and perhaps taken away. If we can summon the courage to look at this as an opportunity to re-invent ourselves, to reclaim who we are and who we can become, then the ebb and flow of money feels less scary. Stepping into the situation with trust in ourselves and in our capacity to use this as a springboard to create something new will open all kinds of doors. Doors we may not have noticed if we hadn't been jolted out of the status quo.

What makes change of this magnitude hard isn't what we are facing on the outside, its what we are facing on the inside. I love the analogy of the trapeze artist who must let go of one bar in order to grab the other. It requires a certain amount of trust that the bar will be there and it also means we have to let go of the bar we were just hanging on to. Weeeeee!! Is that fear or exhilaration - or both?!

We often overlook the fact that we are involved in creating our lives. We are quick to take credit for our successes and often place the blame on someone else for those aspects that are less than stellar. If we are committed to riding the wave of change rather than being plowed under by it, we have to take responsibility for our lives. We can't play the powerless victim card and expect our lives to improve. We must step up and be willing to accept that we created it all - the good, the bad, the ugly!

Even if we are just talking about how we have perceived the situation in front of us, we are in control of how we look at it and react. I confess, there are lots of times when I want it to be exclusively someone else's fault so that I can indulge my inner drama queen! - but I can tell you from my years of trying that one out, it doesn't work to create what you want. In fact, it seems to invite even more of what you don't want - that is assuming that you eventually tire of drama! For some, drama is the ultimate goal to remind them that they are alive (guilty on that front too!) but there really are more fun ways to live your life - you'll just have to trust me on this!

There is something to be said for "losing it" - whatever "it" may be. Without the camouflage and distraction of "it", we can see ourselves clearly and we make room for what's next. Its kind of like clearing out a messy garage or a crammed linen closet, once the purge is complete there is a sense of relief when you look at the space created. You keep what you need and let go of what you don't. Its a fresh start and you have the all the stuff required to create what comes next.