'angels' in the world

i'm back! no capitals today as its hard to type with a half asleep baby balanced on your knee but that's what circumstance requires :)

i'm back after nearly a month off from blogging and with a babe of 3 weeks as my muse and companion. we've been through quite a lot together so far so it only seems fitting that he be a part of today's re-entry to the public writing domain. I'll elaborate on his arrival and our adventures when a longer stretch of time permits.

today, i feel i have to comment on the 'angels in the world'. their appearance in my life reminds me that even when i'm not physically writing that i continue to create and that the universe responds with incredible splendour to my fatigued, half-baked thoughts and wishes.

it seems in the days following baby S'es arrival, i've been busily re-living my past. many of the things that haunted me from my last child's delivery and first year of life have reappeared in some form or another. this time they have much smaller teeth!

when it came time for my first child's entry into the world, i found myself anxious, terrified of my body, fearful of the entire process and completely exhausted - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i was busily expanding my businesses, having legal battles with old landlords, new landlords, municipal inspectors, fighting off competitors - in fact, i was fighting at every turn. i would nurse him with the speaker phone on attending to all the decisions that needed to made daily on the construction project that one business required. i'd cart off this babe merely weeks old to site meetings with designers and foremen. i've told the stories often but only now am i coming to fully appreciate what that all cost me as well as the untapped strength that i couldn't seem to recognize back then.

this time, i note that each of my former 'big' storms has reappeared in some guise as cloud flitting over a sunny sky. each time i step up to deal with it, i discover that i can creatively resolve the issue in no time flat. i have discovered that my capacity for moving through my life and its minor storms is indeed exponential. i'm also remembering old experiences and taking a moment to give myself credit for not just having survived - but having thrived.

this weeks 'storm' involved a call from an angel in government. yes- you read it correctly - i said government! apparently there were GST returns that were not filed for 2003 in either of my businesses. thankfully, my profession is one that is GST exempt so my returns are generally small amounts for products sold. the angel, called to inform me that i was about to be assessed on my full annual billings for those years (a significant amount!) if i didn't hurry up and file. she had noticed that my returns were generally very small and that no one up until her call, had contacted me about the arrears. she thought such a penalty seemed unfair and wanted to give me a chance to resolve the situation.

from past entries you may recall that finances, government and 'authority' are the perfect storm of triggers for me. after merely seconds of a cold sweat and with no signs of nausea, i was of fto find a solution. in the process, i reached out to a very supportive bookkeeper whose company i had really enjoyed in the past but had lost touch with. i wasn't successful in finding her so i left a message and soldiered on, surprisingly finding a solution in no time. by the time baby had awoken from his nap, everything was faxed filed and reported. no sweat- at least not as much as there might have been in days gone by. in fact - mere months ago, this would have likely lead to near paralysis because of my old hang ups.

the story doesn't end there, however. once i had resolved the situation, patted myself on the back for navigating some pretty tricky accounting reporting etc, i heard back from my bookkeeper acquaintance. since there was no business to attend to, we spent a lovely 45 minutes catching up over the phone. in that space of time i recalled why i liked her so much and i discovered all kinds of things that i didn't know before. i found myself on the receiving end of some wise advice about life and hung up the phone feeling completely uplifted and looking forward to a lunch date soon. as it turns out, she works several days a month in the community that we are moving to and we have decided to keep in touch with lunch dates once our move is complete. to say that i'm thrilled is an understatement - i feel ...... in flow - like everything is right in my world - which is why i thought today was a perfect re-entry to 'writing my world'.

i've been getting plenty of nudges to get back to it. several other angels have been at work in returning me to my writing passion- my childhood 'bestest girlfriend ever ' sent me a note and mentioned that she reads my blog. i had no idea and i was flattered and so inspired that it was hard to walk by the computer and not sit down to madly type for the past few days after receiving her email. my husband's aunt sent a note of encouragement re: writing and another aunt was lamenting the fact that her employer has restricted access to public sites so she is no longer able to access my blog from work. suddenly this didn't feel like such a lonely place any more!

my body has been giving progressively bigger nudges too. last week found me in bed with a raging temperature and a disco ball of broken glass and razor blades hanging in the space where my tonsils usually quietly go about their business. i was sent straight to bed by my doctor - woman with 5 children of her own and strong opinions about putting your feet up after giving birth. thankfully my mom was here and all i did was sleep and and feed baby S for 2 days ... and i squeezed in a few journal pages too. i know too much about my body-mind connection to ignore the fact that in the spaces between asleep and awake i could listen to my inner narrator continuing to weave words together into a yet untapped story. my sore throat felt like a whole lot of backed up creativity. as soon as i began writing a few sentences every few hours, i began to feel things ease. then i did what all patients do as soon as they feel better - i stopped.

yesterday, back at the doctor's and this time diagnosed with a throat ulcer- on the left side. my first thought was about all the things i have to say about becoming a mom again that have been seeking expression and instead are eating away at me and i resolved to return to my blog before i create any more dramatic reminders in the tissue of my body.

its worth noting that baby S is happily asleep - lulled by the tap of keys and the gentle rocking of my forearm as i type. i suppose he and i have been writing together since the beginning. lets hope just the sound will be enough next time or else my body may have something to say in the form of tendinitis!

its good to be back :)