Something More

Where to begin in order to free the log jam of my thoughts these days? Its been an interesting week with lots of opportunities to reflect on where I am and where I'm going next. And while that flows in the background, I notice that over the course of the past week I've also invited a lot of situations that challenge my perception of who I am.



Last week I invited a bunch of Medium R's friends over to decorate gingerbread houses. They descended like a bunch of happy locusts - full of energy, gobbling up pizza, cookies, and candy with the amount of vigor one expects to accompany a gaggle of 6 year olds recently sprung from school. It was a great time for the kids. As the kids played and the Moms relaxed upstairs I found myself on the receiving end of a number of snide comments from one of them.



Now, I know that this woman is not particularly happy with her life right now. Her days are long and gruelling. Her family time is limited and her time for herself is even more scarce. I understand that intimately - AND I also know that even when we think we don't have choices about our life's circumstances (BTW - I think we always do) we can at least choose our attitude about them. Here was a perfect opportunity to relax and enjoy some time with her child and with women who have befriended her, and her choice was to be resentful and to remain that way even when offered the chance to see things from a different perspective.



The invitation for me has been to choose my company differently. I recall reading an interview with Maya Anglou once where she declared that she does not let negativity cross her threshold. There is something to be said for that. I believe that the wider context has to do with choosing to spend time in situations and with people who inspire and challenge us. For me, its women who are willing to have an open mind and be flexible in their perceptions. Its about spending time with women who aren't investing all their energy in being victims in their own lives and clinging to that constructed identity like a life raft. While I have a great deal of compassion for this woman and her situation, I'm clear that its not my job to rescue her to bear the brunt of her envy and resentment. Its my life - get your own.



Following quickly on the heels of that event was an encounter with our dental hygenist. At the beginning of the appointment we had our usual chit chat about what we were doing these days. As the appointment began and my mouth was filled with sharp little instruments, I was subjected to a tirade about how easy life is for stay at home Moms. She blamed everything from the lack of parking at the mall to a the plight of public education (in her opinion - under socialized and unprepared children from home filling the classrooms) on women who were at home with their kids. Of course, working moms like herself were noble and hard done by.



That was the longest appointment of my life! And when she was finished, I shared with her my perspective of mothering as a woman who worked up to 12 hours a day running her own business with an infant and now as a woman choosing to step off the career track and be at home. Again, I shared that the core of the issue, I believe, is in our choices. Not just a choice to be at home or not and all the social and economic things that stem from that - no, the most important choice is about our perception of ourselves in it all. I should have saved my minty breath because the only thing she resented more than stay at home moms was having her status as victim challenged.



My lessons continued but with a new twist. Last night I found a friend on my doorstep bearing gifts. I'm a recent addition to this group of friends and they have welcomed me with open arms. Our times together are infrequent but deeply authentic. These are women who unapologetically enjoy the finer things in life. They work hard and they play hard and they are endlessly curious. They aren't the type to ruminate on what doesn't work in their lives - they move forward to make things better. The contrast was hard to miss.



However, I found myself greeting my friend who was joyfully delivering gifts that were beyond generous from the three of them and I immediately felt myself spiral into a well worn habit of thought that chants the mantra of "I'm not worthy" and immediately compared my gifts to them, deciding that they were "not good enough". It took me a few minutes and a few deep breaths to realize that the invitation here was to accept myself the way my friends have accepted me. They clearly value my friendship, not for the material gifts they receive from me, but for who I am. It was a potent reminder to let myself out of the box and to celebrate who I am.



For years and years, modesty and humility were drilled into me, penetrating so deeply that I have had a hard time simply accepting who I am. I have repeatedly been disconcerted when I feel like I've been "discovered". I have gone to great lengths to blend in, homogenize and never challenge the status quo. From "teacher's pet" to "spoiled house wife" - I've tried to keep myself under wraps and out of the line of fire - mistakenly thinking that I could sufficiently cloak mySelf. All the while wanting to bust free from my self imposed limitations.



I can see that my declaration of my intention to make my life bigger and better has set some things in motion in my world. I have regained clarity and I am unwilling to either apologize for the life I have created so far or to slow my pace in creating what I want next because of the response it can call up in some women who are unhappy with their lot in life. To paraphrase Marianne Williamson, "being small serves no one". Whether or not I live up to my full potential will not make one iota of difference to those who are actively choosing not to live up to theirs. And maybe, just maybe, it will influence others to come out and play as they pursue their own potential.



Here is what is coming next - "Something More". An open circle for women who are looking for the elusive next thing in their lives and are committed to finding it and creating it. No one is there to "fix" anyone else. No one is their to air their grievences. We come together to celebrate our magnificence and to remind ourselves and each other of it. We are committed to exploring our potential in a place that celebrates and embraces our various talents, egging each other on to be bolder and brighter in our lives. We set our own pace and we chart our own course while bearing witness to each other's unique journey as a council of peers. For those who live far away, the internet is available to connect us with each other. For those close by, I am committed to creating a time and place with the help of other wonderful women in order for us to meet face to face. Can you think of a better way to step into 2008? I can't!