Honestly....

Yesterday my husband and I were exchanging jokes by email and he sent me an e-bay auction description written by a flustered mom who was selling some Pokeman cards her brood of kids had snuck into her grocery cart. It was funny! Her description of the events leading up to the auction and her life in general had me in stitches. And she has become an overnight internet sensation. People are asking her if she is a writer, when will her book come out, etc.

This is one of those times when I'm laughing on the outside and wincing on the inside. I suppose I might as well confess - I'm jealous of this woman that I don't even know! Its not pretty and it makes me sound petty - but its the honest truth. It seems that she has effortlessly created a buzz and struck a chord in her writing. I want that!

Then, while wallowing in self-pity, I received an email from a friend who tossed out a line about heading up north for a few days to complete a re-write of her book. Aughhh! I should just turn off my computer since I can't seem to play nice!! Its not that I don't celebrate their successes - its just that these are reminders of what I long for in my life.

As a result of my private green-eyed monster rearing its head, I had a restless night, tossing and turning, breasts aching and leaking (wouldn't you know that Baby S decides to sleep for longer stretches when I've got myself in a twist- it would be nice if my body got advanced notice!) My restlessness was compounded by a thunderstorm, my manic 45 pound dog seeking comfort by plopping his quivering behind on top of my head and my husband - blissfully snoring through it all. If I could have pried the dog off my head, I might have given hubby a jab, partly to end the snoring, and since I'm being honest here -partly to vent my frustrations. We always hurt the ones we love :) He really should thank the dog for saving him from the bitchy woman on the other side of the bed!

So where does this lead me? If I were Catholic, I guess I'd head to confession and get it over with but since my guilt is of the "recovering" Baptist variety, I have internalized it only to become unfit to live with. So here I am, confessing my angst to anyone willing to read - and breathing, well, more like snorting! And most cathartic of all, laughing at myself.

How ridiculous to think that there is only room for one writer out there! Imagine how limited our reading material would be. What would Chapters and Amazon do? And you know, this is exactly where my thinking is headed if I let it unravel itself to the end. Living in the poverty of my mind, I have somehow concluded that there is simply not enough success to go round.

The gift in it all is that I've gotten pretty clear and honest with myself about what I want. I want to write - AND be read. It has forced me to confess my ambition to myself and whoever has dropped in here to read. Making ambition public knowledge is another big albatross for me. Nice girls don't ask for what they want - they wait for an invitation. (I suppose nice girls don't consider jabbing their snoring husbands either - sigh....another illusion shattered).

Well, there it is folks, take it or leave it - I am

• no longer a practicing Baptist and I can still create a vortex of guilt when the right button gets pushed!
• capable of jealousy and stealth attacks on an innocently sleeping husband
• a writer with ambition to reach to more and more people

PS: Here is the link to the words of that wonderfully witty Mom who listed her kids Pokeman cards on E-Bay. She deserves to have this read and appreciated!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675