Alone Together

I wonder how many times I'll re-start this entry! Oh the pressure to get out all the stuff that has been brewing and bubbling. Although its just been a few weeks, I feel like I've packed enough living into them for it to have been a few months!

These past few weeks have really packed a punch. It seems as though I have conversation after conversation with friends and strangers alike that have left me feeling decidedly alone. Alone in the pursuit of my goals, alone in my interests, alone in my struggles and in my celebrations. Standing alone.

This is not some poor me rant - I want to make that clear for all of us here. There is a profound difference between alone and lonely. Alone means that the responsibility for my life rests squarely with me. Whether I'm living a life that is fulfilling or not, its up to me to take action and make it what I want. Alone means that there is no external pat on the back and by the same token, the critical comments made by others aren't mine to pick up and carry either. I know that I am often a target for envy as well as inspiration -aren't we all? And yet, it takes true commitment to myself to ensure that I don't live my life based on the expectations of others.

We women seemed to be deeply programmed to look over our shoulders, to tread lightly and to make sure that we are never alone. In fact, I think that woman to woman, we do more to enforce these rules and oppress ourselves and each other than any "man" or institution. The mantle of our culture is just so darn thick! The conversation and contemplation of alone evokes so much beyond the scope of words within me. I'm now talking of the ripples of fear, anger, sadness, loss, excitement, and unlimited potential that all combine and rumble through me offering the promise of shaking things to my very foundation.

Alone vs. lonely..... Its not so much an "either/or" situation as a continuum. A continuum I've been dancing along for a few weeks now, and it seems inextricably linked to what I sense emerging in my life.

What I have noticed is that I'm lonely when I'm holding myself back from grabbing what I want. I'm lonely when I'm shrinking down to fit into what I think might be more acceptable to someone else. I'm lonely when I fail to speak up and betray myself with silence. I'm lonely when my pride, stubbornness and commitment to the status quo get in the way of creating something that is deeply meaningful to me.

I'm lonely when I cut myself off from my essence, my authentic self, the incredible being that I know myself to be and that clamours to get out and find expression in the physical person that I am. Use whatever vocabulary you want to represent that aspect of yourself - the words don't matter, its that knowing feeling that rises up inside you that does.

This is a makeover of monumental proportions - let me tell you!

What it all boils down to, what it always boils down to, is allowing new aspects of myself to emerge. All of the past year and a bit has been devoted to both a real and a metaphorical conception, pregnancy and birth along with the nurturing of that "newness". And while my infant son is only beginning to express his independence and ability to move about in his world, I'm an old pro! I've become adept at seeing the familiar in a new light and it no longer startles me to discover my world tilted on its axis offering new perspectives on old things or illuminating entirely new elements that I have over looked.

Taking these first steps into my once again reinvented life, I know that there is no hand to hold and no map to consult. This is my adventure and I must do it alone. Just like you must live the adventure that is your life - alone. I'm looking forward to being alone together since our paths have already crossed here!

You see, alone does not have to mean lonely. My capacity to see, appreciate and celebrate the uniqueness of another person is directly proportional to my comfort and ability to stand alone in my own life. From this vantage point, there is plenty of room for you, for me and who ever else decides to drop by! The more the merrier!! We can be alone together. We can egg each other on to greater heights, we can celebrate and encourage, we can be deeply honest and at the end of the day, we accept the responsibility for our lives rests with each of us - alone. We don't need to fix anyone or to be fixed. We don't need to make space for anyone around the table, we simply step right up trusting that each of us can and will do so when it suits us.

I'm wildly excited about what this year has in store as I claim my "aloneness"! I've found a myriad of ways to move forward in crafting my life. Stay tuned for events in the Greater Toronto area and for you online junkies - check out the newly minted Women Gathering community created by Louise LeBrun as a place to be "alone together".