Monkey Brain
Last night I was afflicted with "Monkey Brain". You know, that state when your body hits exhaustion and your brain just keeps on chattering away, swinging wildly through a maze of vine-like thought tendrils but never coming to rest. Somewhere around 4 am I managed to punt the monkey to the ground and get some rest. Although somewhat low on energy today after a night of monkey chasing, I am also thrilled to see the signs of restless creativity returning after a hiatus stretching just beyond my first trimester of pregnancy.
I was reading my favorite blogs last night and a line from Louise's entry on Jan 31st really struck me between the eyes. I had to chuckle at her metaphor of 'trying to push the baby out before its ready' as she spoke of the flat times between creative projects. I noted that as my belly swells with my internal creation, all evidence of external creativity has been flattening out.
Grabbing onto the next vine of thought, I realized that both of my pregnancies have been radically different - and that they needed to be. I learned so much about myself when I was expecting my son. I discovered a depth of energy, strength, courage and determination that I never suspected I had. I believe I learned those lessons well enough that they didn't require repeating.
This time round, I have discovered that my fear of being judged as lazy and useless when not in constant motion has not proved to be the case. I can't recall any time in my life until now when I did not base my value as a person on what I was accomplishing or contributing. Its been a real challenge to simply allow myself to "be" and know that I can still value myself. This is a lesson long in the works, with many metaphoric bumps and bruises to my socially indoctrinated "self" (AKA "The Good Girl/Wife/Mom/Business Woman"). This is a discovery I feel is truly coming full circle at this point. Not surprisingly, now that I "get it", my energy and stamina are returning, along with a renewed sense of Self - the essence of who I really am.
And then on to the next tendril of thought that seems to be entangled in all of this.....after reading Lori's blog last night, the final vestiges of grief for friendships in my past was swept away. Having recently met Lori at a writer's retreat, I have stood in awe of who she has chosen to become in her life. I value her authenticity and willingness to be seen and heard. Real women, real lives- that is what I value in my female friends. There is no cat and mouse games, no pursuit, no seduction with oblique meanings and partially with held information. They are simply present, open and honest. Who they are is defined not by what they have achieved, but by the transparent and often convoluted process of how they get there.
There was a time not so long ago, when I decided that a friendship I had once valued, had lost that authenticity, in fact, in retrospect, it was largely smoke and mirrors from its onset, with me doing all the mining for connection. When I stopped digging, pursuing, and running the gaunlet of ever changing boundaries, the "friendship" fizzled out. For some reason, I have really been grieving it in waves ever since.
As I write this, I realize that my list of amazing female and male friends continues to grow in my awareness and the pangs of sadness for a friendship that has ended as I ceased the game of pursuit, loosens it grip further. I am grateful for it while it lasted. I wonder what else in my life continues to hold me in its thrall long after it has ceased to be useful; long after I thought I had made the choice to move away from it?
And then finally, there was Anne's blog. Reading Anne's thoughts inspired my own about the incredible strength to be found in vulnerability and innocence. Anne is another recent acquaintance from the Writer's Retreat, Whispers Within (see the WEL-Systems link for more info). There is a softness with incredible strength of presence in her person and her writing. Her voice on the page captivates me. She brings me home to that place inside me that is filled with wonderment. A place where I, too, can see with new eyes. A place where innocence is rediscovered with the benefit of wisdom to accompany it.
Thank goodness it is morning and my brain can leap around this one during daylight hours! A word of tongue-in-cheek caution, reading these inspiring blogs by Anne, Lori and Louise is best done well before bedtime if you hope to avoid the onset of inspiration and a night time does of monkey brain!
I was reading my favorite blogs last night and a line from Louise's entry on Jan 31st really struck me between the eyes. I had to chuckle at her metaphor of 'trying to push the baby out before its ready' as she spoke of the flat times between creative projects. I noted that as my belly swells with my internal creation, all evidence of external creativity has been flattening out.
Grabbing onto the next vine of thought, I realized that both of my pregnancies have been radically different - and that they needed to be. I learned so much about myself when I was expecting my son. I discovered a depth of energy, strength, courage and determination that I never suspected I had. I believe I learned those lessons well enough that they didn't require repeating.
This time round, I have discovered that my fear of being judged as lazy and useless when not in constant motion has not proved to be the case. I can't recall any time in my life until now when I did not base my value as a person on what I was accomplishing or contributing. Its been a real challenge to simply allow myself to "be" and know that I can still value myself. This is a lesson long in the works, with many metaphoric bumps and bruises to my socially indoctrinated "self" (AKA "The Good Girl/Wife/Mom/Business Woman"). This is a discovery I feel is truly coming full circle at this point. Not surprisingly, now that I "get it", my energy and stamina are returning, along with a renewed sense of Self - the essence of who I really am.
And then on to the next tendril of thought that seems to be entangled in all of this.....after reading Lori's blog last night, the final vestiges of grief for friendships in my past was swept away. Having recently met Lori at a writer's retreat, I have stood in awe of who she has chosen to become in her life. I value her authenticity and willingness to be seen and heard. Real women, real lives- that is what I value in my female friends. There is no cat and mouse games, no pursuit, no seduction with oblique meanings and partially with held information. They are simply present, open and honest. Who they are is defined not by what they have achieved, but by the transparent and often convoluted process of how they get there.
There was a time not so long ago, when I decided that a friendship I had once valued, had lost that authenticity, in fact, in retrospect, it was largely smoke and mirrors from its onset, with me doing all the mining for connection. When I stopped digging, pursuing, and running the gaunlet of ever changing boundaries, the "friendship" fizzled out. For some reason, I have really been grieving it in waves ever since.
As I write this, I realize that my list of amazing female and male friends continues to grow in my awareness and the pangs of sadness for a friendship that has ended as I ceased the game of pursuit, loosens it grip further. I am grateful for it while it lasted. I wonder what else in my life continues to hold me in its thrall long after it has ceased to be useful; long after I thought I had made the choice to move away from it?
And then finally, there was Anne's blog. Reading Anne's thoughts inspired my own about the incredible strength to be found in vulnerability and innocence. Anne is another recent acquaintance from the Writer's Retreat, Whispers Within (see the WEL-Systems link for more info). There is a softness with incredible strength of presence in her person and her writing. Her voice on the page captivates me. She brings me home to that place inside me that is filled with wonderment. A place where I, too, can see with new eyes. A place where innocence is rediscovered with the benefit of wisdom to accompany it.
Thank goodness it is morning and my brain can leap around this one during daylight hours! A word of tongue-in-cheek caution, reading these inspiring blogs by Anne, Lori and Louise is best done well before bedtime if you hope to avoid the onset of inspiration and a night time does of monkey brain!
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