That Was Easy!

I wonder ...is it possible to feel 11months pregnant - 'cause if it is, I think this is how it feels!

Today is my due date and I'm feeling well past my expiry! As far as I can tell, I don't smell or have any mould (although there are lots of places I can no longer see on this burgeoning body!) but I certainly feel over-ripe :)

What a crazy dance these last few days have been. The night before last saw me pacing the whole night through building contractions. I finally snagged some sleep from 5 am to 7 am and awoke to only the faintest hint of contraction and a baby that seemed to be content to stretch, as though to yawn from time to time. My excitement and anticipation nose dived into disappointment, frustration and a sense of having just "cried wolf" to all those eagerly waiting for baby's arrival. Its interesting for me to note that I felt I let people down somehow by not producing a baby when I thought I would! Ahh ... just how deep does my need to please go, anyhow? It was good to notice.

By last night the lack of "progress" had really got me down and I began to see a very recognizable pattern in my life even more clearly. I have been aware of my "start/stop" process in creation for a long time now. Its effects can be seen when I look back to every major creation in my life, and probably many of the lower key things too. I'm curious about this strategy. It feels a bit like testing the waters, checking for thin ice or sneaking up on a goal. God forbid anything come too easily!! What it does is create for me a mixed sense of excitement tinged with dread. The dread comes from that long held belief that something is going to derail before I'm at my destination. Perhaps it has to do with the notion of sacrifice or "paying dues" - all the old entrenched beliefs from a worldview that says everything is slow, hard work. Mmmmph!

Recognition of the problem, for what its worth, doesn't really resolve anything. If it did, I would have sorted this one out a long, long time ago. No, finding my way beyond this has been the granting of permission for hot, fat tears to move. Breathing deeply into the burn and flow of congested sinuses with the trust that all this pent up energy in motion will move me in new directions. I'm trusting my body to sort out what my intellect can only recognize but hasn't been able to resolve.

Just who would I become if I were to allow "easy" into my life? Last year I invested in one of those "easy buttons" from Staples that says "That was easy!" and took it with me to workshops for comic relief and to remind us all as we worked through the tough stuff that it really could be easy. My son co-opted it and I hadn't seen it for awhile. This week, while rummaging around in his room he re-discovered it. Like all 5 year olds, his tolerance for repetition is staggering to the adults in his life and the chant of "That was easy!" has been filling our house. Coincidence? - I think not!!

So back to my question, if life were to become easy just who would I become? Someone without a built-in speed limiter! I would crack one of the codes that keeps me in check, binds me predictable outcomes and creates much of the start/stop havoc that I invite into my life.

I would need to give up even more of the beliefs I hold about not becoming "too big for my britches" and fitting in. Lets face it, there are lots of folks out there who aren't interested in hearing or seeing someone do "easy" when they are invested in the belief that hard work, sacrifice and martyrdom is the "way".

I would certainly need to trust myself in new ways as I would be entering uncharted territory in my personal experience. Trust is a big one here, or perhaps it will resonate for some as "faith". Whatever adjective I stick on it, it is the state of relaxation, of flow and of safety. And it is always an inside job. This is something that is tapped into, not taught. Its simply there to be accessed when we are ready and no amount of cajoling, demanding or persuading makes a stitch of difference until we are ready to open that door, of that I am convinced.

Funny, but its not difficult at all to make a shift like this - what is difficult is to rise above all the beliefs that say "its hard", "it takes a long time" etc!! Gosh, talk about a snake eating its tail! I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm shocked at my commitment to maintaining the status quo, even when I know its not working for me. Rather than trying to re-engineer the known, I have decided to have a look from above all that and simply wonder just what is possible if all those limitations didn't exist.

Between my musings, and relaxing into my 'body talk' of tears, congestion and no small measure of frustration - I think I may have cracked another door of possibility open in the past 2 days - "That was easy!" - At least it was once I let myself consider that it could be :)