In The Meantime...

These days I feel like I'm living with a foot in two places. In this limbo-land, I feel as though I am always waiting. I'm waiting for my hair to grow longer, waiting patiently for the last of my post partum pounds to disappear and waiting for the future I imagine - to arrive in its full glory.

Facing my growing frustration and resentment a few weeks back was the beginning of a monumental shift in my perspective. In claiming all those discoveries about my restlessness, I felt as though I could once again be here with my kids, without feeling stifled. I've since found the ways to carve out my own life, separate from them and yet inclusive of them too. I've been able to find time to create in new ways. I'm especially excited at having found partnerships with other women that allow me the freedom to do ALL the things that I love.

More recenty I've stumbled over a new challenge. Our new home has been delayed - yet again. We were to move in in September 2007 and now after a series of delays, our latest closing date is November 2008. Although we haven't sold our current home, as a family, we have been feeling somewhat rootless. After 3 false starts in preparing to move, many of our things are in boxes. Our excitement is fading as we wonder whether or not to allow ourselves to get excited about our latest date.

I have no idea as to what there is to discover from this process but I don't believe any event in life is random. The fact that this situation has gone from the ridiculous to the sublime makes it exceptionally noteworthy. Even my husband, who is typically silent about such matters, made the observation that perhaps we had better re-think our move given the number of obstacles that have appeared. After some soul-searching, we have made the choice to stay the course and in the process our attachment to this home has changed significantly.

What I'm noticing about myself has been the very physical click I experienced when I received the call about this latest extension required by the builder has been echoing loudly through different aspects of my life. I heard myself say that we were prepared to walk away and then I began to explore our options almost immediately. In that moment, I went from feeling like a victim of circumstance to someone in charge of her life. It doesn't matter that for the moment, I am committed to the same course of action. The difference is that it is no longer a passive process but one that I am mindfully participating in - knowing that I CAN change my mind. I am also not willing to wait to start living anymore and I was startled to discover in that moment just how much I had been putting my life on hold in anticipation of the big change this move will signify.

As a result the other new undercurrent in my life has been the desire to just get on with it. I am no longer waiting for the move to be complete before starting up my latest business venture. What I'm doing now has no resemblance to what I had planned - and it is full of joy and surprises! I've put myself out there to create new relationships right here in my own backyard rather than waiting to become a part of my new community.

This week I'm finalizing the rental of a storage locker so that we don't have to continually stumble over partially packed rooms in our house - reminders of living in the future. I'm looking forward to the space this will open up and the knowledge that anything we want is still easily accessible to us - whether it is an article from our home or the choice of a very differnt future. So much of my restlessness has been connected to feeling overwhlemed by a lack of "space". While I've created considerably more space for ME and how I express myself creatively, this next step of creating more physical space feels like the icing on the cake. It echoes in my physical environment the comittment I've made to mySelf.

Maybe the biggest lesson of all has been to step up in my life and beginning living NOW rather than in the future. Why not create what I want in my life right here, right now? My future will arrive whether I micro-manage or not - and probably faster if I loosen my grip, allowing it to emerge bit by bit rather than forcing it into my potentially limited vision! Best of all, I'm discovering that there is a lot of living to do in the meantime!!