Mirror, mirror....

Feeling full of confidence after being able to squeeze into some of my old jeans, I decided to pack up Baby S this morning and head to the mall in search of some new jeans. Gackkk! What the hell was I thinking!!!????

There I stood with 5 pairs of jeans littering the floor of the change room. I stared at my body in open mouthed horror! Like a train wreck - I just couldn't look away. No stretch marks - thank God! - but just when did I get so big? My tummy sags, my thighs are dimpled and fleshy -never mind my jiggly arms! I didn't have the courage to look at my butt.

I felt completely betrayed by this physical package. Not only does it NOT look like I thought it did, but it also has a mind of its own; it leaks and oozes, it getting cravings. My breasts aren't even my own anymore as a 3 week old baby raptor has laid claim to them :) ! It felt really hard to imagine any kind of magnificence in the spectre staring back at me from the mirror.

Perhaps this is another place where lowered standards could apply. After all, it has only been 3 weeks since I grew and then delivered a new little life into the world. At the same time, I'm aware that I have been looking blindly into mirrors for several years now, reluctant to face the truth of what has been looking back. I'm eating mindlessly, trying to garner energy to keep me moving through my topsy turvy days and nights. In my current state of adjustment to this new life, I find myself using food for consolation - "don't I deserve a treat?" - it doesn't require me to step away from my "duties" in order to indulge myself and fill up an empty space inside with food.

I think its time for a change and the change begins with today's reality check that has startled me out of my coma. No point to feeling at effect here any longer. I do the shopping and the cooking so at the most basic level, I'm in charge here. Part of staying connected to myself is to begin to take the time to care and nourish myself for the long term. Nourishing more than just my body is an important step. Just what do I need? Is it really food or could I be craving something else?

Halfway through writing this I scanned the WEL-Systems blogs and read Lori's recent entries. Thank you, Lori for sharing your journey on a Whole Healthy Me. I feel a lot of resonance with your thoughts.

Four pounds, forty, four hundred - does it really matter? Its not about the "thing" itself. It so happens that my personal journey has a destination of 40 pounds AND even more importantly, its about discovering the beliefs and attitudes that are cloaked in those pounds. Its about allowing the "self" that I can see to emerge from her camouflage so that the mirror begins to reflect "me" and not all the destructive habits of thought that have created the image that looks back at me today. I'll keep you posted :)