The Woman In The Mirror

Who is the woman in the mirror? The metamorphosis of pregnancy is nothing short of amazing. Everyday something shifts and changes. And, well, ummmm -I think my ankles may have disappeared! My husband reassures me they are still there even though they are no longer part of my view from "up here'!

In truth, the woman in the mirror has been shifting for quite some time before pregnancy began to accelerate physical changes. In the past year I have been startled to discover that my hair has a natural wave in it. All my life I believed that I had fine, straight hair. I never considered that it might change, or even that I might be wrong. I've been going to the same stylist for a couple of years. A few haircuts ago, he used a diffuser to dry my hair and I looked like I had one of the perms I used to fork out all kinds of money for back in the 80's hey day of BIG hair! I was astonished. So was he - he assumed that I knew that my hair had some natural curl since he was always aware of it. Go figure!

Not long after that, I was purchasing some new make up. As the make up artist appraised me with a keen eye, she remarked on my "hazel" eyes and how much green there was in them. I thought she was nuts! "I have brown eyes", I stated coldly, thinking she was a loon. Wrong again! Looking in the mirror with her and actually seeing myself, I was flabbergasted to realize she was right. There is green in my eyes. They are not the true brown I had always assumed they were. Who is this impostor?! I felt like the world had tilted just a bit. Slightly dizzy, I made my purchase and wandered out of the store.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally decided that it was time to go and see my optometrist. I had been getting headaches, having trouble focusing and my contacts were driving me nuts. I figured my eyes must be getting worse. In fact, the opposite is true. My prescription has improved radically. In fact, its quite possible based on the trajectory of improvement that I won't need glasses within a year's time. There she is again - that chameleon woman!

I'm sure at this point my WEL-Systems buddies are chuckling! My quest over the past four years was to discover who I really was. Who is the "Me" that lives underneath all the masks, the rules, the old beliefs that were never mine to begin with but acquired along the way? Its no coincidence that the part of the body that corresponds to this question and carries so much information is around the eyes.

How amazing that as I discover mySelf -who I am at my core, that I discover all the things I have assumed about my appearance are actually subject to change. That what I have been seeing in the mirror is just an image constructed by habit. That when I look closely at my physical self, I have hair with a wave waiting to be set free, eyes with green flecks and likely won't be wearing glasses in another year.

Reading Lori's new blog, I've been really thinking about my own struggle with weight and my current fragile self-image as pregnancy progresses. I cannot actually recall any point in my life when I didn't look in the mirror and expect myself to be anything other than overweight. People have been telling me I was chubby since at least Grade 1, if not before. I started dieting when I was in Grade 4 or 5 and the cycle has continued. Even when I look at photos of when I was thin and athletic looking, I know that in my heart of hearts I was terrified of the moment when the weight would come back. I felt like a fraud. I was often desperate to not let anyone know that, deep down, I knew I would fail. Failure in the weight loss game is not something that can be hidden. Its right there for all to see. Oh the shame when all the positive compliments would fade. I was ashamed when I would receive them too. I "knew" I was a fat girl, in spite of current appearances. I had built a sure-fire trap for myself

In light of all this, I am realizing with incredible clarity, deep down in my very cells, that my habitual way of seeing myself has been the culprit all along. The woman in the mirror has changed in some fundamental ways. My habitual way of seeing myself got in the way of truly seeing who I have become. Its become impossible not to notice how what I once held as unchangeable has in fact changed significantly.

What happens when I begin to really see myself as future possibility rather than a reflection of all my past? What happens when I stop looking back all together and just focus on this moment, and the next, taking the steps into who I am becoming and not retracing the well-worn steps back to who I was? How free can I be if I discover how to stand alone here, unswayed by the opinions, real and imagined, of others? What do I see when I stop looking through the distorting lens of habit? I suspect there are many more surprises in store for the woman in my mirror! I'm looking forward to continuing to discover myself as the outside continues to become more and more I reflection of the real "me".

PS: Thanks for sharing your new blog, Lori!