Moving Mountains

Ahh .. a few minutes to myself while Baby S sleeps in his swing and the dog sleeps on my foot - a sure sign that I've actually been still for longer than 5 minutes. I'm not even sure where to start today there are so many things in motion, but unlike many times in the past, I don't feel like I'm juggling a bunch of spinning plates, these days I feel like I'm riding the wind. Things are moving so fast and yet I'm still here physically, in my living room with a sleeping dog and a sleeping baby. And everything is different again.

I'm living a strange paradox these days. I'm joyful and content in my family life. I love the hum of Christmas and this year feels magical. Medium R is so excited! I'm relishing my energy and vitality which now that Baby S has arrived in the world and is sleeping well, is returning 10 fold. I almost ache with the amount of love I feel for the people in my life. My skin is a useless boundary for it and it spills over and splashes out everywhere and on everyone. Life is good and now I want more - not because I'm greedy but because I know its impossible for my life to ever get too big!

The paradox comes from the undercurrent of restlessness that I feel weaving its way through my quiet moments. It comes from the wanting of solitude and at the same time, a craving for magnificent company. What do I mean by that ... I suppose I miss the sense of community I once felt when I could regularly join in with other "WEL-women", my nick name for the women I have met along my journey through the programs I have taken as my route to self-discovery. Women who are exciting, inspirational, unwilling to settle in their lives. Women who are ready and willing to have raw conversations that make a difference in their life and in mine. Women who recognize and embrace the power of their existence and won't settle for anything less.

I have many wonderful women in my life here, but not many that are in a place where they are ready and willing to enter the deep end of the pool when it comes to conversations like I have grown accustomed to. Having tasted the potency of those simple, honest conversations, and the power they have to change lives, I find it hard to settle for anything else. Conversations that move things and that reveal things about ourselves in moments of mutual discovery.

After years of peeling back the layers for myself, I know the power of those moments and I know that way of moving through the world is not for everyone. However, I also know that many women have never been given the safety and space to expand into that way of expressing themselves and as a result, its difficult to reveal themselves fully. We are taught how to be so adept at camouflage in our own lives that we embrace our chameleon ways as who we are - someone who blends in rather than stands in full, blazing colour as a beacon.

I suppose that where this heaviness in my chest and burn in my belly is taking me - to the conclusion that its up to me to create what it is that I crave. Its up to me to make the spaces in my life larger in order to invite women into that safe and sacred place where we can start peeling back some of the layers and peeking beneath. A space where conversations happen that are outside of the usual rules about social engagement and become exciting and challenging. Places where we come together with a willingness to leave the familiar behind and chart a new course. A space where the facts that we are magnificent, powerful and whole is the de facto starting point rather than a wistful destination - because nothing can ever change until we acknowledge that and are willing to see it in ourselves as well as the others around us. Our lives may not always be a reflection of our those states but they remain true nonetheless.

I can stay awake in my life on my own but I know there is even more joy to be had by sharing the special connection that comes from being a part of something larger than one. With young children and a full family life to anchor me here for now, I am not currently able to seek that connection by going to Ottawa or the Maritimes, where many of my favourite playmates are. No, I feel its time for me to learn to create what I crave right here. As the old saying goes, I'll bring "the mountain to Mohammad".

And what does that mean? Its time to up my own game in life and become a whole lot more visible. Its time to become very clear about what I choose to create from intention right down to the nitty gritty details of who, when and where. Good thing I've got the energy to move mountains these days 'cause while I may not need it once I set things in motion, it may still come in handy while I bridge the gap between intention and creation!