Stop!

Today I had this unnerving experience with a physio client and found myself teetering on the edge of screaming at her "STOP!"

Let me give you a bit of background here. She isn't the first client like this that I have encountered and in all likelihood she won't be the last. Seeking confirmation of her dire condition, she repeatedly told me the same story of her injury and its evolution several times earlier this week and then proceeded to repeat the same cycle again today. Firmly rooted in the past, placing herself repeatedly in the hands of multiple practitioners, playing their opinions off of each other and grabbing bits of information out of context she has now progressively complicated her physical situation to the point of utter confusion. Chaos has possessed her body and is swirling around her presence like the numerous eddies found in the white water rapids of a fast moving river.

....stop......

This was my simple message to her today. Rather than yell it out, I took a breath and found myself repeating the word softly, meeting her intensity with one word. Allowing her to sink into it and find its firmness. Holding myself back from offering the hard edge she was ready to bash herself against with a gentle, firm request to stop.

I'm not entirely certain that even when she reached stunned silence that she was able to hear what I had to say. Without wanting to judge whatever intelligence has been spinning her in self-imposed circles crafting an ever tightening web of victim hood, I hoped that she would be able to hear my invitation to stop where she was and look forward rather than back. She was unable to tell me what she felt in this moment .... only what the past few weeks have been like. I wanted her to discover that by simply becoming still, some of the chaos would abate, if even for a moment. I wanted to share with her the opportunity to take her power back with a simple choice. I can't say for certain that any of this information found its mark or made a difference. I trust that she is exactly where she needs to be right now and found myself wondering why I would attract this woman into my life as she clearly made an impact on my day.

STOP!

That message is meant as much for me as it is for her. My own sense of urgency is taking its shape as feeling as though time is scarce. I've been feeling like I'm running into self-imposed and arbitrary deadlines.

"Be fit and fabulous before 40 comes."

"Write that book that has been nipping at your heels for months now."

"Get _______ done before the baby comes, the house needs to be listed for sale, its time to move."

I've noticed that this conversation in my head gets louder every time I work, as though precious time is seeping away. Maybe it is. Perhaps that is what I need to stop. And of course this realization is accompanied by a chorus of voices that says "must be nice", "how lazy, spoiled, unproductive" I am. Hmmm. I don't have much to say in my own defence except that I can hear the gentle, firm voice that is my own, telling me to stop and that is the one that never leads me astray, even when the chorus pipes up.

Stop rushing, stop judging myself, stop the frenzied search. Be still. Be quiet. Take stock of what is present right now - not what was or what might be.

I'm grateful for the messenger that my client was today. Without her I would not have taken the time tonight to simply stop, breathe and be present right now rather than racing ahead or circling back.