Joy Trumps Dread!
I had my first OB appointment yesterday. It was a mixed bag of absolute wonderment at the sound of the baby's heartbeat swishing with its own rhythm. A rhythm that is uniquely baby's even while its growing within my body! How miraculous is that?!
My joy was tempered with a sudden return of body image blahs as I listened to all the "rules" about how much weight I should be gaining. I recall with my last pregnancy, I finally made peace with my self-image demons for those nine glorious months. Although I grew to monumental proportions, within 3 months of my son's birth I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was never svelte to begin with but I still felt pretty good about my return to "normal". Although the scale said the same number, I know that not much of my anatomy was where I left it!
This time around, I'm really struggling with the many external mirrors society holds up. Before becoming pregnant, I was already wrestling with some of these old thoughts and they seem to have compounded as the weeks tick by.
I'm not obsessively weighing myself or being anything other than mindful about my nutrition and yet, when I catch a glimpse of my already rounder face, burgeoning belly and expanding lower body, I feel a wave of shame and grief. Knowing what I know, I stay with it, breathing deeply and simply allowing the wave to move through me. I can't say that I have any deeper insights available as of yet and I know they are surely on their way.
My joy was tempered with a sudden return of body image blahs as I listened to all the "rules" about how much weight I should be gaining. I recall with my last pregnancy, I finally made peace with my self-image demons for those nine glorious months. Although I grew to monumental proportions, within 3 months of my son's birth I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was never svelte to begin with but I still felt pretty good about my return to "normal". Although the scale said the same number, I know that not much of my anatomy was where I left it!
This time around, I'm really struggling with the many external mirrors society holds up. Before becoming pregnant, I was already wrestling with some of these old thoughts and they seem to have compounded as the weeks tick by.
I'm not obsessively weighing myself or being anything other than mindful about my nutrition and yet, when I catch a glimpse of my already rounder face, burgeoning belly and expanding lower body, I feel a wave of shame and grief. Knowing what I know, I stay with it, breathing deeply and simply allowing the wave to move through me. I can't say that I have any deeper insights available as of yet and I know they are surely on their way.
Certainly, its about something much deeper than a number on a scale or a reflection in a mirror. It has much more to do with how willing I am to value myself for who I am rather than who an external source says I "should" be. I get it intellectually and its not worth anything until the sensations attached to it roll on through. I'm not willing to wait for the past to resolve itself before I allow myself to live. Life is too precious and short!
This is another choice point. I can choose to treat these OB check ups with a mixture of excitement and dread knowing that the price to pay for hearing the glorious sound of my child's heartbeat is a moment of dread on the scale and the possibility of a well-intentioned "discussion" about my weight; however, I don't want to continue this life-long pattern of balancing joy with price tag.
My choice is to truly trust my body and its impulses in spite of what the external experts have to say. This is a challenge for me as it requires me to rise above media images, long-held beliefs about my body as something that is shameful, betraying me with its size and the medical opinion of a physician who I know cares deeply but is fully indoctrinated in his field. Yup, another big breath is in order here!
One of the greatest lessons of this pregnancy has been to trust myself. Never have I been so in tune with my body's needs as I have been these past few months. I know exactly when to rest and what my body will accept or reject when it comes to meals with undeniable signals.
This is another choice point. I can choose to treat these OB check ups with a mixture of excitement and dread knowing that the price to pay for hearing the glorious sound of my child's heartbeat is a moment of dread on the scale and the possibility of a well-intentioned "discussion" about my weight; however, I don't want to continue this life-long pattern of balancing joy with price tag.
My choice is to truly trust my body and its impulses in spite of what the external experts have to say. This is a challenge for me as it requires me to rise above media images, long-held beliefs about my body as something that is shameful, betraying me with its size and the medical opinion of a physician who I know cares deeply but is fully indoctrinated in his field. Yup, another big breath is in order here!
One of the greatest lessons of this pregnancy has been to trust myself. Never have I been so in tune with my body's needs as I have been these past few months. I know exactly when to rest and what my body will accept or reject when it comes to meals with undeniable signals.
As I bring this entry to a close a startling thought appears on the horizon; the miracle of nurturing a new life should never come with power robbing self-doubt. I am unwilling to forget who I am in this process.
1 comment:
This blog entry brought huge waves through my body. I remember gaining 100 lbs with my first pregnancy (after being overweight my whole life and just losing 80 lbs) and keeping it on for many, many years. Just around 40lbs with my second, and still carrying a lot of it. So already weight alone resonates with me deep within.
Add to it the doctors and my fire begins to flare up. For me I see a pregnant woman and I see sheer beauty, radiance and connectedness. And I know many others see this as well. I am angered at the culture we are in that makes us think this is not a good thing. I am angered that we are so conditioned by our perception of what society deems as attractive that we become worried about what our spouses think of us, especially during this miraculous time when there is life growing within us.
I think of my sister when she was 17, pregnant and struggling with an eating disorder, and people turning a blind eye to it. Complementing her in amazement on how little weight she gained. What the heck is up with that?
So I say listen to the rhythm of your own body and that of your baby… you know what is right in yourself.
Doctors… if there is no imminent danger to mother or baby, why bring up the "normal" weight gains? Truly, how many people are actually within your range?
Argh… still riding the wave. Surfs Up, thanks Anita.
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