From "To-Do" to "Ta Da!"
This week has been filled with fragmented bits of journaling with tid-bits of half formed thoughts making their appearance. In many ways this is quite exciting as many of these thoughts are new creatures that aren't scuttling around the edges of my brain but have now begun leaving little foot prints. Finally a trail to follow! I've chosen not to pursue them out into the open just yet, opting to let them reveal themselves a bit more clearly, maybe walk right up to me, rather than trying to flush them out and risking their disappearance in the ensuing chaos. In making this choice, I'm aware that for the first time in a while now, I'm not trying to "make" anything happen. My typical modus operandi is to make it happen, produce, perform, etc. I'm sure I'm unique in this - ya right!
Living that way means that life begins to take on all the luster of a to-do list. Ironically, just a little to my right lies this week's to-do list that is miles longer than I will ever get accomplished. The same items keep appearing week after week as they get replaced by the more urgent demands of day to day life. If I were to be completely honest, some of the items are still there simply because tackling them seems either too large or yucky to contemplate! My heart's just not in it and so it keeps on rolling over onto the next list until I decide to let go - either by assigning it to someone else or simply deciding that life can go on without a tidy linen closet :)
My creative process has been much the same of late and its only with the contrast in how I've approached it this week that I can see that it had taken on a lack luster appeal in previous months. While I crave something exciting and novel; something wild and feral - I can see that I've gone about stalking it as opposed to simply being still and letting it show itself in its own time.
What I lacked was trust. Trust in myself and trust in the process of emergence. Far away from the frenzied hunt, being simply still is a discipline of a different sort. Still doesn't mean indifferent or oblivious, in fact it is the sharpening of focus and awareness. Gosh! Who knew how challenging it could be to just "be" as opposed to "doing"! Even having learned this lesson a few times over, it is simply amazing to me how I can find myself catapulted back to the to-do style of living and creating.
What a marvelous metaphor pregnancy is in all of this. Its impossible to push this baby out right now no matter how much I want to move forward (and to sleep on my stomach, shave my legs without becoming a contortionist or tie my shoes without grunting!!). It will emerge in its own time and when my body is good and ready - not a second before.
Living that way means that life begins to take on all the luster of a to-do list. Ironically, just a little to my right lies this week's to-do list that is miles longer than I will ever get accomplished. The same items keep appearing week after week as they get replaced by the more urgent demands of day to day life. If I were to be completely honest, some of the items are still there simply because tackling them seems either too large or yucky to contemplate! My heart's just not in it and so it keeps on rolling over onto the next list until I decide to let go - either by assigning it to someone else or simply deciding that life can go on without a tidy linen closet :)
My creative process has been much the same of late and its only with the contrast in how I've approached it this week that I can see that it had taken on a lack luster appeal in previous months. While I crave something exciting and novel; something wild and feral - I can see that I've gone about stalking it as opposed to simply being still and letting it show itself in its own time.
What I lacked was trust. Trust in myself and trust in the process of emergence. Far away from the frenzied hunt, being simply still is a discipline of a different sort. Still doesn't mean indifferent or oblivious, in fact it is the sharpening of focus and awareness. Gosh! Who knew how challenging it could be to just "be" as opposed to "doing"! Even having learned this lesson a few times over, it is simply amazing to me how I can find myself catapulted back to the to-do style of living and creating.
What a marvelous metaphor pregnancy is in all of this. Its impossible to push this baby out right now no matter how much I want to move forward (and to sleep on my stomach, shave my legs without becoming a contortionist or tie my shoes without grunting!!). It will emerge in its own time and when my body is good and ready - not a second before.
How is the birth of a creative "project" any different? And just like the continued development of this child, my creative brain-child continues to kick and stretch but shows no inclination into making its way into my outer world - yet. I'm so excited to discover that I'm beginning to discern the pattern and personality of each through the connections I feel in my body. I can now feel the outlines of knees and elbows etched on my belly from the inside out and in the same way, there is shape and form just beginning when its comes to how my thoughts are piecing themselves together.
Rather than keep myself busy with a list of "to-do's", I'm growing more content with becoming still and aware and allowing the "ta-da" to happen in its own time.
Rather than keep myself busy with a list of "to-do's", I'm growing more content with becoming still and aware and allowing the "ta-da" to happen in its own time.
1 comment:
Hi There Anita,
I feel like I've been living in my own world over the past few weeks and today i wondered over to your blog. I need to catch up and feel like part of a bigger collective. I always smile when I read your blog. I loved the becoming a contortionist. the grunting and so on. Yes, I actually remember and felt something new today as well with my daughter that I'll probably share later.
Take care and huge hugs to you.
Amy
Post a Comment