Dancing Around

Today is one of those days when I can feel myself dancing around the issue of writing. Its not that I don't want to do it or even that I don't have any ideas. I want to and ideas are tumbling over one another today looking for expression. No, I think it has more to do with my habitual creative anorexia than anything else.

I have become so used to withholding the things I enjoy that its not until I catch myself mid-dance that I notice I'm dancing at all! I continue to wonder about what a deep and unconscious drive this is. I'm quite certain it has its roots in early religious learning where somewhere I acquired a belief that I should put the things I enjoy last until every other 'worthwhile' and 'useful' chore was complete. Only then, if I still had some energy left, could I be rewarded.

Perhaps it is rooted in old strategies. As the eldest in the family, I had a tendency to make sure everyone and everything was alright before indulging what I wanted to do. I don't have a clear recollection of being told this or anything, I think I simply figured out that life went smoother for all of us if I was a "good girl" and good girls were helpful girls. Factor in being a parent now and it ups the ante even further.

I know that I could spend considerable amounts of time and energy trying to unearth the "why" behind this behavior. That is time and energy that I wouldn't get back. Trust me, I know - I've invested plenty of both over the years trying to "figure it out". And I've discovered that I'm sneakier than I thought! That is just another form of procrastination and withholding. Nope! - instead, I'm am just going to adjust my step and make the dance one that suits me. A dance that suits the "me" I can become and not the "me" I used to be.

Its quite a different beat, that's for sure. Its actually quite effortless when I slip below my self-imposed radar and find the space and freedom to just enjoy something I love. Writing is one of those things that comes easily to me once I outsmart my inner tyrant and just let loose on the page. In fact, because its easy it bumps into one of my long held beliefs that anything I consider to be my "work" should be very hard and involve a great deal of struggle and sacrifice. (Geez - aren't I a lot of fun to be around!)

Thankfully, the part of me that still remembers its original rhythm lives on. Better than that, I have discovered that if I let it lead, I learn all kinds of interesting new steps. Old habits can die hard so I've decided to take a moment to list a few of the steps that I know I use in order to dance around getting my creative fix ..... see if they sound familiar:

• Writing long, involved emails to friends, family and anyone else I can think of


• Re-reading my horoscope on multiple websites to check for congruency....you can never be too prepared!


• Reading everyone else's blogs and lamenting that all the "good ideas" are already taken


• Feed the fish.....again


• Feed the dog....again


• Feed me...again


• Finding myself cleaning the sludge out of the crisper drawers in the refrigerator


• Actively seeking out laundry


• Re-arranging the display on my fireplace mantle

And the list goes on! Essentially, it is either things that give me a small, measured dose of creativity or that are downright yucky and punitive. Quite the dance, huh? Any of the steps familiar?

One of my big ah-ha moments about my strategies around creativity came to me while I was reading a book by SARK called "Making Your Creative Dreams Come True". In it she makes the link between perfectionism and procrastination. Ding! Ding! A part of me came to life with that simple realization of how many ways the two were linked in my own life. After all, why start something if its not going to be right? My emphasis was on product not process. Not satisfying in the least! Life in general and specifically writing, became one long to-do list, filled with rules and restraints. I decided that I didn't want to be bound like that anymore.

Like so many things, I now realize that it is not one choice - forever. (That is certainly the perfectionist's way of approaching it, don't you agree!) It is a moment to moment choice about the quality of my life and how much enjoyment I can tolerate in one shot! Funny thing is, when my choice is to enjoy the process, the end product becomes one that I feel good about.

I'm still dancing, but differently now that I chose to follow my own beat. I'll be on alert for the next time I slip into my old, familiar routine - knowing I can choose to shake it up!