Constant Craving

I feel like I have nothing to say today.....so why am I here? I can't seem to pass by my laptop without wanting to hear the click of keys. I suppose there is more to it, I can hear myself with ease when I begin to type. If I listen closely, there is a voice running underneath the drone of my list of chores for today and the grocery list getting compiled in my head. Its that voice that I'm longing to listen to right now.

I should be sleeping. I was awake most of the night with Baby S who is now resting happily. Medium R is safely on the bus and heading off into the day. This is the perfect opportunity to either make myself a proper meal or to slip back into my still warm bed for a few minutes. The fact that I haven't even taken a step in that direction tells me that today I need to find that voice inside me. I need to tune in more than I need to eat or sleep.

Why the compulsion to write and connect to myself I wonder and as soon as the thought appears on the screen I look to my right and see a book I bought yesterday. Oh , now I get it! I picked up a book at Chapters yesterday called "Between Interruptions - 30 Women Tell the Truth About Motherhood". Thirty prominent Canadian women have written about their experiences of motherhood, career and relationships with breath taking honesty. Since scanning a few of the essays, I recognize aspects of myself. I recall the identity crisis after my first child as the pre-baby me waged war with the post-baby me - we all lost AND something new emerged instead - an identity I had never dreamed of and that has been honed by the double whammy of Baby S'es arrival and my decision to step off the career path I started on.

I think its time for women to start having different conversations about their choices around motherhood, career and how these identity shifts play out in our lives. These are conversations that aren't always welcome in wider society. Our spouses, families and workplaces may not embrace our choices or support our journey. Why wait until after children arrive to begin these conversations? How much might we teach other women poised on the edge of motherhood if these conversations find their way into the open? Feminism and Women's Lib gave us more choice than ever before and at the same time, it has silenced us by implying that some conversations and choices are less acceptable - what could we have to complain about or wrestle with? We should just be grateful that we weren't living the lives our mother's did - we have options.

Yes, we have options but we also have belief systems acquired from our mothers and our grandmothers that we are trying to reconcile with our current reality. Women are divided in their choices to stay at home or return to the workplace and rather than support each other, many have become invested in being "right" when it comes to their particular choice. Once again, defining ourselves through our children or our career is the same identity crisis all over again. How many of us can truly describe ourselves without those roles as a back drop. Who are we when those aspects are removed?

These are the conversations I crave. This is the passion that has awakened in me - to bring these conversations into the public domain and get women talking with each other, creating opportunities to celebrate, to connect and to transform. This is what is far more compelling than a cozy bed or leisurely breakfast. This is the undercurrent surging beneath the stream of daily life. This is what I invite you and the women in your life to step into. I hope you will join me in the conversation.