Resentment: A Cinderella Story

Resentment - not a pretty word and certainly not one that women like to utter very often. And yet, I wonder how many of us live in a state of resentment and fail to notice. And believe me, dear readers, I've spent my fair share in this territory so I'm not here to preach but to share!

I toyed with calling this entry Cinderella-Syndrome as that is perhaps one of the best metaphors for the way many of us live. Socialized as the "nurturer", the "Keeper of Relationships", women seem to gravitate habitually into situations that require that they give more and more of themselves. There are plenty of studies and articles written that speak to the fact that working women have the equivalent of two full-time jobs. For women who stay at home, they have one long job that never seems to have a clear start/stop point. Add to that the burden of guilt about how little time women have with their children if they work outside of the home or, the sense of inferiority that is prevalent in women working in the home as their spouse generates income and they slowly fall off the social ladder and you have one very volatile mix.

So many of us simply take for granted that this is how it has to be. We have a belief that implies we must compromise ourselves somehow in order to care for the people in our lives. These people do not necessarily have to be children either. They might be clients, employees, friends or partners. The point is that we are so programmed for self-sacrifice that we have a hard time considering any other way to live. We simply smile, get on with it and hope that one day, our time will come.

Well, guess what - as days slide into months and years, the genius that we are gets buried under layer after layer of social conditioning. And whether we recognize it or not, resent begins to grow and fester. It either squirts out at in opportune times or gets so deeply buried inside our bodies that it begins to show up as disease and illness.

I can't tell you how many women I have treated in my years of Physiotherapy practice who expressed secret relief at having developed a condition that excused them from the obligations of work and family. Their bodies simply rebelled - screaming "enough" ! As long as they were ill or injured, they could live differently. The challenge that many faced was whether they could summon the courage to stick with a different lifestyle after the crisis. More than once, a woman has expressed regret that treatment was over and life was returning to "normal". They didn't know what it was to say "no" or to take time for themselves until their body revolted.

In my own case, I find the isolation of staying at home with my children has been my greatest invitation to notice how easily resentment begins to take root. I'm a very social creature with a pile of creativity to boot. I'm also a recovering all-or-nothing variety perfectionist!! So while I love my children, I know I must love myself first or what they end up with is a watered down version of "Mommy Dearest"!

Since the holidays I have spent time reflecting on how to create what I need in order to feel excited and inspired in my life. I re-visited my intentions and my priorities, noticing that many have changed while I wasn't paying attention. I have come to the conclusion that its time to change my mind - again - and re-orient my compass.

This is the gift of resentment - its the kick in the pants to take a good hard look at your life and then to actively choose how you are going to move ahead. Ignored, its a festering infection that becomes contagious. It is "poor me" monologues in your head or to the captive audience of friends and family. It is barely suppressed rage or tears or both. It is the burn in your belly, the seizing of your throat or the weight on your shoulders. And over time, it may become the disease in your body.

No one likes to admit that they are resentful - however, my discovery is that if you are willing to admit it to yourself, then you are in a position to choose to make it different. Its been said lots of places in this blog and in other places, that there are consequences attached to making changes - but what about the consequences attached to the choices we are living with?

Time to get off your knees Cinderella! Give yourself permission to make the changes that support your health and well-being. Grab your glass slippers and get moving, girlfriend! You will be amazed at the gifts resentment has to offer if used as a barometric measure of the quality of your life. And since none of us live in a bubble, our joy and zest for life become contagious to the other people in our lives.