The Men in My Life

I'm smitten! Head over heels in love!! Here is his bio...

Tall, dark and handsome. Navy blue eyes with eyelashes women envy. Well rounded - some might even say "pudgy". Good listener. Enjoys long walks in the park, cuddling, gazing into another's eyes. Appreciates music - everything from Mozart to Sean Kingston's unique blend of hip hop/reggae. Can lose hours while staring at bold art pieces. Appreciates vintage milk (after all, my mom is 38!)

Yep, Baby S has captured my heart! He is now six weeks old and is growing steadily. Newborn clothes are long gone and he is rapidly expanding beyond his 3 month old wardrobe. I was vindicated earlier this week when I returned to my OB for a check up and the same man who continually met my pre-natal weigh in results with a raised eyebrow and a reminder of what "normal" gains should be, sat back in his chair and said, "29 pounds gone already! That's remarkable." Anyone considering liposuction should really contemplate giving birth and breast feeding a ravenous infant - they will suck the pounds right off! Only 10 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight, however, I've noted that nothing on my body is where I left it 11 months ago!

As my love affair continues, its hard not to notice the effect this is having on the other men in my life, namely Medium "R" and his dad, Big "R". Medium R is the one that tugs at my heart strings the most. He just began Grade 1 this week. Now that he has moved from the well known and protective confines of daycare into the larger world, I'm having a hard time knowing when to let go and when to hold on. I'm doing my best not to become a smother mother but then wonder at how abruptly life has changed for my first born.

He has gone from undivided attention to being pushed to new levels of independence. Now he has to wait to have his needs and whims met where before there was barely a pause. In his big new world of school, he is starting over with making friends and discovering all the little shifts in how the rules have changed for Grade 1.

This morning, while watching me struggling to get a sleepy baby settled for the walk to the bus stop, our neighbours volunteered their two daughters as escorts to the bus since they all ride together. I jumped at the solution without much pause, only to come inside and watch my son stroll down the side walk while I wondered if I had made the right choice, if I was abandoning him, if he was upset.

In fairness to myself, I did ask him and he was okay with it. So what's my problem?! I'm having a hard time getting used to his new found independence. As much as I want it for him, I miss the connection we once had. The door is open for me to find a new way of being in his life and I can only do that effectively if I stop feeling guilty that things aren't the same. Geez - who is the one who is afraid of change anyway!? I'm so proud I could burst and I'm so sad to have had this milestone creep up on us. I suppose that might just be the perpetual paradox of motherhood.

Now, about the Big R. We are a serious team to contend with when it comes to running the house, juggling a fussy baby and keeping an active 1st grader occupied. When it comes to our former team of 2 however, I notice that I have been reduced to a blathering idiot. My whole world revolves around the most mundane and repetitive schedule. I've become an expert on who has the best diaper prices this week and what the gossip is at the bus stop. I can report how many poopy diapers I changed or on how well Medium R handled his day. What I'm getting at is that if my conversational capacity bores me to death - how can I expect Big R to feign interest?Time is so short in those moments that there is no conversational foreplay leading to more interesting topics. It goes without saying, in this household at the moment, foreplay of any sort is a faint and distant memory - sigh :)

Its only been six weeks - a fact that I continually remind myself of. We are all adjusting and finding our way. The good news is that we are doing it together and talking about it as we go. So as love affairs go - I have a new infatuation, a passionate one in the midst of transition and a deep, steady, true one that has weathered lots of storms and will ride this one out too! Before I know it, I'll be waving goodbye to Baby S as he makes his way to the bus stop and I wonder if I will have learned anything about letting babies grow into adventurous boys. I'm not prepared to imagine Medium R becoming a young man - my heart is too tender for that one. We'll just cross that bridge when we come to it ... in 20 years or so!