The Sacred In Everyday

Since embarking on a career with more flexible time spent at home, I have discovered the biggest impact to be on our morning routines. In general, mornings were something I dreaded. They invariably ended up with everyone feeling stressed, frustrated and in a rush.My son, known for his capacity to dig in at the best of times, would take this to brand new heights the moment he felt rushed, leading to tantrums of startling proportions - for both of us!

Today I truly appreciated just how far we have come. My attention isn't scattered in a million different directions and I was able to sit with him spending a precious few minutes offering the extra cuddles and attention he needed today to launch him into his day. It certainly launched me in a great direction too! Its amazing how smoothly life goes when we have attention to spare and a willingness to be in the moment. I wish I had known how powerful this would prove to be on those many mornings when I flew around the house in a rush, creating an atmosphere where no one's needs could possibly be met. It would have likely made a difference. I don't think I was even remotely aware at how I was creating my reality and by extension, my son's.

Admittedly, I have the luxury of time given how I have chosen to re-create my life. I still think that for those of us who still feel harried and rushed, it may be worthwhile to consider just how we are creating the sense of chaos and frustration that accompanies some of our daily routines. Maybe a few minutes of cuddles isn't in the cards but certainly a sense of groundedness can be created with a few deep breaths. When we are present to ourselves, its a lot easier to be present for a child too.

I wonder just how many of those frustrating mornings would have changed course if I had been calm, if I had taken a moment to acknowledge my son and his need for a hug or a moment focused just on him.

I'm glad I got to figure it out now and could enjoy that sacred moment this morning before he is too old to snuggle with his mom!

In Living Colour

I LOVE spring!! I remember as a kid that spring was the season for new skipping ropes, fresh sidewalk chalk, new running shoes and the occasional umbrella/raincoat combo. Bikes were dusted off and their tires filled. We would ride like maniacs up and down our street, the streamers on our handles flying. We spent hours diverting the flow from one puddle to another.

Today with the sun shining, the temperature rising and the dog walked, I found myself craving any excuse to get out of the house. So I did what any self respecting girl would do - I went shopping!

Surrounded by every colour imaginable, I left the store with a tropical print bag adorned with sequins and funky wooden beaded handles. The other purchase that made my heart sing was a pair of apple green rain boots with watermelon pink lining. I wanted to skip through the aisles but managed to hold myself in check until I got out the door. I wasn't really fooling anyone though - the sales clerk knew how I felt by my 1000 Watt grin. Tomorrow my son and I are going to test them out in the deep puddles down at the park!

At home, admiring ..and yes ...modelling my purchases to raised eyebrows, I realized that these items, while a huge departure from my "normal" wardrobe actually represent completely the "me" that I have become. Fun, carefree and living in full colour!

Letting Go

Today I was finally inspired to take some action in getting our house ready to list in the real estate market in the next few weeks. I have been astonished at how difficult it has been to visualize myself in our new home. We have paid repeated visits to the model that looks just like the home we purchased and for a few days, the vision stays fresh only to slowly erode once we are back at "home".

I'm really exited about this move. It is everything I dreamed of and envisioned from layout to location. And so far, in my imagination we have been absent from it. I have to work very hard at imagining myself moving through the rooms and seeing our furniture in place and hearing our lives echo through the spaces. Perhaps because I sense that the difference between this environment and the next will be a quantum leap on many levels.

There will be a new baby in this home. My son will be entering the first grade in a new school. We will be making new friends and entertaining old ones in more comfort. My husband's commute to his office will drop from 1+ hours to less than 20 minutes . I will have the perfect spaces for my Physio/Coaching practice and my writing. I suppose it is hard to visualize all this because we truly are moving forward into a new expression of our lives and its clear that we have never traveled this part of our path before.

Today's events were cathartic in many ways as I cleaned out cabinets and drawers. I realized that with every "thing" that passed through my hands, I was letting go. Letting go of items that are long past their prime. Letting go of old intentions that I had to fix this or re-make that. Letting go of items but holding onto to wonderful memories and realizing that the things were not important or necessary; the warmth of the memories was not attached to the "thing" after all. It also gave me a chance to dust off the many things that I do cherish. To enjoy them and find a place where they weren't crowded, knowing that they would continue to be prominent in my life as it is unfolding.

The metaphor in all this is irresistible! The idea of letting go has been with me since I wrote my chapter in Sekhmet Rising. At that time I was letting go of a business and all the attendant labels that went with being a business owner and a Physiotherapist in order to discover and express a deeper, bigger part of me. My quest at that time, just one short year ago was essential to my identity and to my purpose for getting up everyday. Since the sale closed on March 24th, 2006, I have discovered just how much I like mySelf and how happy I am when my feet hit the floor every morning to be living my life, on my terms.

Letting go of my business and stepping back from my profession opened huge vistas of potential and possibility. One year later, I am witnessing the impact on my environment as a result of what was put in motion at higher order of magnitude - my identity and life purpose. It is unlikely that I would have had this pregnancy or discovered a new dream home without having first let go of the stress and limitation that were the hallmarks of my old lifestyle.

Now I am letting go of the things in my life that no longer fit who I have become. It just so happens that who I have become is a few sizes larger and now and quite advanced in a pregnancy so there are lots of clothing items that really fail to represent me these days! Not only that, I recognize that so much of the color and texture in my closet has very little to do with how I have been living for this past year. Time to let it go. Time to let go of books that were once helpful but no longer hold my interest. I hope they will open doors for the people who receive them next. Letting go of old supplements and vitamins that helped me cope with a life of constant stress and bad eating habits. The list goes on.

There have been moments in this process when I have felt the pangs of regret at money spent or my lack of follow through on some projects that started with a bang and then fizzled into obscurity. Speaking today with a friend from out east, I began to realize through her words that there are some things that may have been important and meaningful at some stages of our lives but that doesn't mean that they must remain that way. If they did, we would never be able to change or evolve. Touche!

And so it is with great pleasure and gratitude that I look at the garbage bags, recycling bags and donation boxes dotting the rooms throughout my home. I'm grateful for the purpose those items have served up to this point and I am looking forward to what is waiting to enter the space that has been created. At this moment, I believe with absolute certainty that this space has nothing to do with stuff and everything to do with potential and possibility. And that is worth more than anything to me!

Rantings of a Writer

I was asked this week if I would come to my son's Senior Kindergarten class for career day to talk about my career as .... GULP... a writer. Ignoring the clammy sweat beading my upper lip, I graciously said "sure" and headed home wondering, "Now why should this strike fear into my heart?!"

Certainly 5 and 6 year olds can be tough crowd. Mostly because they are so delightfully honest! If you are boring them - they let you know in no uncertain terms. But I think my trepidation comes from a deeper place than the potential rejection by 20 Kindergartners.

Am I a writer simply because I say I am? Is that enough? Is it enough that I practice my craft almost daily in either private or public domains? Is it enough that I have been published on the Internet and in one magazine? That I have written a chapter in a published book? Just when can I say that I have arrived?

"Am I enough?" is really what I'm asking.

This invitation has opened my eyes to yet another aspect of my life that I can reclaim for myself. It offers me the choice to live based on my own internal compass rather than seek validation through the eyes of anyone else. This is an inside job and no amount of validation from anywhere else will make a difference. If I believe in my self then...

I AM enough :)

I believe that being a "writer" has little to do with a label or assigned identity and more to do with expressing an essential aspect of myself. That expression finds its way into the world day after day as I practice my craft. I am so many things and yet the whole is still greater than the sum of my parts.

I am "writer" ..... hear (read?) me rant :)

Some Things Just Bear Repeating

I hit send on my WELsprings Newletter today with a a great sense of accomplishent. I also hit send on my taxes AND my professional registration today - talk about freeing up both mental and energetic real estate! My professional registration renewal was a big one as I had been wrestling with to continue in physiotherapy or not and since the verdict is in ( See Exploring New Worlds) it felt like the cherry on top of my day. It is a concrete step in the direction of my intention and reflects my committment to what I am creating in my life as the next chapter.

On that note, I wanted to share with you one of the most inspirational quotes that I have ever read. I keep it close and I included an excerpt in my newsletter. Here is a more complete version of the words written by Marianne Williamson in her book, " A Return to Love" and widely known from a speech made by Nelson Mandela:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Some things just bear repeating, don't you agree?

Band Aid Solutions

As they say in addictions, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Hello, my name is Anita and my son is addicted to band-aids.

I'm not sure how we got here really. There was a time when the feel of a band aid on his skin would drive him absolutely nuts. Perhaps I created the beginnings of this problem by purchasing the fancy Dora the Explorer band aids last summer in attempt to keep skinned knees and elbows reasonably clean at the cottage.

Fast forward to the events of late last week when running excitedly home from the mailbox with his Dad, my son tripped and fell on the crusty snow giving himself a minor abrasion on his chin. I was at work, but apparently hysterics prevailed and a good dose of cuddling as well as a well-placed band-aid did the trick and he quickly fell asleep.

Every morning since there has been an elaborate ritual of band aid replacement involving polysporin applied just so along with the largest band aid available from our box of assorted shapes and sizes. Forget the fact there is almost no visible evidence of a scrape - this is a ritual approaching religious solemnity!

Last night at bed time my distraught child came down with his prized band-aid dangling from one adhesive strip needing an emergency replacement - pronto! We are now at the point where the persistent application of band aid adhesive strips is causing more of a problem than the original injury. Being a responsible parent, I decided we needed to bring this to an end. Hah! No such luck!

After much negotiation, he was appeased with a large strip of airy gauze held in place in with surgical tape well away from the site of irritation caused by the original band aid fetish. He was thrilled! A huge white chunk of gauze is much more impressive. He reminded me of Alfalfa with a toothache on Little Rascals. He went to bed happy. I went to bed thinking I may have just created a monster! Sure enough, I was summoned to his room twice in the middle of the night to ensure his bandage was in its proper place.

This morning he woke with his new dressing falling off and ready to begin the morning ritual of band aid replacement when my husband remarked, "Well look at that! You're healed!!" Taking that at face value (helped along by the fact he isn't tall enough to see into our vanity mirrors) he happily headed downstairs while my husband and I exchanged looks of relief. I'm pretty sure we were both thinking, "How did we get off so easy?!" in the wake of last night's hysterics.

The moral of the story, I suppose I could dig deep, but in all honesty.... well there is none!... other than the fact that 5 year olds are persistent little critters and it helps to have a sense of humor when dealing with them!

Calm at the Centre of the Storm

I love lazy Saturday mornings. They are fertile grounds for wandering imaginations. As a testament to my growing inner peace, I can sit at my computer like the calm at the eye of a storm and feel like time has taken on a long languid sense as words meander onto my page. Never mind that the dog is barking, my son is careening all around the kitchen making frenzied car racing noises while Daniel Cook holds court on TV at a volume intended to be heard over all the din. In my tiny corner I can be part of it all and yet feel a spaciousness and a sense of calm that I can only imagine Buddhist monks and mothers of 5 year-olds can achieve.

My sense of calm well being is most certainly an inside job, just like any other state such as trust, safety, creativity. It has far more to do with my choice to stay present to what moves inside me and still be connected to the world at large. What a powerful discovery to make! Its my own internal weather system that makes the difference. Of course, I could have guessed at that based on past experiences.

I recall an expensive spa visit that pre-dated having children. I was stressed out and willing to pay handsomely to be pampered and soothed. I lay there among the blankets, gentle music piping into the darkened room. It was everything I expected from the tranquility depicted in the glossy brochure - and I was ready to bolt! My legs were perpetually tense, poised for flight. My brain was like a hamster on a wheel and I found myself flinching every time the attendant came near me. I was so far out of touch with my own inner self that no amount of dollars spent to create the illusion of relaxation could possibly work.

I see it time and again. We are are willing to go to great lengths to manipulate the world outside us - spa visits, shopping sprees, expensive vacations, decadent meals - all efforts to soothe our ragged souls and all falling seriously short of the mark. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a BIG fan of the above indulgences. I also know that no matter how much I manipulate the world outside me, its what goes on INSIDE me that determines my ultimate sense of contentment and well being in life. The rest is gravy.

Surprisingly the path to this nirvana doesn't require a 5 year old, or a crazed wheaten terrier or years of zen training - (although I suspect they might be catalysts in the process!). I believe that the first step is to simply STOP where you are. Stop running, stop looking, stop opening your wallet and allow your self to simply be - if only for a moment. Take a breath - a deep one, followed by another. As you breathe with awareness your body will begin to respond and each breathe brings you closer to that central place, deep within your self.

I'm not sure why so many friends and clients have expressed everything ranging from mild alarm to deep fear at the mere thought of encountering the deepest essence of themselves but I do know that every single one of them discovered that there was great beauty and comfort there. There was no deep, dark secret lurking. On the contrary, there was a quiet sense of peace and a welcome sense of homecoming.

If its been a while since they last experienced the simple depth of awareness of being present in their bodies, following a simple series of deep breaths, they might feel layers of sensation and emotion sliding away as they follow their breathing. Its not uncommon for us to have girded ourselves with layer after layer of old information/emotion. The relief of simply letting go and trusting ourselves again is immense, and always a delightful discovery!

Once the discovery has been made, you find it easier and easier to return to the simple joy of being. Knowing and trusting that you have everything you need, just a breath away, makes it easy for you to thrive in the centre of a storm - no matter what the situation. And that, my friends is priceless!

Now, I suppose I better deal with the spilled box of cereal my darlings are stomping around in! Breathing IS good!!

Exploring New Ground

I'm back and I'm feeling a bit rusty this morning. I haven't kept up my writing over the past 2 weeks and I can feel myself fumbling for the thread of my next thought. Who ever said writing was an endless flow was, in my estimation - full of hooey!

There are days when I don't immediately feel the flow, when there is no pathway to grand thoughts present. On those days, my keyboard becomes my machete, clearing a path, exploring new ground all with a sense of wonder at what might lie just beyond the next sentence. Life is like that - at least living a life that is focused on moving forward rather than following the same well-worn paths- is like that.

Writing is often a powerful metaphor for how I live. When I feel stagnant, having travelled the same comfortable series of well-worn thoughts through my morning page journal or my blog, I find my life becoming stagnant too. I find myself slipping into mindless routine, watching too much gory TV and simply going through the motions. Thankfully, my tolerance for living that way is pretty low and sooner or later, I will create a diversion. Sometimes its with my full awareness that I change course and in years past, I have realized that I created many of my diversions completely outside of my conscious awareness. Catastrophe and crisis were my preferred leverage for personal evolution. All very intelligent in retrospect. Not only did this way of moving through my life shake things up, it also proved to me time and time again that I am both creative and capable of navigating anything that comes my way.

These days I am much more attuned to how my life ebbs and flows. Recognizing the repetition that set in while on vacation was soothing, I also know that its time to begin exploring some new routes again to see what new discoveries lie off my comfortable path. Certainly, that is what this entry feels like.

My first tentative steps in new exploration began around 3 am on one of my final nights in Mexico. Usually being anywhere near an ocean opens all kinds of spaces for discovery for me. Just as I was beginning to despair that this may not happen with only a day and half to go, I fell into a restless sleep only to awaken in the wee hours with the gift of a fully formed intention, right down to the nitty gritty of details such as complete business plan, 2 well written marketing brochures, a clarity about clientele and a list of needed equipment - all carefully filed in my head. Noticeable in its absence was the litany of thoughts that had been circling my brain like a quiet, poisonous mantra over the past year, in which I had been tossing up excuses as to why I shouldn't follow this particular path.

I have decided to return to Physiotherapy - but on my own terms. My terms being that I will be carving my path through the lens of autopoiesis rather than the density of a therapy model worldview. It invites me to redefine "physiotherapy" for myself in much the same way that others are re-defining "leadership", and "parenting". The letters making up these words are a quick sketch, a linguistic short-hand for notions that are familiar and based on history - a shift into the future potential they hold requires new language and a means to recognize them not as stagnant concepts but as bright, shining orbs of possibility that emerge just because we are willing to step into them with a sense of discovery rather than following those old, well-worn paths and patterns of engagement.

At the moment, I feel slightly breathless as I ponder "how" to move from the past into the future...and then I realize as I write, that I have already taken a step ..and that is into the "now". Just for this moment I can acknowledge that there is more available by being willing to consider physiotherapy differently - its not how I define myself any longer - I'm much bigger than this particular identity. Just for this moment, I can recognize that the fear of expulsion, sanctions, being thought to be crazy or some kind of heretic by my colleagues has held me in its thrall for a long time ... and its just an illusion that seems to have completely faded from view. Just for this moment, I can claim the surety and confidence and ease with which this moves through my body, unobstructed. Just for this moment, I can claim my first tentative steps off a beaten path as I fumble my way into new thoughts and insights. And in these moment, I can claim the creative, pioneering essence of who I am when I choose to stand alone and shape my world.

This shift feels like tectonic plates that began to come apart a few years ago have reconfigured themselves and are merging together creating an entirely new landscape for exploration. I can't wait to see what lies ahead as I explore this rich new territory. I am creating a new blog to publicly share my fledgling insights on health, wellness, and redefining what it is to be human. I invite you to track my journey through my new blog called Body Talk With Anita Allen and to share it with your health care providers, friends and families. Its a big conversation!

Hello World!

Hello World! That pretty much sums up how I am feeling this morning in the wake of the tidal wave of snow and freezing rain that pummeled the GTA over the past 18 hours. This morning as I sit down to write, still damp and sweaty from scraping the many layers of snow and ice that built up on our driveway since the last time we cleared it, I feel the tingle of aliveness coursing through me.

Energy, blessed energy is returning ten-fold as this pregnancy marches on and I feel like I'm gulping it down and like its overflowing and spilling out the corners of my mouth, running down my chin like juicy watermelon! How marvelous to simply be alive, connected, moving!

I don't care that my house is falling down around my ears with dirty laundry and dishes seeming to multiply quicker that rabbits on 'Ecstasy'. How does a house fall into disarray so quickly...I have to rely on the theory of entropy in this case....all systems gradually decay into chaos. Why fight it?! Its natural, right? That is one of the only tidbits of theory that has stuck with me since high school physics class but its quite a useful one!

In my current mood, I can even over look my psycho dog, barking his fool head off as bits of sun warmed ice skitter across the skylights, landing with dramatic thumps on the back deck. All this continues in spite of his vigilance and attempts to control and manage what is beyond his reach. He has yet to learn this lesson and I feel grateful for the reminder his behaviour offers me - relax into it dude! Its only a bit of ice and now the sun is out. Enjoy it while it lasts! In fact, let me take a momentary break and put him outside with the falling ice so that he can appreciate what it is...and with any luck, some will hit him on the head and knock some sense into him. Nature wins every time!

Okay...I'm back. The barking more distant and while the door was open I was greeted with a symphony of birds and the beautiful counter point of dripping water from the ice cloaked trees and snow choked eves. Beauty everywhere!

I think I owe much of my euphoria today to having been in the company of some spectacular women last evening. In the midst of the storm that had people on the roads for more than 4 times the usual length of their commute, 150 women gathered for a great cause and to celebrate their Inner Diva. What a buzz!

As women, we are truly spectacular in our capacity to create, support, celebrate - and every now and then, we do it for ourselves too! I would love to see more women simply step up to the plate and celebrate their own lives and their own capacity to create and live fully. We are marvelous at honoring another under the banner of charity but we are lousy at allowing ourselves to be at the centre of our own lives. We are not puny! We are not victims! Because someone else is living large does not mean we need to shrink into the woodwork and wait for our own opportunity. Make your own opportunity and discover that you have new playmates!!

This observation has really hit home for me recently. I watch with wonder at the caliber of women I have recently been attracting into my life and can see how it is escalating. Just last week as I connected with 2 good friends, I was taken aback when the conversation turned to age and I suddenly remembered that these vibrant, irrepressible women are about 20+ years older than I am. Lust for life and a desire to make a difference in the world is what draws us together - age never factored in. Last night, I began to see how many women of my age are waking up and becoming huge forces in the world and I felt like I had more playmates than I ever expected to find. And I sure am ready to play again!

Like a bear waking up from winter hibernation...I am stretching out, hungry for new adventure (and peanut butter - come to think of it...). I wonder what awaits in the next few months.

I am ready to launch a Women and Power: Moving Forward From Here workshop in late April and as well as a new weekend experience called Finding Your North Star. I just can't wait to have new conversations with new women! There is always so much to discover about myself between the concept, creation and delivery that my own evolution takes off like a rocket and I love the energy of a group of women, awakened and ready to live differently.

Yes, life indeed is beautiful!

PS: I'll be away for the next week with notebook and pen in hand. Stay tuned for Mexican Musings upon my return :) The ocean does wonders for my creativity!