Endings and Beginnings

My Grandmother is dying. How quickly we don't know as there has been the usual roller coaster of acceleration and deceleration that families ride when a loved one's light starts to flicker. It feels like a life time and for me, its been less than 24 hours.

Last night and this morning as I made my preparations to leave for the long drive home, I have been wondering if I will make it on time to say goodbye. In case I don't...Grandma - this one's for you.

As I write I can feel new life squirming in my belly, anxious to be born into this world and let its light shine. I know that you , too were once that vibrant and ready to burst into flower. Life wasn't easy for you as an orphan so early but you clearly made a great life out it anyway. I'm glad you found some of your siblings later in life. It must have meant so much to discover that they were alive and so also close by. Bittersweet, I imagine.

Most of all, Grandma, I want to thank you for all your gifts to me. Some make me smile like our mutual love of shoes and clothes! Others lie deeply in my heart, like the safe haven you provided just across the street. A place where, through most of my teens I found sanctuary. I know we began a new chapter after Grandpa died and we were both stumbling around in our grief. You filled a big hole in my heart at 13 when I felt anchorless and was filled with loss, lacking the words to describe the depth of emptiness I felt with Grandpa's passing. I'm glad we had all those hours of board games and soap operas.

Thank you for teaching me about sugar cookies, jello fruit salad, jam jams and clover leaf buns. Thank you for sharing what life was like for you as you cared for your ailing adoptive mother and tried to measure up to your mother-in-law's great expectations. I knew you best in those moments.

As the years have gone by and your senses have begun to fail I have watched your world begin to get smaller and smaller so that you could manage. At the same time, my world began to explode with sights and sounds that you had a hard time hearing and seeing. It has been difficult to fit my life into the spaces that we share these days because of this - and I have never stopped feeling love and loved, feeling like you are a very important part of my life. I only wish there had been more common ground to meet in.

As your light flickers, I want you to know that a new one is about to emerge on the scene. I will be sure to share the delights of sugar cookies, jam jams, and jello fruit salad with this child - along with the many more intangible things I learned at your knee about strength, patience, deep love and tolerance.

I love you, Grandma!