Turning on a Dime

Its the wee hours and now that Baby S is fed and happily asleep, I find myself unable to slip back into my own reverie. Thoughts are swirling and old worries are slowly unfurling. How is it that by the light of day they are diminished but at night they become huge spectres?

Life turns on a dime is what I've been thinking about. I suppose that is part of its illusory quality. I've been staring down a few of my more frightening personal monsters, determined to win this round. Seems like there is a pattern here of sailing along feeling happy and content in my life - until I come to a corner. What's around that corner is any one's guess but the interruption in my happily established flow fills me with dread. What I'm in the process of discovering is that none of it is "real" and much of what fuels my fears hasn't even happened - except in the theatre of my mind. That theatre sure can be convincing as I can feel my body and thoughts responding as if this is indeed reality, when in fact, a whole range of possibility exists between now and what can occur in the future.

It is this vast range of possibility that has always appealed to me from the field of quantum physics. In that context, packets of energy are not really fixed in reality per se, but contain innumerable possible states to exist in. They become "real" once observed and respond to the expectations or hypothesis that the observer interacting with them brings to the event. Quantum physics doesn't just happen in a lab somewhere - it is part of our day to day existence. A fact I find comforting because it means that I am participating with my life rather than being at its mercy.

So what does that mean for me in this late night entry? That unless I make a choice to open myself to new possibilities, I will create exactly the "monster" I fear. Waking up tonight and realizing that I am once again allowing myself to fall into its grasp, I have an opportunity to notice just how easily I am seduced by this scenario to the exclusion of all others.

And you know what?! It always is grounded in one of several dogged beliefs that I seem to continue to tote around with me in spite of everything I have discovered so far, and they are that "I don't deserve easy, wonderful, - fill in the blank" and "I'm not good enough at - once again, fill in the blank". These two beliefs keep me dancing like a puppet- if I let them. As soon as they take root, I find myself immediately reacting and living as though I am at their mercy. Thankfully, it takes me less and less time to wake up and notice their presence and then to choose to do something about them.

Tonight, I am so aware of the pressure in my body that is urging me on to bigger writing projects. I feel like I'm still wavering at the starting line - largely because I want to know the outcome. I want to have the whole destination outlined for this particular journey. Dancing with my fears tonight has invited me to take a close look at what I want in life and what I'm actually doing to get there. Its not an even equation. As much as I might be dreaming, wishing, hoping - I'm not matching those with action.

A book will not magically appear on my computer hard drive simply because I've wished it into existence. A publisher isn't likely to appear without an invitation and something to read. And I will not put my beliefs about being good enough to rest unless I summon the courage to do it anyway.

Courage and persistence, even when the destination is unclear, are the evidence of creating with the universe. Creating in spite of ourselves, in spite of our fears and hang ups. I recall reading a section in one of my favourite Julia Cameron books that drove this point home. She was married to Martin Scorcesse early in his career and she recounted soem stories about dinner parties where some of the best and brightest film directors of today and who were just beginning their careers would sit around the dinner table, seeking each others advice, supporting each other when they were feeling very uncertain of their talent or the direction they were headed in their creative projects. Simply knowing that these great artists had doubts but did it anyway, gives me incredible hope and motivation.

Its time to get moving because life turns on a dime and believing that turn to be "good" or "bad" isn't all that useful for me. I'm focused instead on the fact that there is always another dime and those dimes belong to me- precious creative energy to spend as I wish.

So as many of us already have discovered when in this state - breathing IS good! Tonight I hope it will lead not just to some resolution in my body, but maybe a bit of snoring too.

Mirror, mirror....

Feeling full of confidence after being able to squeeze into some of my old jeans, I decided to pack up Baby S this morning and head to the mall in search of some new jeans. Gackkk! What the hell was I thinking!!!????

There I stood with 5 pairs of jeans littering the floor of the change room. I stared at my body in open mouthed horror! Like a train wreck - I just couldn't look away. No stretch marks - thank God! - but just when did I get so big? My tummy sags, my thighs are dimpled and fleshy -never mind my jiggly arms! I didn't have the courage to look at my butt.

I felt completely betrayed by this physical package. Not only does it NOT look like I thought it did, but it also has a mind of its own; it leaks and oozes, it getting cravings. My breasts aren't even my own anymore as a 3 week old baby raptor has laid claim to them :) ! It felt really hard to imagine any kind of magnificence in the spectre staring back at me from the mirror.

Perhaps this is another place where lowered standards could apply. After all, it has only been 3 weeks since I grew and then delivered a new little life into the world. At the same time, I'm aware that I have been looking blindly into mirrors for several years now, reluctant to face the truth of what has been looking back. I'm eating mindlessly, trying to garner energy to keep me moving through my topsy turvy days and nights. In my current state of adjustment to this new life, I find myself using food for consolation - "don't I deserve a treat?" - it doesn't require me to step away from my "duties" in order to indulge myself and fill up an empty space inside with food.

I think its time for a change and the change begins with today's reality check that has startled me out of my coma. No point to feeling at effect here any longer. I do the shopping and the cooking so at the most basic level, I'm in charge here. Part of staying connected to myself is to begin to take the time to care and nourish myself for the long term. Nourishing more than just my body is an important step. Just what do I need? Is it really food or could I be craving something else?

Halfway through writing this I scanned the WEL-Systems blogs and read Lori's recent entries. Thank you, Lori for sharing your journey on a Whole Healthy Me. I feel a lot of resonance with your thoughts.

Four pounds, forty, four hundred - does it really matter? Its not about the "thing" itself. It so happens that my personal journey has a destination of 40 pounds AND even more importantly, its about discovering the beliefs and attitudes that are cloaked in those pounds. Its about allowing the "self" that I can see to emerge from her camouflage so that the mirror begins to reflect "me" and not all the destructive habits of thought that have created the image that looks back at me today. I'll keep you posted :)

Low Standards

This is it! - I'm lowering my standards! I've promised myself that I will simply show up and write with whatever amount of time I have. Today that time is short indeed - even though I have lots to say.

Low standards won't be the worst thing. Maybe I can live with a messy house and a messy life - if only to carve out those precious few minutes that I can spend with myself.

Last night I fully understood what drives some women to hand off their kids and just get in the car and drive - very fast and very far away. Its not simply the mind-numbing fatigue of living your life in carefully measured 3 or 4 hour blocks - knowing that a precious and vulnerable little creature is depending on you to meet their every need.

Its not simply that in the span of those 3 or 4 hours, you invest 2 to 3 of them in being fully present to that infant. The remaining hour, if you are lucky, lets you shower or eat or go to the bathroom - or, if you are very fortunate, spend time with your other children or spouse.

What drives women to the point where they want to bolt - at least in my estimation- is that they can feel themselves slipping away. Its easy to begin to forget who you are in this cycle. Its easy to feel your dreams slip away, to forget what it is to do something small for yourself, to be able to shrug off the need to be the one who is responsible for responding to every cry and call when its all you have done for days on end.

All it takes is one hour, a bath, time to write, time to read or simply sit outside without needing to multi-task, desperately seek sleep or nutrition , or be at someone's beck and call. One hour when all you do is breathe and just be you. At least that is what I have discovered.

I love them all - and I love me too. That is why I'm lowering my standards - and tonight I'm happy just to write for 10 minutes in order to remember who I am ......

'angels' in the world

i'm back! no capitals today as its hard to type with a half asleep baby balanced on your knee but that's what circumstance requires :)

i'm back after nearly a month off from blogging and with a babe of 3 weeks as my muse and companion. we've been through quite a lot together so far so it only seems fitting that he be a part of today's re-entry to the public writing domain. I'll elaborate on his arrival and our adventures when a longer stretch of time permits.

today, i feel i have to comment on the 'angels in the world'. their appearance in my life reminds me that even when i'm not physically writing that i continue to create and that the universe responds with incredible splendour to my fatigued, half-baked thoughts and wishes.

it seems in the days following baby S'es arrival, i've been busily re-living my past. many of the things that haunted me from my last child's delivery and first year of life have reappeared in some form or another. this time they have much smaller teeth!

when it came time for my first child's entry into the world, i found myself anxious, terrified of my body, fearful of the entire process and completely exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i was busily expanding my businesses, having legal battles with old landlords, new landlords, municipal inspectors, fighting off competitors - in fact, i was fighting at every turn. i would nurse him with the speaker phone on attending to all the decisions that needed to made daily on the construction project that one business required. i'd cart off this babe merely weeks old to site meetings with designers and foremen. i've told the stories often but only now am i coming to fully appreciate what that all cost me as well as the untapped strength that i couldn't seem to recognize back then.

this time, i note that each of my former 'big' storms has reappeared in some guise as cloud flitting over a sunny sky. each time i step up to deal with it, i discover that i can creatively resolve the issue in no time flat. i have discovered that my capacity for moving through my life and its minor storms is indeed exponential. i'm also remembering old experiences and taking a moment to give myself credit for not just having survived - but having thrived.

this weeks 'storm' involved a call from an angel in government. yes- you read it correctly - i said government! apparently there were GST returns that were not filed for 2003 in either of my businesses. thankfully, my profession is one that is GST exempt so my returns are generally small amounts for products sold. the angel, called to inform me that i was about to be assessed on my full annual billings for those years (a significant amount!) if i didn't hurry up and file. she had noticed that my returns were generally very small and that no one up until her call, had contacted me about the arrears. she thought such a penalty seemed unfair and wanted to give me a chance to resolve the situation.

from past entries you may recall that finances, government and 'authority' are the perfect storm of triggers for me. after merely seconds of a cold sweat and with no signs of nausea, i was of fto find a solution. in the process, i reached out to a very supportive bookkeeper whose company i had really enjoyed in the past but had lost touch with. i wasn't successful in finding her so i left a message and soldiered on, surprisingly finding a solution in no time. by the time baby had awoken from his nap, everything was faxed filed and reported. no sweat- at least not as much as there might have been in days gone by. in fact - mere months ago, this would have likely lead to near paralysis because of my old hang ups.

the story doesn't end there, however. once i had resolved the situation, patted myself on the back for navigating some pretty tricky accounting reporting etc, i heard back from my bookkeeper acquaintance. since there was no business to attend to, we spent a lovely 45 minutes catching up over the phone. in that space of time i recalled why i liked her so much and i discovered all kinds of things that i didn't know before. i found myself on the receiving end of some wise advice about life and hung up the phone feeling completely uplifted and looking forward to a lunch date soon. as it turns out, she works several days a month in the community that we are moving to and we have decided to keep in touch with lunch dates once our move is complete. to say that i'm thrilled is an understatement - i feel ...... in flow - like everything is right in my world - which is why i thought today was a perfect re-entry to 'writing my world'.

i've been getting plenty of nudges to get back to it. several other angels have been at work in returning me to my writing passion- my childhood 'bestest girlfriend ever ' sent me a note and mentioned that she reads my blog. i had no idea and i was flattered and so inspired that it was hard to walk by the computer and not sit down to madly type for the past few days after receiving her email. my husband's aunt sent a note of encouragement re: writing and another aunt was lamenting the fact that her employer has restricted access to public sites so she is no longer able to access my blog from work. suddenly this didn't feel like such a lonely place any more!

my body has been giving progressively bigger nudges too. last week found me in bed with a raging temperature and a disco ball of broken glass and razor blades hanging in the space where my tonsils usually quietly go about their business. i was sent straight to bed by my doctor - woman with 5 children of her own and strong opinions about putting your feet up after giving birth. thankfully my mom was here and all i did was sleep and and feed baby S for 2 days ... and i squeezed in a few journal pages too. i know too much about my body-mind connection to ignore the fact that in the spaces between asleep and awake i could listen to my inner narrator continuing to weave words together into a yet untapped story. my sore throat felt like a whole lot of backed up creativity. as soon as i began writing a few sentences every few hours, i began to feel things ease. then i did what all patients do as soon as they feel better - i stopped.

yesterday, back at the doctor's and this time diagnosed with a throat ulcer- on the left side. my first thought was about all the things i have to say about becoming a mom again that have been seeking expression and instead are eating away at me and i resolved to return to my blog before i create any more dramatic reminders in the tissue of my body.

its worth noting that baby S is happily asleep - lulled by the tap of keys and the gentle rocking of my forearm as i type. i suppose he and i have been writing together since the beginning. lets hope just the sound will be enough next time or else my body may have something to say in the form of tendinitis!

its good to be back :)