Turning on a Dime

Its the wee hours and now that Baby S is fed and happily asleep, I find myself unable to slip back into my own reverie. Thoughts are swirling and old worries are slowly unfurling. How is it that by the light of day they are diminished but at night they become huge spectres?

Life turns on a dime is what I've been thinking about. I suppose that is part of its illusory quality. I've been staring down a few of my more frightening personal monsters, determined to win this round. Seems like there is a pattern here of sailing along feeling happy and content in my life - until I come to a corner. What's around that corner is any one's guess but the interruption in my happily established flow fills me with dread. What I'm in the process of discovering is that none of it is "real" and much of what fuels my fears hasn't even happened - except in the theatre of my mind. That theatre sure can be convincing as I can feel my body and thoughts responding as if this is indeed reality, when in fact, a whole range of possibility exists between now and what can occur in the future.

It is this vast range of possibility that has always appealed to me from the field of quantum physics. In that context, packets of energy are not really fixed in reality per se, but contain innumerable possible states to exist in. They become "real" once observed and respond to the expectations or hypothesis that the observer interacting with them brings to the event. Quantum physics doesn't just happen in a lab somewhere - it is part of our day to day existence. A fact I find comforting because it means that I am participating with my life rather than being at its mercy.

So what does that mean for me in this late night entry? That unless I make a choice to open myself to new possibilities, I will create exactly the "monster" I fear. Waking up tonight and realizing that I am once again allowing myself to fall into its grasp, I have an opportunity to notice just how easily I am seduced by this scenario to the exclusion of all others.

And you know what?! It always is grounded in one of several dogged beliefs that I seem to continue to tote around with me in spite of everything I have discovered so far, and they are that "I don't deserve easy, wonderful, - fill in the blank" and "I'm not good enough at - once again, fill in the blank". These two beliefs keep me dancing like a puppet- if I let them. As soon as they take root, I find myself immediately reacting and living as though I am at their mercy. Thankfully, it takes me less and less time to wake up and notice their presence and then to choose to do something about them.

Tonight, I am so aware of the pressure in my body that is urging me on to bigger writing projects. I feel like I'm still wavering at the starting line - largely because I want to know the outcome. I want to have the whole destination outlined for this particular journey. Dancing with my fears tonight has invited me to take a close look at what I want in life and what I'm actually doing to get there. Its not an even equation. As much as I might be dreaming, wishing, hoping - I'm not matching those with action.

A book will not magically appear on my computer hard drive simply because I've wished it into existence. A publisher isn't likely to appear without an invitation and something to read. And I will not put my beliefs about being good enough to rest unless I summon the courage to do it anyway.

Courage and persistence, even when the destination is unclear, are the evidence of creating with the universe. Creating in spite of ourselves, in spite of our fears and hang ups. I recall reading a section in one of my favourite Julia Cameron books that drove this point home. She was married to Martin Scorcesse early in his career and she recounted soem stories about dinner parties where some of the best and brightest film directors of today and who were just beginning their careers would sit around the dinner table, seeking each others advice, supporting each other when they were feeling very uncertain of their talent or the direction they were headed in their creative projects. Simply knowing that these great artists had doubts but did it anyway, gives me incredible hope and motivation.

Its time to get moving because life turns on a dime and believing that turn to be "good" or "bad" isn't all that useful for me. I'm focused instead on the fact that there is always another dime and those dimes belong to me- precious creative energy to spend as I wish.

So as many of us already have discovered when in this state - breathing IS good! Tonight I hope it will lead not just to some resolution in my body, but maybe a bit of snoring too.