Dirty Laundry

As far as repetitive thoughts go, I have one very athletic hamster tearing it up on the wheel inside my head! Around and around it goes having latched on to a single thought that it chews on frenetically. Lately its been humming away with thoughts of how futility of creating a book is at this stage of life. Heck, there are days when I'm so exhausted by the banter of a six year old and a babbling infant that I end up relying heavily on grunts and sign language to fill in the gaps as my brain gropes for words. Those evening stretches between 4 and 8 pm are like marathon charade games from the days of cavemen. Sometime around nine, my brain catches a second wind before flat lining as my head hits the pillow. Not a lot of time to invest in language arts!

Not so long ago, in the midst of the morning rush to get everyone out the door, I was aware of the nattering of my hamster on its wheel. It was only 8 a.m. and already I could tell I was headed for a day of "poor me" thinking that could reach Cinderella proportions. And then - BAM! Just like that - it hit me. It hit me right between the eyes! A big Rubbermaid container, that is. The big bucket of mitts came flying out of our over-stuffed front hall closet and sent me staggering. Talk about getting jolted out of habitual thoughts!

The pain was exquisite and it has taken nearly a week for the tenderness to dissipate but the jolt seems to knocked something free up there. Within minutes I realized that this is what I need to keep writing about - about my life. Because my life is probably a lot like your life is - or was -or will be. We all have nattering hamsters running in circles in our brains - okay, maybe we don't all see them that way, but I'm pretty sure you get my meaning. I'll also take a wild guess that we all get stuck in a groove that is hard to shake from time to time and that we all also fall prey to a case of the "poor me's" every now and then too.

Oh my gosh, I just realized that I've been overlooking a few other warnings prior to the mitten- bin-in -the- head incident. Chief among them was the very real infestation of squirrels in my attic this summer! Yup - there is the Universe sending a message loud and clear. Too bad I couldn't have 'got' it then and saved myself the bruised nose. Then again, thank goodness I'm paying attention now as the escalation might have involved some kind of crazed wild animal incident and rhinoplasty! ..... But I digress.

After this incident, I began to shift my thinking away from how impossible it all was to simply paying attention to what was right in front of me. My irritability reduced noticeably and then along came some fabulous friends and family members who said all the right stuff at the right times. With their encouragement and a final prod during a conversation with my friend Cathy today, I'm proud to say that I took action.

I printed out most of the bits and blurbs that I've been writing about for the past year or more. And guess what? I now have a 70,000 word document - nearly 13 chapters worth of unedited material. There is an entire book there, right under my nose. No wonder something had to smack me between the eyes!

I've been piling up words and thoughts the way sand collects in a river delta. Now that I have the raw materials amassed, I've decided that its time to take the next step forward. There will be a lot of sculpting as bits get taken away, other bits get added in and stuff is rearranged but I feel confident that its all right there. Taking this step forward means I have to let go of a few personal myths masquerading as beliefs. The biggest one is that I'm not "done".

From this new perspective, I'm noticing that there are a lot of similarities between writing and laundry - neither is EVER done. The moment you think you've finally gotten it all, there is one sock stuck at the bottom of the basket. Never mind the clothes you are wearing which, in a few short hours, will hit the basket again. I confess, every now and then my inner perfectionist rages out of control and teeters on the edge of enforcing a nudity policy in our home if only to have the brief satisfaction of knowing "Yes, now ALL the clothes are clean!". (It hasn't actually happened outside of my twisted imagination, so please don't call in the authorities!)

Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be DONE? Done emails, emptied the inbox on your desk, - you know what I'm talking about. That's living though, isn't it? Its messy. "Done" is arbitrary. Its one more thing that doesn't really exist and can actually become a convenient way to sabotage our art, be it the art of living or other creative ventures. We are never done anything until we are in the ground and even then, depending on what you believe, we are either busy decomposing or else we are off to our next adventure. So today, I'm declaring my "doneness" when it comes to this book project. And of course, done in this case simply means that I'm on to the next loop in the spiral of manifesting a completed book.

Although I intend to keep on blogging since it is my way to explore, laugh and grow, I'm also clear on my priority to move my book project forward. I'm not certain about the new paths creative energy will take in the coming months. Its quite possible blogging will take a back seat temporarily. I've given myself the next 4 to 6 months to hone and polish the material I have. It may take less time or perhaps more, I don't know. I do know that there will be a whole lot of living happening simultaneously - just like the continual accumulation of laundry, and blogging is where I like to air that laundry by letting it all hang out! I'll likely be seeing you soon :)