Lady In Waiting

Its after 1 in the morning now and my twitchy legs and hiccuping bump have driven me out of the bed, leaving more room for the dog to stretch into and creating an opportunity for my husband to finally drift into deeper sleep now that my restlessness has moved me to action.

Writing just seemed like a natural occupation tonight. I often turn to my journal but the screen seems somehow more inviting. I am so aware of my growing impatience to just get on with it when it comes to giving birth. In fact, that impatience has been with me for a long time - a life time. So much rushing ahead. Some much pushing, pushing, pushing - fruitlessly. Energy expended needlessly. Moments wasted in anticipation of what was coming rather than appreciating what was present. This is how I have lived. Sound familiar to anyone else?

So what is my big hurry? Is it so I can delude myself into some notion of control? Is it a way of anticipating what's coming next (a very useful strategy in my life at one time!)? What is so compelling up ahead that I am unable to remain in the present for any length of time? What do I not want to see/feel/engage in the now that has me skipping ahead?

Sometimes I feel like if I take my eye off my destination for even one minute that I will lose sight of where I am headed. Its as though I have come to believe that without bringing my full and focused attention to bear, exerting all of my will - my most precious dreams will evaporate into nothingness. Quietly driven is how I would describe myself although I'm not sure if that is how others experience me.

Part of my camouflage has also been to keep that drive low key so that it won't be sabotaged in anyway. I also wouldn't want to appear "too" ambitious, full of myself, ... fill in the blank! (There is my inner Francis at work!). And yet, in spite of myself, that fire, drive and determination are evident in all kinds of ways to anyone who knows me.

It maybe that this is one more lesson from the wise sage in residence in my belly. I must learn to wait and to fill that time with the appreciation of what is happening NOW. Usually, I would be up in arms to be wide awake at this hour, knowing that tomorrow is full of plans - instead, I'm aware of this as a stretch of precious time to write and listen and then write some more.

Tomorrow is malleable - it will be whatever I make of it. What I have is now and a choice to act or feel acted upon.

Its not as though the Universe is without a sense of humour either. While I've been chomping at the bit to deliver this child into the outside world, my friend Irene awoke to the surprise of having her water break nearly 4 weeks early. She has certainly been catapulted into the now :) and it has afforded me the chance to examine my own impatience. And so I continue as a Lady In Waiting - who is awake physically and metaphorically in this moment!

PS: Thinking of you Irene! Can't wait to meet your little boy in person once he has arrived!!