Round & Round She Goes.....
I spent yesterday revelling in having the house to myself. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed simply putting everything in its place and restoring order. I was overwhelmed with gratitude at the simple things in my day. I was also very aware that much of my enjoyment stemmed from the fact that I know this is a temporary situation. In a few months the luxury of long stretches of time to myself will be replaced by days filled with adjusting to a new baby and getting ready to move. That will bring joy of a different sort. Today, feeling the comfort of clear spaces and obligations met, I am ready to sit back and enjoy my favorite blogs and catch up on my own.
I read Lucy's blog today and was struck by our parallel struggles about whether to paint or not. I've been back to my old habit of side stepping the urge to paint too. I understood her hesitation because she might be disappointed with the results in spite of the inner promptings that were pointing her to her paints and brushes.
In her words I recognized my own familiar dance with creativity and a desire for perfection and mastery. Underneath it all is fear. Fear of failing, of being judged, of being disappointed ... or god forbid, disappointing someone else! Perfectionist's paralysis sets in and then look out - all that pent up creative fire erupts in the most unproductive of places!
Whether it is painting or writing, my little dance goes on. Although, I must say that I am much more apt to catch it when it affects my writing.Things go south quite fast in other aspects of my life if I don't write something somewhere every 24 to 48 hours. Not writing is like holding my breath for too long. It tends to leave me agitated and disoriented. I become disconnected from mySelf.
In spite of all the things its offers me, I continue to demand more from my writing. It is another clue to a long buried belief that continues to be excavated. A belief that says that it is not enough to do something that is valuable to me and for me - it must be seen as valuable by some external mirror. And notice, that like a good girl, I did my housework yesterday - acckkkk!! I have to chuckle, 'cause its not like any one is paying me to blog and write in my journal and poke away at my book. In fact, I'm not even sure that anyone else cares to read my ramblings! What I am sure of is that it gives me great pleasure to create them - particularly in the public domain.
Hmmm .... perhaps I am more of an exhibitionist than I realized! There is certainly something to be said for writing in a forum where I know my inner conversations become public. It leverages my own growth in a way that not much else does. Funny though, I never realized that I had levels of security present in my disclosures until an incident that occurred this morning which left me in a real spin. I forgot my journal at Starbucks and discovered it was missing several hours later. I raced back imagining a bunch of snickering barristas hovering over it, making jokes. Or worse, other coffee shop patrons glancing warily in my direction when I came to claim it - gathering their children close to their sides as the crazy lady picked up her private thoughts that had laid bare for all to see. Of course none of that happened. My journal was sitting where I had left it, and I'm sure based on tacit coffee shop etiquette, it is unlikely that anyone even sat in that comfy chair, thinking that the journal owner had reserved the space and was due to return any moment. Be still, my racing heart!
Oh so much more to discover about the division between public thoughts and private thoughts, public and private conversations, about what is safe and what is dangerous for me in my disclosures, - about the paradox that is often my life. As I make my way through the maze of those discoveries, I know I move closer and closer to the truest expression of mySelf and 100% authenticity.
As usual, I have invited these discoveries into my awareness at a very timely point in my evolution. A friend/colleague has invited me to be a guest on her nationally aired health segment on a daytime show that apparently out ranks both Martha Stewart and the Gill Deacon Show in ratings. I am enchanted and terrified in equal measure. I know it is one of those things in life that I simply cannot pass up. In fact, in my own crazy way, I know that I'll do it - but can still feel the part of me that is lagging behind in getting on board with the process. Its the same part of me that feels the shame of judgement about my most private thoughts shared with my journal only. It is the same part of me that had been cringing for most of last week in anticipation of my OB appointment today and was proven correct at hearing that I had gained 4 pounds in 4 weeks - twice as much as I "should" based on OB guidelines - tsk, tsk.
And so folks, round and round she goes...where she'll stop - nobody knows! I think this is my cue to take a few more breaths and just paint!! Something is on the move inside me and it defies language at the moment.
I read Lucy's blog today and was struck by our parallel struggles about whether to paint or not. I've been back to my old habit of side stepping the urge to paint too. I understood her hesitation because she might be disappointed with the results in spite of the inner promptings that were pointing her to her paints and brushes.
In her words I recognized my own familiar dance with creativity and a desire for perfection and mastery. Underneath it all is fear. Fear of failing, of being judged, of being disappointed ... or god forbid, disappointing someone else! Perfectionist's paralysis sets in and then look out - all that pent up creative fire erupts in the most unproductive of places!
Whether it is painting or writing, my little dance goes on. Although, I must say that I am much more apt to catch it when it affects my writing.Things go south quite fast in other aspects of my life if I don't write something somewhere every 24 to 48 hours. Not writing is like holding my breath for too long. It tends to leave me agitated and disoriented. I become disconnected from mySelf.
In spite of all the things its offers me, I continue to demand more from my writing. It is another clue to a long buried belief that continues to be excavated. A belief that says that it is not enough to do something that is valuable to me and for me - it must be seen as valuable by some external mirror. And notice, that like a good girl, I did my housework yesterday - acckkkk!! I have to chuckle, 'cause its not like any one is paying me to blog and write in my journal and poke away at my book. In fact, I'm not even sure that anyone else cares to read my ramblings! What I am sure of is that it gives me great pleasure to create them - particularly in the public domain.
Hmmm .... perhaps I am more of an exhibitionist than I realized! There is certainly something to be said for writing in a forum where I know my inner conversations become public. It leverages my own growth in a way that not much else does. Funny though, I never realized that I had levels of security present in my disclosures until an incident that occurred this morning which left me in a real spin. I forgot my journal at Starbucks and discovered it was missing several hours later. I raced back imagining a bunch of snickering barristas hovering over it, making jokes. Or worse, other coffee shop patrons glancing warily in my direction when I came to claim it - gathering their children close to their sides as the crazy lady picked up her private thoughts that had laid bare for all to see. Of course none of that happened. My journal was sitting where I had left it, and I'm sure based on tacit coffee shop etiquette, it is unlikely that anyone even sat in that comfy chair, thinking that the journal owner had reserved the space and was due to return any moment. Be still, my racing heart!
Oh so much more to discover about the division between public thoughts and private thoughts, public and private conversations, about what is safe and what is dangerous for me in my disclosures, - about the paradox that is often my life. As I make my way through the maze of those discoveries, I know I move closer and closer to the truest expression of mySelf and 100% authenticity.
As usual, I have invited these discoveries into my awareness at a very timely point in my evolution. A friend/colleague has invited me to be a guest on her nationally aired health segment on a daytime show that apparently out ranks both Martha Stewart and the Gill Deacon Show in ratings. I am enchanted and terrified in equal measure. I know it is one of those things in life that I simply cannot pass up. In fact, in my own crazy way, I know that I'll do it - but can still feel the part of me that is lagging behind in getting on board with the process. Its the same part of me that feels the shame of judgement about my most private thoughts shared with my journal only. It is the same part of me that had been cringing for most of last week in anticipation of my OB appointment today and was proven correct at hearing that I had gained 4 pounds in 4 weeks - twice as much as I "should" based on OB guidelines - tsk, tsk.
And so folks, round and round she goes...where she'll stop - nobody knows! I think this is my cue to take a few more breaths and just paint!! Something is on the move inside me and it defies language at the moment.
1 comment:
I just wanted to let you know that I look forward to reading your blog everyday. I love your writing (both style and content.
Love B.
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