The Parent Trap - revised

After first posting this piece I felt like it was incomplete somehow. In fact, I was so restless that I spent a few hours in the middle of the night seeking clarity on the things that felt unfinished and unsaid. There is a lot to be explored in this topic and I feel as though I've just scratched the surface. I'm done with this post for now but I know the conversation will continue. To each of you who contacted me, many thanks! Your feedback keeps me going :)

This has been a stellar weekend so far. Its cool and rainy outside and inside, I am wrapped in the warmth of my family. Medium R officially turns 6 tomorrow. I remember the progression of this night 6 years ago but without the detail that I expected. The memories have already taken on a patina. The rough edges of a long labour have softened. The combination of terror and exhilaration at giving birth to my first child is now eclipsed my sense of amazement at who he is becoming. Baby S is not one to be outdone and he is quickly pushing his limits, seeming to have moved from newborn to active infant in the span of the fastest three months that I have lived!

Tonight I can ignore the fact that going to the grocery store was my 30 minutes of "alone" time AND that I enjoyed it! I can get over the my ignorance as to what movies have been block busters this season - heck! this YEAR! I can see beyond the sea of toys, hot wheels and dirty dishes that litter what used to be the most sophisticated room in my home. When I step on yet another painful bit of Lego camouflaged in the carpet - I can grin and bear it. What I'm getting at is that my life barely resembles what it used to. Its messy, loud and chaotic much of the time with very little time for my personal pursuits - and yet its great - because I chose it wholeheartedly.

Its at these times, when the smell of apple crisp wafts through every room and the boys, even the dog, are freshly bathed that my contentment knows no bounds. Its in these moments that I know that I made the right choices for me. What a relief!

I've been reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I could really identify with the author's struggle to come to terms with her life. Her eventual discovery that she did not want the "dream" of nice house, marriage and children reflects the struggle that many women have when it comes to deciding what is right for them. Waking up one day, she told herself the "truth" and left behind a marriage and lifestyle that was costing her health and happiness. Sometimes what is the right path is one that leads you away from what is expected by everyone else in your life.

There have been many times in my life when I really wondered if I was on the right track. Making decisions that had a lot of heart but were hard to support intellectually or even explain, I kept forging ahead and doing my best to have faith in myself. One thing that I was sure about was my desire to be a Mom. I just wasn't sure how it was going to fit into my life.

I remember someone once telling me that if I waited to have children until I was "ready" that I'd never get around to it. I think that what she meant was that it was okay to be imperfect as a parent. I felt half-baked at the time, having more questions than answers in my life. I knew I still had a lot of growing to do. I felt like I needed to be perfectly together -whatever that means, before having kids. Since then, I have realized that there really isn't any end point to my own growth. There was no secret "level" that I needed to get to in order to be ready. My kids have been a key to my emerging self. I'm growing along with them.

How else would I have discovered that my nearly 6 year old can drive better that I can? he can barely reach the pedals and has to peer through the steering wheel but he is clearly the better driver- at least when it comes to "Need For Speed" on the computer. After he whoops my ass he consoles me with , "Its okay Mommy, you only crashed 7 times. That's a LOT better than last time!" I also discovered that my inner drama queen lives on and will come out to joust from time to time. I am learning how to play again and I can't believe that I forgot. Yes,it is in these moments I'm really grateful that my kids have taken me on as their student.

In spite of my trepidation at becoming a parent, I always knew that I wanted to have children. I was absolutely crushed to discover that after all those years of trying NOT to get pregnant, when the time came to conceive it seemed as though I couldn't. I could and likely will write pages and pages on my journey through "infertility" - just not today.

Today I would rather talk about the Parent Trap. The societal belief system that presumes we should all want to bring children into the world. There are all kinds of reasons that people have children and many of them are quite misguided in my opinion. Having a child for a specific purpose other than honouring the miracle that they are, is irresponsible. Children do not save a marriage - they become another hostage in a hopeless situation. They are not pawns to live out your fantasies, to be used to live vicariously through. They are not chattel.

Far too many people have their ambivalence tip toward having children simply because by tacit agreement all women in their child bearing years "should" be settling down and having families. If they aren't then they suffer judgements about their ambition and priorities in life. I know that on more than one occasion as I struggled silently with infertility, people would take it upon themselves to politely upbraid me about my priorities in life. Perhaps I should be less ambitious in my career. Maybe I should work less and give up being a business woman. Little did they understand that my work and business were my outlets for much of my grief and longing. The list of "helpful" suggestions, was long and hurtful even if it was well intentioned. It gave me incredible insight into how you can be treated when you are perceived to be stepping out of the pack when it comes to having children.

I am blessed to know a number of fabulous women at a variety of ages who have made the conscious choice to not have children. Their fertility isn't the issue. No, they made a very clear choice in spite of the pressures that be. They were able to hold tight to the vision of who they are and who they could become - and a mother was not a part of that identity. I applaud them!

There is no substitute to being completely clear within yourself about who you are and who you want to become when it comes to crafting your life. That clarity and commitment to yourself will guide you through the quagmire of to be or not to be a parent and all the stuff that will inevitably arise no matter what your choice. If you are ambivalent and sitting on the fence, you should know that just like any other choice in life, there are consequences on both sides of the equation.

Your capacity to survive and thrive once you decide has a lot to do with how clear you are about yourself so that you own your choice. Don't sell yourself out based on public opinion. And please don't hedge your bets about whether you will be alone in old age - having children doesn't guarantee companionship and care taking into your golden years.

Not making a choice ... is still a choice! Sorry to point it out but I would be doing my job if I didn't tell it to you straight. Nothing wrong with that. Its okay to wait for clarity but don't fool yourself into thinking you can avoid a decision forever. Who wants to wake up one day and realize that their life is what it is by default?

If you are about to embark on the stage of life where the question of having children is becoming more insistent, avoiding the parent trap is only possible by knowing yourself first. You don't have to know yourself perfectly or even feel like you have mastered this thing called life. You simply have to allow yourself the opportunity to become still and quiet so that you can hear and feel what you want...what you really, really, really want. You already know the answer - I believe that. Just be honest with yourself. If you are questioning yourself, take a moment to decide is it your voice that you hear or is it the clamour of someone else's beliefs and opinions? Is it your Mom's desire to be a Grandmother? Is it your friends who are changing lifestyles based on the choices that they have made? Is it your partner's dream but not yours - or vice versa?

Don't unwittingly fall into the Parent Trap - becoming 'trapped' in beliefs that aren't a reflection of what you want. Parenting has a lot of tough, exhausting, challenging, heart breaking moments. It is also a wonderful beyond words - if it is what you choose. If its not what you want then I can only imagine that it would feel like a trap.

Because I Said So!

I often wonder if I inherited a melancholy gene, or perhaps it is my lineage as 50% Irish that lends me that sense of continually turning things over in my mind. As I think about it, melancholy isn't really the word I'm looking for since it implies sadness and that is not my natural state of mind.

There was a time when the bits of memory, some of them painful, would live in my body, and a memory would surface when a sensory cue would come along - usually something unexpected like a smell or a few notes of a song, and transport me to another time and place in my life. Many memories were a slow accumulation of granules and things with sharp edges. Things I was continually trying to avoid bumping into. Things my physical body actually learned to encapsulate and bend and weave around so that tissue actually conformed itself into different shapes. As a Physiotherapist by training, I will tell you unequivocally that this has been my personal and professional experience for 15+ years, as extraordinary as it sounds - but exploration of that notion belongs elsewhere for the moment.

Over time these bits of personal memory have become more like pearls. Their rough edges smoothed out and polished to a soft sheen. There smoothness having less to do with repeated handling and more to do with simply allowing them to find their place and integrate into my life's experience.

I'm not sure what word I would chose to describe my desire and deep pleasure at being willing and able to dive deep under the surface of my life. In this world below the surface I see patterns repeating. Some with great beauty and intricacy and some others....well, they are more like the fun house mazes I remember at the fair!

There is something magical to me about this other dimension. It seems that its in this space that I learn all kinds of things about myself. In fact, I don't take myself too seriously here because it is as though I am a patient parent when I observe the events of my life from this perspective. I watch my fumbles and foibles, my "serious" events, along with those random weird things that happen in life with compassion and amusement. I see the bigger picture. The me that watches "me" just feels so much larger than all of the stuff that gets played out on the surface. If I listen closely, I give myself great advice!

I remember a conversation a while back where someone asked me why I thought everything must "mean" something more. I really didn't have an answer at the time, just a sense of "rightness" (and I was probably more than a little self-righteous too!). I didn't worry too much about it but it was one of those nagging questions that become like a pearl and over the past few days I think I may have discovered the "why".

Why? Because I said so! I get to assign meaning in my life and that is what makes life fun and instructive and interesting for me. Its my decision to make - how amazingly marvelous!

I think everything "means" something because that is what gives my life meaning. A bit convoluted but let me try to explain. I am not content with the status quo. I am a life long student who is quickly running out of teachers and mentor's "out there" that interest me (not to discount the many people who inspire me). The older I get the more "unteachable" I become! That is if I think of teaching as a follow the leader, follow the rules type of experience - I will not relinquish my autonomy on this front. Lately, I've become very aware that by looking beyond the veil of my ordinary life, there are a myriad of lessons just waiting - if I tutor myself.

This is leadership in my life. I am responsible for driving my own evolution and I don't presume that it is this way for everyone. I do not, however, believe that I am universally unique. I'm sure there are other folks who do the same and still others who are, like I was not too long ago, on the path to realizing that you can be your own best mentor and teacher. You are likely much more wise and together than you ever realized if you stop and listen. If you were to trust that those things with ragged edges are on their way to becoming pearls that slip easily into your experience and don't need to be pulled away from.

I don't want to imply that I have a problem with anyone who chooses not to dig deep in their lives or sift for meaning the way I do. I am a miner ( I prefer that to gold-digger!). I enjoy bringing bits of treasure to the surface. I love finding a nugget of wisdom that looks like an ordinary rock, one we trip over and pay no attention to other that to mumble "stupid rock". I find great joy in polishing that rock and finding something of value hidden in plain sight. Its not by accident that when I sat down to reinvent my blog, my inner voice very quickly tossed out the title "Mother Lode" - as if it had been waiting to be asked all along. I'm glad that I listened!

What a "Lode".....

A few days back I was surfing some random blogs when I came across an interesting post written by a guy about women and leadership. This piqued my interest so I gave it a quick read. I had just read a few other notes in the WEL-Systems blog ring about duality and paradox and so in that frame of mind I read a line that went something like this......"the unspoken truth about women and empowerment is that men are expected to fill in the void left behind as women step forward and men aren't willing to do that". Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find his blog to make sure these are his exact words-but it is the essence of what he had to say as he tried to sort out for himself where he stood on the issue.

I found myself wondering what it would be like if leadership didn't require "followers". And who says someone has to trail behind simply because someone else has stepped in their own life? He laid it out as a real "either/or" situation but couldn't it just as easily be both?! Imagine how life would be if we weren't worrying about where we were in the race and simply used our leadership skills to lead our own lives, making the most of our own potential .... and in the process of not continually looking over our shoulder or amassing piles of "subordinates" we could made room for each other to simply take ownership/leadership of our lives? What would the world look like?

Imagine this on a global scale...would the US be fighting its bloody war and dragging us all along for the ride or would it be tending to its own people such as the residents of New Orleans that continue to live in appalling conditions 2 years after Katrina? Aren't they residents of one of the world's wealthiest countries? How about the numbers of working poor in our countries? I mean the list is nearly endless.

The point is, there needn't be a vacuum to fill simply because we choose to exercise leadership - unless we need that leadership to recognized and acknowledged by someone else in order to believe it to be true. That's our old way of considering leadership and to borrow a Dr. Phil-ism "How's that workin' fer ya?"! Leadership is an "inside" job ..... its a state of mind, a state of "being" and as soon as we embrace that as a possibility, a veritable tidal wave of possibility rushes in.

Leadership like this leaves room for everyone. If I am taking full responsibility for creating my life, making the most of my talents, taking on opportunities to learn and grow - then I can stand comfortably within my own circle of influence and it doesn't need to impede yours. In fact, I may notice yours and be inspired or seek out your support but I will never need to fear that there isn't enough power to go around ... my power is mine, your is yours and once in a while, we'll over lap and create something bigger and when we are done - we'll move on.

Imagine this within a marriage, a friendship, a business relationship, nation-wide, ... internationally....what would our world look like? And it all begins within you and within me. Hmmm....now that's something to consider, don't you think?

I have never attended any of Louise's Women and Leadership experience's but I sense this may be a part of those conversations - and there is likely more.

For the men out there, who fear that they may have to be subservient to women who are taking back their "power" I simply have to say that those women never truly gave it away. They can't give you their power and you can't own it and the reverse is true as well. No one can take anyone's power if you believe it to be the essence of who they are. Power is personal and its up to each of us as individual humans to exercise it or not. Like leadership, power deserves to be redefined as something we are, an inherent state of being - not as something done to each other.

To continue to think of leadership and power as an either/or situation is getting us absolutely nowhere except deeper into the muck .... and that's why I think its a "lode"! Under the surface there is lots of potential waiting to be discovered by exploring what we presume about voids and who fills them, by examining the meaning we have historically attached to these concepts to see if it continues to be valid, by considering that this is a conversation (spoken or unspoken) that is beginning among men who, perhaps for the first time in generations, are trying to determine who they can become as the women around them wake up and step into their own personal power.

This one is worth mining in my opinion!

Top 10 Report Card

Here we are, one week since my Top 10 List and here is what I have discovered:

Having even just 5 things to commit to for the week, especially a week as busy as this one was plain old over-achieving for me at this stage of life! At least I've come to this conclusion with a healthy dose of humor.

I did make progress on all fronts. My teeth and gums are looking squeaky clean with a little extra flossing TLC - even if it wasn't daily. My skin feels refreshed with the simple addition of a bit of under eye goop. I went further than simply cleaning off the cross trainer, I got on it for 30 minutes and actually worked up a sweat. I did it once and was able to remember that exercise does feel good - the hard part is just getting myself to carve out the time to make it a priority.

I ate, ate, ate. Medium R's birthday extravaganza brought all kinds of yummy food into our home and what I noticed is how easy it is for me to overeat when I'm tired - which these days is almost always!

I wrote just a few times this week and they were powerful days filled with insights. I discovered that my output of rough draft in a writing session has a word count close to that of a half a chapter. It might be very rough, but its there effortlessly. This both surprised and thrilled me.

Just a bit of consistent effort on the things that matter to me added up to some great results. I didn't need to be perfect or adhere to a tough to-do list. I just become mindful and the magic happened. Even more wonderful - I could forgive my imperfection and just enjoy the results of my efforts. With that mind set, its a lot easier to look ahead to this week and make the minor adjustments that will give me more of what I want.

I know that I need more sleep to help me manage my diet so I plan to grab a nap at some point during the day instead of trying to squeeze in a bit of laundry and cleaning - it will still be there when I wake up! Drat! After some experimentation, I know what time works best in Baby S'es schedule for me to get on the cross-trainer. Heading to bed even 1o minutes earlier, before I'm nearly comatose, will ensure that I have the energy to devote to the bit of self care that makes me feel good about myself. And all this adds up to an increase in creative juice - which to me is that elixir of good living!

Believing Mirrors

No - this isn't about believing what I see reflected back in a physical mirror - although I could probably create an entire entry about how the person looking back at me is shockingly unfamiliar. In fact I think I have! So I'll save those thoughts for the moment.

I'm not sure where I first heard the term "believing mirror" but the concept instantly took root in me. For me, it has come to mean seeing myself reflected back another person who is willing to cheerlead as well as point out the inconsistencies in what I say and what I do with a curiosity that lacks judgment.

Believing mirrors have been those friends and mentors over the years who took a moment to make sure they reflected back to me what I was putting out there. Sometimes we just can't easily see and/or claim our own magnificence and notice when we hold ourselves back. Sometimes that reflection feels like a warm glow and sometimes it feels like an ass-kickin' - but it always comes with a sense of authenticity attached to it.

Unless we can embrace ourselves, we can easily become a huge black hole for external approval. I know there have been more times than I care to count when no amount of approval or adoration could fill the void inside me. I had to take the first step in stemming my self-esteem hemorrhage before I could experience the real support of a believing mirror. I needed to be able to discern the difference between a true reflection and a distorted one that had been filtered through another person's perception and judgements and then projected onto me. That discernment meant that I needed to know myself well.

Over the past 6 months or more, I've taken a hiatus from many of my relationships. After years of being "on" for clients, co-workers, employees - I felt a strong pull to discover what it was like to just simply "be". I've ceased being a mirror in some relationships and my absence in others has limited what was once reflected back to me. I think I have emerged with a greater sense of self. However, I've really felt the absence of companionship while I enjoyed my hermit- like existence.

Coming out of "exile" I'm discovering just how much I value the camaraderie I find with friends. Now I'm looking for that balance of support, cheerleading and companionship that I have missed. I'm finding out how to be present in a friendship without losing myself. I'm discovering that just being me is plenty. Seeing that reflected back in the relationships that are being revived is the most wonderful believing mirror of all. I'm valued for who I am which makes me a much better believing mirror for the others in my life. Pay it forward.

The Secret

If you decided to read based on the title "The Secret" I'll be honest - this has nothing to do with the movie/book phenomenon by the same title. I've watched it and I have to tell you that I found it to be so materially focused that it completely missed the opportunity to invite viewers to look closely at themselves and how they create their reality. Abundance, wealth, affluence are all by products of our relationships with ourselves and our perceptions. Ahhh.... but I'm on a rant and this is not what I came here to talk about today- at least not directly. I do want to discuss the power of secrets.

I came here today to tell you about a secret that I had been harbouring and how it nearly ate me alive - and it really was an insignificant thing in the big picture of life. You see, in my last entry I didn't completely come clean with you. Everything that I wrote was true for me but I left out something that was, in retrospect, the underpinning of it all. My big secret? - I thought I had lost my wedding rings and the fear and shame of it was eating away at me.

It doesn't seem like a big deal right now. Maybe its because I've found them. However, I think it has even more to do with the process I went through before I found them. Incidentally, I found them in a place that I had searched several times before. Clearly, my higher self was at work creating a situation that would help me resolve an issue that has been dogging me for a while. An issue I have repeatedly told myself that I wanted to move beyond. Be careful what you ask for - wink!

When I was pregnant and rapidly swelling in the humidity this summer, I took off my rings. These rings were not my original rings but ones that I "grew" into over time. Engaged and married at a relatively young age, my husband and I have given each other new rings over the years - and we each have lost them for a period of time. Hmmm .... wonder what that's about?

In my husband's case, he lost his ring while closing up the cottage one fall. We frantically searched the fire pit, the piles of raked leaves, under the cottage, in the lake by the dock -everywhere, and that was a lot of outdoor space. We finally gave up and just let it go. Although disappointed, there were no recriminations on either of our parts. I remember telling him that I was sure it would show up. The next spring, as my husband was using the outdoor shower, he glanced down where a drain pipe had become disconnected and noticed a glimmer. Curious, he put his glasses on and investigated, only to discover his wedding band. It must have come off when he washed his hands outdoors the previous fall.

In my case, I recalled removing my rings and putting them someplace "safe". Who among us hasn't done this, only to undergo complete amnesia within days?! I completely put it out of my mind. Now that I'm settled into life with Baby S, I decided it was time to celebrate my shrinking fingers and put my rings back on. So I went to my usual "safe" place - no rings. Shrugging it off, I decided to take the opportunity to start decluttering and cleaning up our bedroom as I looked for them.

Several weeks later, nearly every drawer, nook and cranny of my bedroom and bathroom had been cleaned and sifted through. I was getting more and more uneasy. I was now putting off cleaning the last few small drawers - afraid to face the possibility that they were gone. I wondered if I had inadvertently thrown them out. I went through the list of people who had been into our home to do repairs as we prepare to put our house up for sale. Was it possible that they were stolen? I was feeling a growing sense of dread. I didn't want to tell my husband, so I kept it to myself and spent a few hours every day either obsessing over it or re-tracing my steps.

This thing was taking on a life of its own. I found myself having difficulty falling back to sleep after getting up in the night with Baby S. I was feeling desperate and secretive.

The whole time, quietly, in the back of my mind, there was a persistent voice scolding me for being so careless. The "voice" berated me, telling me how unworthy I was of such expensive baubles. It meted out all kinds of punishment and penance for me to prove just how undeserving I was. It ground away at me in the background of my daily routine, only to get louder when the house became silent at night. I felt like I was about 7 years old. I dreaded telling my husband, having cast him in a role of adult/parent/judge and jury - none of which he deserved. It was all a construction in my own mind.

Finally, after a long and rambling discussion with myself in my journal, I began to see how I was creating this incredible drama, built out of pieces of the past. By keeping it a secret, it had begun to fester and grow. There was no reality check. I was creating my reality based on a collage of past experiences. I was making myself small and powerless. Crafting perceptions that were illusions.

My body never lied. Whenever I would get caught up in this vortex of my creation, I would feel the heat rise to my face. I would break out in a cold sweat and my stomach would be in knots. I would try to breathe through it and relax but frequently found myself unable to stick with the uncomfortable sensations, choosing food to numb it out and comfort myself, or seeking some other form of distraction.

So, after this straight talk in my journal, where I realized just how out of hand I had let my secret become, I had a talk with my husband. Well, it was more like a complete meltdown full of snot and hiccups! Somehow, he understood what I was trying to say. And that was when I discovered where the real "gem" of my marriage lay!

The secret was out. My husband created all the space I needed to move through the layers that my secret had created. I had managed to make it a huge, multi-tentacled monster that had implications about my self-worth, my value, my capacity to move through the world as a powerful woman rather than an itty-bitty victim. To my husband's credit, he said all the "right stuff" and just let me unravel in the safety of his non-judgement. Its quite likely he wondered what the heck that was all about!

By finally sharing these thoughts and fears, I had set myself free. My energy increased exponentially! I had no idea of how it was sucking me dry. I realized that I had begun to withdraw from my family and especially my husband, for fear of revealing my secret. I saw myself with new eyes and had to wonder just why I had let the "voice" of this secret take me so far down a path of self-destruction. What I had unconsciously created was an opportunity to reclaim and heal my 7 year old self. I had an opportunity to remember that I am actually a 38 year old woman!

All this from a relatively minor incident! Imagine the toll that other, bigger secrets take on our lives. Imagine how, for some of us, we have been taught from early ages to keep secrets - often with very real and frightening consequences if we don't. Secrets don't have to be big deals to exact their toll. I know women who move through the world keeping secrets in the name of privacy, compartmentalizing their lives to the point that it takes a master plan to keep it all straight. I can only imagine how exhausting it must become - especially when its runs as a strategy out of awareness, just the way they have been taught to live their lives and they have never questioned it.

The voice of secrets is an insidious one and the only way to dismantle its python-like subtle and deadly stranglehold is to listen. Listen by paying attention to our bodies and our thoughts. In fact, our bodies are the expressions of our thoughts - the over-eating, the flush of discomfort when we eavesdrop on our inner conversations and then quickly seek distraction. I even found myself humming out loud at times to avoid listening inside! For me, breathing and writing get me through the layers of secrecy. Even if I don't choose to share it with anyone else, at least I'm not keeping the secret from myself any longer. Sometimes the course of action in the wake of telling myself the truth, is to share it with another.

This experience has made it clear to me that our secrets have the power to harm us. I would even venture to say that our secrets have the power to kill us. Certainly, we are more likely to be harmed by keeping secrets than we are by revealing them, no matter what we have been taught. Its quite likely that the people around us are aware of our secrets anyway - if not the particulars, then at least the essence. If my little secret has the power to sap my energy and isolate me, and leave me feeling depressed and unworthy, then what about other secrets? What about the accumulation of a bunch of little secrets? Who says it has to be one big one - it might be the slow drain from all the things we hide from ourselves and others habitually.

There have been a lot of conversations lately in the WEL-Systems blogs about weight and health and I have been wondering how many secrets lie within the layers of our "fat". How we stuff ourselves to plug the holes. How we lie to ourselves and to others about what we eat, how much, how often. How, in this way, our secrets, perhaps ones we have yet to reveal to ourselves, are killing us slowly in the guise of obesity and poor stewardship of our physical expression in this world - our bodies. Strict adherence to punitive diets and the penance implied in that way of living is just the other side of the same coin. Perhaps the balance lies in finally letting the truth of who we are stand alone, without insulation or apology. Only then would the "secret" of who we really are be out - and we would be free to just "be". The Secret is not really a secret at all.

Top 10 List

This weekend has been a rough one. I've been riding the post-partum hormonal roller coaster and the ride just got a little wilder thanks to abandoning the short trial of birth control pills my OB gave me -they made me feel just awful after 10 years without them in my system. Baby S still gets up several times a night so I'm feeling completely sleep deprived. Weeee - what a frickin' ride!!! Add to that yet another fruitless shopping trip and what you have is a blubbering mess sitting in the mall parking lot.

After another good sob in the tub last night and an illegible rant in my journal, I'm glad to say that the self-pity train is on its way out of my station. Sometimes I girl just needs to wallow for awhile - know what I mean? It seems to fuel me up for action.

This week has got to be better and its up to me to make it that way. Even though I've got my hands full with Medium R's upcoming birthday party, and maybe especially because of this wild annual event, I've decided that its time for some extreme self care if I am to make it through with out terrorizing a gaggle of excited kids next Saturday.

Here is my Top 10 List. I'm putting it here to raise my accountability level. I'll report back next Sunday so if you find this boringly self-indulgent, don't read next Sunday (I dare you!)

1. Write everyday - even if its only for a few minutes and especially if I think its no good. I need to let off creative steam.
2. Stop using my cross-trainer as a coat rack. I will clean it off, stare at it, and get on it at least twice this week. Sweating, at this point is optional - I don't want to discourage myself too early in the game :)
3. Use one of the tubes of facial goo that is sitting in my bathroom cupboard. They always sound marvelous but unfortunately they don't work their magic remotely. Anyway, Halloween is coming up - this might be a good test.
4. Floss - who can argue with that?!
5. Start to pay attention to what I'm eating. No need to make a change, just pay attention to what, when and where. I fear my daily mini chocolate bar consumption may have surpassed a number that I'm willing to report here. I may even be in danger of not having enough candy for the trick or treaters if I continue on this path. "Think of the children!"- I implore myself.
6. - 10. repeat numbers 1 to 5 with a positive attitude and a sense of humor.

I once learned a great phrase from a friend who works in the field of addiction counselling and that is "bring the bottom up". I've decided to get moving before sinking any lower so I'm bringing my bottom up ( and perhaps the cross-trainer will help that too!)

And now .... off to eat birthday cake before Monday morning arrives and the list kicks in!

Losing "It"

Where does time go? Friday already and I'm so glad to have found a few precious minutes to be here. This week has been filled with lots of activity. Baby S had his first needle this week and unlike his big brother, he was completely unforgiving of the doctor and decided that he would let the whole world know "damn! that hurt!!" He's no push-over! Medium R came home from school yesterday with a stomach ache that responded well to copious cuddles and a good does of cartoons.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this there was time for some wonderful conversations with great women. I can't believe how much I learn and grow every time there is an opportunity to connect with other people. I've been too much of a hermit lately!

It seems that my fascination with the topic of identity continues this week in the threads of the conversations I found myself in. So many of us have these repeated "identity crisis" and then wonder what the heck is wrong with us. Why are we, once again, trying to figure out who we are?! Didn't we solve this the last time around?

I think what we forget, or perhaps never considered, is that we are always in the process of growth. It just never ends. While one identity fits for a while, if we are paying any attention at all, we notice that sooner or later, it doesn't fit so well anymore. Now sometimes we'll attempt to suck our metaphorical tummies in, attempting to squeeze back into it, only to find ourselves uncomfortable (and gassy!) after a short while. Sometimes we're afraid that we are going to be out there, naked and vulnerable and we'll do anything to cover ourselves up - not wanting to be seen while we are in between incarnations.

Change is inevitable, like it or not. Here's the thing, the alternative to growth is ..... not just "not growth"....but a sure path to decline and, as dramatic as it sounds, death. We know that is how our cells behave. They are either in states of growth or protection, there is no in between, and a cell that stays in protection for too long - dies. And what are we but a big bag of cells?! I choose growth - as uncomfortable as that can be at times.

We don't grow backwards. What I mean is that we don't go back in time as we grow - we move forward. Kids, plants - they get bigger as time moves on. Why do we as adults, resist the change implicit in growth? We may not be keen about the physical signs of our maturing but we expect them. We have come up with a myriad of ways to maintain the status quo of our physical appearance desperately trying to turn back the clock. When it comes to spiritual and emotional growth, we seem intent on maintaining the status quo by trying to hold on to what was rather than being willing to discover what can be.

Its hard to step into the unknown. Its especially hard if you believe that the world is a scary and dangerous place. Its also very hard if you have defined yourself based on circumstances such as your children, your career, your financial status, marital status - you fill in the blank. Losing anyone of those things can send us into a tailspin of mythic proportions if that is who we believe we are.

One of my biggest identity crisis was going to University. Man, I couldn't wait to get there. I wanted to leave my small town life behind and enjoy some freedom. Moving from a town of 500 to Toronto, where one of my University classes could easily number close to that, I discovered that I had no clue who I was. I wasn't so and so's daughter/grand daughter/sister. I wasn't a member of this church or club or band. No one knew or cared about my past accomplishments.

All that mattered was the present moment and who I was there to become. I did not know until then, just how much I relied on all the external definitions of who I was. In fact, up until then, everyone but me got to determine who I was. I'm sure each of us has had such a watershed moment. A moment when it became clear to us that who we are is not necessarily who everyone has been telling us that we are. Unfortunately, my "moment" lasted about a year and involved medications being pushed by multiple doctors to treat "depression". I knew I wasn't depressed - I was just lost.

Since then, I've "found" myself repeatedly and realized that the "finding" is more like a wardrobe change because I've out grown some aspect of my life. The essence and fundamental me remains the same I am as I step into larger and larger garments. Garments of my choosing and my design.

I know its not always easy to face a challenge in life that threatens our stability and status quo and as I sat with a friend who is facing this type of destabilization in her life, I found it hard to put into words what has taken several days to percolate and find expression here. We joked about the line "Well, at least you have your health" when it comes to consoling someone in financial crisis. I suppose that advice holds some measure of comfort - if you are planning to sell a kidney!!

You see, the thing is, its much bigger than money or health - its about who we are once we see the trappings of our external life threatened and perhaps taken away. If we can summon the courage to look at this as an opportunity to re-invent ourselves, to reclaim who we are and who we can become, then the ebb and flow of money feels less scary. Stepping into the situation with trust in ourselves and in our capacity to use this as a springboard to create something new will open all kinds of doors. Doors we may not have noticed if we hadn't been jolted out of the status quo.

What makes change of this magnitude hard isn't what we are facing on the outside, its what we are facing on the inside. I love the analogy of the trapeze artist who must let go of one bar in order to grab the other. It requires a certain amount of trust that the bar will be there and it also means we have to let go of the bar we were just hanging on to. Weeeeee!! Is that fear or exhilaration - or both?!

We often overlook the fact that we are involved in creating our lives. We are quick to take credit for our successes and often place the blame on someone else for those aspects that are less than stellar. If we are committed to riding the wave of change rather than being plowed under by it, we have to take responsibility for our lives. We can't play the powerless victim card and expect our lives to improve. We must step up and be willing to accept that we created it all - the good, the bad, the ugly!

Even if we are just talking about how we have perceived the situation in front of us, we are in control of how we look at it and react. I confess, there are lots of times when I want it to be exclusively someone else's fault so that I can indulge my inner drama queen! - but I can tell you from my years of trying that one out, it doesn't work to create what you want. In fact, it seems to invite even more of what you don't want - that is assuming that you eventually tire of drama! For some, drama is the ultimate goal to remind them that they are alive (guilty on that front too!) but there really are more fun ways to live your life - you'll just have to trust me on this!

There is something to be said for "losing it" - whatever "it" may be. Without the camouflage and distraction of "it", we can see ourselves clearly and we make room for what's next. Its kind of like clearing out a messy garage or a crammed linen closet, once the purge is complete there is a sense of relief when you look at the space created. You keep what you need and let go of what you don't. Its a fresh start and you have the all the stuff required to create what comes next.

Journeyman

I used to wonder if it was possible to become a new person overnight but now I know its true. In fact its happened several times over the past few years but I usually rush headlong into a new phase having never taken a moment to acknowledge that a change has occurred.

It seems like I have woken up sometime in the past few days as a different version of myself. It certainly has nothing to do with getting more sleep since that isn't on Baby S'es agenda these days! I think it has a lot to do with my recent public declarations. By choosing to reveal my intentions I have stepped out of an old layer of skin only to reveal a new one underneath. All this in spite of my litany of old beliefs and insecurities. Its as though by simply stepping across that threshold, the restrictions inside me began to fall away, like a snake shedding its old skin and revealing a renewed set of glossy scales that have been quietly growing below the surface. I have no idea what comes next - and it doesn't feel at all like a challenge to move forward again.

I've spent the past few days reading a bunch of stuff about writing. It just happens to be one of my favorite topics - and reading about it is also an ingenious strategy to avoid doing any writing of my own! Sifting through the words of the "experts" I quickly realized that I absolutely cannot tolerate any technical books. Isn't that what one pays editors for?

I also discovered that in those books where I found inspiration, there were no new crumbs of information to savour. I had already stumbled upon them for myself. This was both reassuring and frustrating. And evidence of yet another pattern I have of repeatedly looking to outside experts to validate my own thoughts and experiences. At least this time I stepped into the pattern knowingly. I was really curious to see what else could be added to the voices already available on subjects such as creativity, parenting and self-discovery. From my sense of frustration, I'm getting clear that my days of student and apprentice are over.

I suppose they have been finished for a while but I have been slow to relinquish the security that comes with apprenticeship, choosing instead to hover around the edges of my dreams and ambitions. Over the past 2 years I've jumped out of a few nests. The process was much like being born - natural, powerful and unstoppable. To stay any longer would have been to risk the toxic complications that accompanies pregnancies gone past their term. No - I emerged at the right times, in the same way that a butterfly emerges having under gone a major metamorphosis. What I didn't realize or easily relax into was the realization that sometimes we need time to let our wings dry. That time isn't wasted - its part of the process. I wasn't lazy or directionless - as I prone to thinking, I was perfectly on schedule.

Its time to fully rely on my internal guidance system when it comes to setting the course for my next adventure. I find it comforting to realize that by choosing not to be a student any longer, I don't have to stop learning - something that is more important to me than I realized. The new curriculum is up to me to create and abandon as I choose. There are no grades to indicate approval. There are no rules to contain the process. There is no timeline. There is just big, boundless space to wander around in.

I have become a Journeyman. I have a craft that I am willing to work at, hone and polish. No longer an apprentice - and not yet willing to claim mastery, I am declaring myself an independent artisan. And no, this is not simply about writing - its all about living!

JUMP!

Today I started to write a book proposal. Well, at least I've gotten as far as opening a Word file and calling it "Book Proposal" That has to count for something -right? Staring at the blank screen, mesmerized by a blinking cursor, I started to really wonder what is it that seems so daunting here. I'm sweating and I feel teary all at the same time. Its not as if I ever have to show this document to anyone if I decide its crap. I can delete, revise -whatever. My problem seems to be a fear of commitment along with a healthy does of a fear of rejection - but aren't they really two different sides of the same coin?

If I don't commit then hey - what's to fear? It all worked out for the best, it will be what it will be- right? Wrong! Wishing and hoping are, in my opinion, much like white light and forgiveness, completely and utterly useless - at least on their own. The missing ingredient is some form of action. Without putting some momentum, some energy into it there is nothing to set it in motion. It doesn't have to be hard work or even take a long time, but it does require some breath of life for the universe to take it seriously.

If wishing and hoping were enough, I would have slaughtered literally thousands of hapless bankers, waitresses, motorists and counter help by now - never mind the people close to me! Thank goodness there is a time lag between thought and manifestation. Part of the lag also invites some action on our part. Yup, we've got to step into the void, which for me is the infinite blank space after the flashing cursor. Its the portal into something new and unknown.

I'm reluctant to refine my concept of audience. I'm trying to hold all the doors open. Geez- why do I think that I must not discriminate by focusing on a target audience! Terminal people pleasing? Delusions of grandeur? More like -one more strategy I'm running to hold myself back for fear of falling flat on my face.

I'm also afraid that if I commit to a structure of some sort, then the project will lose the organic feel that makes it fun for me. Somehow, commitment in this fashion makes writing a book all serious and adult-like. It becomes "work" and I'm just not willing to "work" in any kind of constrained fashion. So, this hurdle means that I've decided to redefine "work" and recognize my right to continuously change my mind in the creative process. After all, isn't that the essence of creativity?

This commitment issue has run deep in the past. I felt that if I started something, then no matter what - I had to finish it or die trying. No quitters here! When it came to my businesses, this credo nearly killed me, damaging my health, my spirit and nearly bankrupting me before I caught on that I could change my mind. I knew that lots of entrepreneurs simply set up businesses and then sell them and move on. I wasn't willing to extend myself the same privilege. I wasn't willing to re-evaluate my rules to see if they still fit who I had become. I now know that I love and thrive on the creative juice and adrenaline involved in start ups but have no interest in the long haul when it comes to businesses. (Thankfully the same doesn't hold true for my children and marriage!)

So many stall tactics! And these are just the obvious ones - I'm sure there a gazillion others that have escaped notice. But it all boils down to just taking the first step Looking forward instead of back. Jumping in instead if trying to figure it all out. I feel like I'm standing on a diving board trying to calculate my exact trajectory, speed and entry angle into the water. Jump already! Belly flop or swan dive - does it really matter? One stings more than the other but they both have their merits!

Its time to come to grips with potential rejection. I've been practicing self-rejection for long enough that the possibility of a publisher saying "no thanks" should be a simple hurdle to clear. Who knows, maybe I'll be accepted. Certainly I'll learn something valuable in the process, whatever the outcome. Discoveries that I will never make unless I give it a try.

1-2-3 JUMP!