Observations - Part 1

Wow! A whole week has just flown by since I last posted. Amazing where time goes, isn't it?

Last week was about all things "baby"! I spent a big chunk of my writing time hanging around the lab in my Doctor's building being tested and then re-tested for gestational diabetes. The first test required about an hour of sitting in the lab between blood tests. The second, 2+ hours. I tried to use my time well by writing in my journal but found the space so cramped that I quickly gave up any hope of doing anything other than simply observing.

I began by taking in the space. Dirty, cramped, stale smelling with only the barest amount of natural light. I swear, every other person was bringing in a stool sample! Whether by the power of suggestion or through my keenly tuned sense of prenatal smell - I was certain this run on samples was not doing much to improve the aroma in the 5 x 10 waiting area that was already crowed and overflowing into the hallway. By the end of my first hour spent there, I felt ill even though I walked in feeling perfectly fine. Scanning my body, I noticed that my sense of illness was not so much physical as a heaviness in body and spirit. I felt like I was moving through thick, dense taffy that sucked at my limbs and left me feeling slow and very, very tired.

During my next 2+ hour stint, I decided to pay more careful attention to myself and to what was going on in the lab. I watched the many, many people who filed in and out of the space. Some looked very apprehensive as they clutched their requisitions tightly. Perhaps this test result was about to seriously alter the course of their lives. Others came in with a smile and a joke to share with anyone who would listen while they waited their turn to be checked in. After waiting with a number for upwards of 20 minutes sometimes, each and every person was greeted by a brusque, unsmiling receptionist who in a condescending tone, who set about interrogating each and every one of them in a manner that left all but a few stripped of their smiles and very clear that not only were they not in charge in this space, they had already somehow caused some offence by simply showing up.

I watched the light dim in those friendly faces, the jokes died by the time they had been checked in from that long line up and those with palpable agitation were nearly vibrating with dread or reciprocated aggression. What a sight to behold! An entire waiting room of irritable, annoyed or frightened "patients".

I bet anyone who works there, including the receptionist feels like their days are long and hard. I'm sure these are the same people who go home every night and complain about how miserable their work is and how awful the patients are that they have to deal with every day. I'm willing to bet that they either gripe about their salary or are asking for more because their work environment is so demanding. And in many respects, they would be right. Their work is hard, their interactions with patients and each other are demanding .... AND they created it all. All the money in the world won't make this situation different! And yet, how many people in other types of workplaces feel the same way? Perhaps a good look at how we interact with the world and what it reflects back to us is in order here before asking for the next raise or complaining about our co-workers and clients...but I digress.

I don't think I have ever observed this phenomenon for so long or so directly. The attitude of that one person infected an entire room others quickly and mercilessly. There are lots of people who would likely begin to enlist this as an example of "bad" energy and how you catch it from other people but that is not where I am heading here. For me, this is not about good or bad energy, this is about how deeply we move into our own comatose states.

For each of us patients, I wonder how many of us lost touch with our own sense of self when confronted by a pseudo authority figure? How many of us with barely suppressed rage, were surprised to discover the tinder inside us that was just waiting for the match to strike and give us permission to explode in public agitation? How many of us were so dissociated from our sense of hope or confidence that we accepted the external cues from this unpleasant environment to be "real" rather than what was going on inside of us? As much as we might like this to be all about an unhappy employee making our lives miserable - it really has much more to do with the response generated within each of us.

We can't change the other person. Its not our responsibility and our focus on them leads us away from the real gem in the experience, and that is what it tells us about ourselves. That is where true change occurs. We have the power to change our perception, to remove ourselves from a situation and to take any other action required to look after ourselves. And sometimes that is simply the act of observing, taking a deep breath and noticing our own responses. We can choose the old and familiar without pausing to realize that our irritation or fear has to do with something else entirely and has simply found a convenient outlet in this situation, taking the pressure off what we really need to deal with.

I don't feel like I need to fix that receptionist or give her a piece of my mind. I have no clue about what her life is like although I can guess that it is probably full of stress and struggle. I can only be thankful for the reminder she was to look within myself and know that I have a choice about how I want to be affected by someone else. Am I willing to give up my health, my peace of mind, my smile to someone else? The answer was her gift to me - "NO!"